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Not every man wants to be a “pickup artist.”

Yeah, I know that might sound controversial, especially after you hear about all the “pickup” information on the web, books, live pickup videos and such out there. You’d think that every guy is caught up in the rage of being the next player, able to bag a woman anywhere for a quick night of McLovin’.

But in every single seminar and class I’ve held, over 95+% of the guys all express that they just want a single relationship with a good woman.

Not a harem…

Not a new girl every night…

Just ONE good woman – and ONE good relationship.

That’s not what you might think, especially if you listen to what everyone else says about men, and what most women believe about men. Common wisdom seems to paint men into a position of being the “cheating dogs” out there that can’t stay with one woman, and would lay any woman they could if given the choice.

Just remember that common sense ain’t so common, as they say.

I’m going to cover with you the basic relationship skills that I’ve found to be the most effective at creating and maintaining a relationship with a woman over the long term.

WITHOUT compromising your dignity or confidence along the way.

Let’s jump right in…

When you first find the woman you want to keep, keep dating other women!

“Huh? Didn’t you just say a second ago that I want to have a SINGLE relationship?”

Oh, yes, you do – and you CAN, but not until you learn how to eradicate the scarcity mindset that you’ve adopted over the years.

You see, the first and most important understanding you can have that allows you to appreciate and keep a woman in a long term relationship is the belief that if this woman were to leave you, or things didn’t work out – you would be JUST FINE.

After YEARS of dating, I’ve found this is the cornerstone of a healthy male state of mind.

You see, here’s the typical solution that most guys try to create, either knowingly or not-so-knowingly:

1. Guy meets girl.
2. Guy figures out that this girl is “cool” and a good match for him.
3. Guy wins girl over and starts relationship as fast as possible to “lock her in.”
4. Guy reverts to wussy thinking and behavior patterns to try and not “rock the boat”, which communicates neediness to woman.
5. Guy starts to get comfortable in his relationship, now that he’s got her “locked in.” He gets more wussy and lazy. It’s a downward spiral
6. Woman is distanced and turned off by his attitude.
7. Woman leaves him.
8. Man is emotionally crushed because he abandoned all the confident, Alpha behaviors that got him the relationship in the first place.
9. Now, with his confidence SHATTERED, he finds it extremely hard to attract another woman.
10. Guy gets Carlos Xuma’s programs and goes through the Alpha Learning Path to regain his confidence again.

It’s not a pretty situation, and it’s one that a LOT of guys go through. I’ll explain why shortly.

Now, how would this same situation go if he were to do it right from the start?

Something like this:

1. Guy meets girl.
2. Guy continues to meet and date other girls, even though he suspects that this one is a “keeper.” He knows that the more he develops “one-itis” (that strange disease of the mind that guys get when they focus all their attention on one woman in a perverse obsession) the less likely he is to keep her.
3. As he starts to “date around,” he realizes that he sees the differences among different women, and how wide of a selection he has. He not only finds it easier to compare the qualities, he gets a clearer understanding of what qualities he REALLY wants in a woman.

The ultimate benefit to you of “dating around” is:

• By keeping your attraction skills alive, you’ll be able to keep the attraction alive with the right woman when you get in a relationship with her.

In every single relationship I’ve studied that lasted, the guy and girl are always teasing and playing with each other to keep up the sexual tension. He teases her; she teases him, and they let each other know that they feel their own value.

That’s what is communicated below the surface when you verbally joust and banter – that you’re not afraid of the social dynamic, and that you’re not afraid of a misstep and making someone else mad.

Calm waters are a drowning pool for chemistry and desire.

• You’ll always have options in the early stages, so you can avoid the sense of scarcity that creeps into some guys’ minds when they’re dating.

You can’t feel like the woman you’re with is your only choice or you’re likely to “settle” into a relationship with her. You need to feel a sense of abundance in your romantic life so that you can avoid the urge to jump into something that might not be right for you.

The reality is that you could make a relationship with just about ANY woman, but why would you want to when you can choose someone that supercharges your life and creates a dynamic life of growth and possibility?

Be choosy!

Remember, the single most important decision you will make in your life is the woman that you partner with. She can either be your ally, your close friend and champion, or she can be an anchor that holds you back and eventually sinks you.

Don’t fall victim to the false expectation from women that people “should be” instantly monogamous. When you’re in your teens and twenties, you need to be dating around to get the experience you need to make a long-term relationship later.

Shop first. Become an educated dating consumer.

Now let’s delve into the steps for creating a healthy relationship:

Decide on your must-haves, can’t-stands

You need to create a complete profile of the woman you want well in advance. Be very detailed with the description.

Here are the vital stats you should know about the woman you’re looking for:

• Physical Attributes: Her appearance, body style, and even taste in clothing fit into this category. Does she look the way you want? And I don’t mean supermodel here. Most guys think they need a 10, when they really just need a woman that is sexually attractive to him.What I’m about to say is a bit crude, but it illustrates my point so well that I’m going to include it here. If it offends you, that was your decision.”You show me the most beautiful woman in the world, and I’ll show you a guy who’s tired of banging her.”
• The reality is that you need to find other reasons to want a woman sexually than just her physical appearance. Personality takes over when you’re bored of her looks.And yes, you will get a little jaded and bored after a while. It’s human nature.
• Relationship Attributes: Does she have the right understanding about men and women and their respective gender roles? Does she respect that men must be men and women must be women? Does she have the right skills to manage problems and conflict in a relationship? Does she have healthy coping mechanisms? Does she react impulsively, or is she thoughtful and careful? Will she tell you when something’s wrong, or will she play the silent-treatment game to manipulate you?
• Character Attributes: Is she the kind of woman that just goes along with something to get what she wants, or will she stop and make the uncomfortable decisions, too? Is she a good person, or will you always wonder about her true nature? Will she be faithful?
• Direction: Is this woman headed in the same direction you are? Does she really want a relationship because of what she can GIVE to you, or what she can TAKE? Does she just want the “program marriage:” A 2-carat ring, 2 kids, an SUV, and the suburban home? Or does she genuinely want to WORK on a relationship?

There’s a small part of the brain called the “reticular activating system.” You receive millions of different sensory inputs in a single day. This node in your skull is the part that helps you decide what to pay attention to and what to ignore.

Have you ever bought a car, only to suddenly notice that everyone else has the same kind of car? Of course they all had their cars before, but now your brain is suddenly attentive to and recognizing that you’re not the only one, and the reticular activating system notices them where it had no reason to before.

When you have described your woman completely, you will have successfully programmed your reticular activating system in your brain to help you hone in on exactly the woman you want. You’ll be able to get rid of the women that don’t meet your criteria – and you’ll be able to do it much faster because you’ll be more CERTAIN.

Certainty is the essence of confidence.

Choose well.

This one ties in directly with the last step, and I can’t emphasize this enough.

The one thing I’ve noticed is a very common mistake people make is that they spend an INCREDIBLE amount of time in their lives making up for past mistakes, and almost no time at all trying to avoid them in the first place.

It’s been said that thinking is the hardest work a man will ever do, as evidenced by how few ever actually take the time to do it.

Most problems in life can be solved by not letting the problem happen in the first place. Wisdom is the space before you make a big decision. It’s thinking long-term instead of just up to the next “feel good” moment.

Let’s review the kind of woman you DO NOT want. From my experience, here are some of the traits you want to avoid:

• Wants to struggle for power and control of the relationship…
• Thinks that it’s acceptable to berate/humiliate/insult men the way it’s done on television…
• Has trust issues or a big set of emotional baggage – or any substantial emotional issues that will become YOUR burden down the road…
• Does not RESPECT you or appreciate your masculinity…
• Does not EMBRACE her own femininity…

I’m sure I could come up with more than these, and so could you, but these are universally unacceptable to men. Most of the hard work of finding a good woman for a relationship is simply avoiding the BAD ones. Don’t let yourself get suckered into ignoring or glossing over the red flags. The second you see something bad on the horizon, FACE IT.

Because if you don’t face it now, it will grow like cancer. And I guarantee that one way or the other, you WILL deal with it later.

Set the right precedent

After you’ve chosen well, the next step is to set clear expectations and understanding up front with a woman. I’m not talking about some brutish “lay down the law” crap here or being some kind of control freak. I’m talking about maintaining your own healthy masculine boundaries about the kind of life and relationship you want to have.

For example…

I know that for me, I don’t want a woman in my life that is more trouble than she’s worth. I don’t deal with high-maintenance drama queens. Life is far too short to waste it on someone like that.

I want a woman in my life that is sexually proud of her femininity and does not need to wrestle for control. She doesn’t harangue me for every little thing she wants to change (because the things most women SAY they like to change are actually the very same things that make men attractive to them.)

She doesn’t need to nag or insult me on the side, or engage in any kind of unhealthy B.S. behaviors.

You get the point.

So if the woman I’m dating demonstrates any tendency to test my limits by engaging in, let’s say nagging, I will make it abundantly clear that this is not acceptable to me.

“Honey, you know, I really like hanging with you. You’re fun and a blast to hang with. I’m just a bit concerned about… well, I’ll be blunt. I feel like you’re nagging when you constantly bring up my ex-girlfriends. Perhaps you need some time to think things through. I’ll just let you know up front that this is not how I want to continue our relationship. Does that make sense?”

Maybe she needs a little time on her own to decide if she can handle a relationship with a guy who has dated another person before.

Maybe that sounds ridiculous, because we’ve all dated “someone” before, but it will only wake her up once she considers just how insecure and foolish her behavior is.

Be prepared for possible backlash. Or, maybe there won’t be any, just some sulking. Or maybe she’s a mature woman that can see when she’s met a guy with backbone and confidence – and a sense of his own value.

But the ultimate statement of your confidence is that you have no problem letting her go if it means a better life decision for YOU.

You are better off ALONE than with the wrong woman.

Date Other Women (DOW!)

As I stated above, and for those reasons, you must date MANY women if you are to find the one you want for a relationship.

The more women you can comfortably fit into your lifestyle, the more options you have available to you. This will increase your sense of abundance, because you know that you are not betting on just one number on the roulette table of love.

You also have the ability to compare women, which is something most guys never really experience. You will not have a complete sense of your own options with women if you really think that what fate has handed to you is the “best” you’re going to get. Unfortunately, many people take this approach to relationships, and then wind up divorced later on because they both realized they settled too early and too easy.

When you do isolate the one woman you feel is a strong candidate for a relationship, THEN you will need to focus on her alone.

There are some people out there who tell you that you can have “multiple” long term relationships, but in my experience this is a high-drama situation that is not only difficult for most guys to maintain, it’s also a dilution of your focus and energy. Also, most women will not accept a situation of having an intimate relationship with you if you are having an intimate relationship with MANY women.

And if they do accept it now, it’s because they are also having a relationship with others, and there’s a downward spiral into doom when the jealousy comes out, as it certainly will.

Just date many women up front, and remember that if you date 10 women this year, you’re choosing from the best of 10. If you get good dating and attraction skills from me and date 100 women, you’re dating the top 1%.

That’s a better ratio for your success.

You must learn the mystical power of acceptance and curiosity.

I talk a lot about “Reality” in my teachings.

Why do I capitalize the word “Reality” like that?

Because this Reality is not the one you define, or anyone defines. It’s the one that exists whether you like it or not. It’s the common experience we share.

The story I like to tell my students is this:

You’re at home laying on the couch, listening to your favorite CD. All of a sudden, someone is pounding on the wall beside you from the apartment next door.

What a jerk, you think. It’s not even loud!

You ignore him and go back to listening and trying to enjoy the music.

BAM BAM BAM!

More pounding on the wall. More cursing from you.

This goes on for about 5 minutes before you start to really get pissed. You get up off the couch, and walk next door to find out what the problem is, and why this guy is being such a dick.

As you approach your neighbor’s door, you notice that it’s open slightly, and you can hear him pounding on your wall. You push the door open further, and from here you can see that your neighbor is a frail old man, and he’s laying on the floor, writhing in pain, obviously in distress, and he’s using his cane to beat on his (your) wall.

He’s crying for help.

What do you think now? Are you pissed anymore?

No. In fact, your emotions change over completely to compassion, and you make a complete change in your attitude to help him out.

Why didn’t you think that before? Why didn’t you just wonder or express curiosity about what was going on before you jumped to a conclusion?

You see FACTS are not enough for people. We make stories and then mistake them for facts. We humans are HIGHLY focused on possible slights. We are always looking for evidence about our value in the actions of other people.

It’s actually pretty ridiculous, but it’s part of human nature.

You, however, must learn this lesson 24/7 with a woman. When she does something annoying and you feel the urge to just bail on this whole thing, you have to calm down and look at it from a perspective of acceptance and curiosity.

Accept the reality you’re in, and be curious – not immediately slighted or attacked – when you observe behavior that seems to be “against” you.

Observe healthy boundaries.

Remember that anything you find annoying or uncomfortable in another person’s behavior is only because of the way you choose to interpret it. It’s not the other person making you mad; it’s YOUR decisions about them that create this.

Your emotional state is COMPLETELY under your control. No one ever MAKES you feel anything in life.

All too often we tell ourselves that our emotions are created from the outside, when in fact they are always created by the information and interpretations we choose to make on the inside.

Anything else is victim thinking. Don’t fall into that trap.

In a relationship, you must realize (and SHE must) that you are two completely separate people. Sorry, but the Jerry Maguire-ism of “you complete me” is the most incorrect and psychologically damaging belief of all.

A relationship is NOT “one plus one equals one.”

A relationship is “one plus one equals THREE.” That is you, her, and the magical third force that is created when you’re together.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of “one-half plus one-half” relationships out there that barely make up one whole person, primarily because we often look to complete ourselves by adding other people into our life.

Sorry, but as an Alpha Man, you stand alone with a complete value of ONE.

Create your own reality.

Remember that as a single unit of force in this universe, you cannot subscribe to others’ definitions of how things “are” or “should be.” Your responsibility is to dictate and create your own reality.

What I mean by this is that you must define for yourself how you will experience life.

Beyond the facts and laws that are listed in your high school science text books, there is very little in life that is “definite.”

Remember that beliefs are never true for everyone, they are only true for the man who believes in them. Only facts are universal.

To create your own reality, stop subscribing to the beliefs of other people, or the beliefs that do not further your Great Purpose in life.

With women, you must remember that her perception is often wondrously keen and insightful. This is one of the wonderful things about women.

But what she thinks is not necessarily YOUR reality.

You must wake up every day with your own views and beliefs that power your drive to create your Alpha Lifestyle.

To be a strong Alpha Man counterpart for her and have the strength she needs to feel safe in a relationship with you, you must believe in yourself more than anyone else.

But also remember…

A woman’s emotional reality is HER reality.

Emotions are REAL to a woman. Just as real as the indisputable statistics of the New England Patriots.

Guys think only FACTS are real, but to a woman EMOTIONS are just as real as any scientific equation or fact. SO real, sometimes, that these emotions feel almost tangible.

Realize that whenever a woman talks to you about her feelings, you must never negate what she says or deny it. In fact, as I talk about in my Power Social Skills program, to deny someone else’s feelings or reality is a form of emotional abuse.

If someone tells you that you are “over reacting” when you’re pissed, do you immediately say, “Oh, I you’re right, I must be. I’ll cool down now.” (?)

No. Usually you just react with more anger that someone is denying your reality and not listening to you.

That goes DOUBLE for a woman who feels that her experience is not being accepted. If she suspects you’re trying to CONTROL that emotional reality, you better get ready for an emotional bare-knuckle brawl that makes Fight Club look like a tea party.

When a woman tells you that she feels “X” or “Y,” by all that is sacred, you better learn to accept it and hear it out.

What you’re doing is simply venting the pressure from inside the emotional oven of her mind. Men tend to build up physical stress and tension and need to vent it physically. Women tend to build up emotional stress and tension and need to vent it VERBALLY.

It’s your job to facilitate that, and not discount it when she does. Remember that a person’s painful experience completely wipes out their ability to see things from any point of view except one: “I gotta stop my pain.” That’s it.

Then, when her emotional storm has passed, you’re back on smooth waters again.

Grow up.

As a complete person, one of the important signs of a healthy and mature personality is the ability to handle any of the following situations with no undue stress:

• Situation 1: Inconveniences.

Life will occasionally go your way. But a lot of the time it won’t. Tough noogies.

Deal with this reality and accept it so that you can get busy managing it and not belaboring others with your complaints. As soon as you experience something annoying, turn it into a funny story and then let it go as quickly as possible. You need to make emotional room for the next GOOD experience.

Clinging to these unhappy experiences and re-living them for anyone who will suffer with you is the perfect way to create disease in your body. No joke. People die of this.

Women are not looking for a guy who will whine about the bruised knees and skinned elbows. They’re looking for a guy who gets back up and kicks some serious ass.

I gave a keynote speech here in San Francisco to a group at a singles event, and I remember the host of the event saying to me beforehand that if it rained that evening, we’d probably have half the attendance.

I was stunned. People would actually miss out on a potentially life-changing event AND the opportunity to meet a new lover… all because a little water fell from the sky.

Don’t let this be you.

• Situation 2: Opposing opinions and conflicts of interest.

No one will agree with you all of the time. And there will be times when you must butt heads with some of these people over their opinions. The person who has the most effective emotional mechanism to keep his/her ego out of the equation and adopt some social interaction skills will WIN.

Period.

This is especially true in a relationship where you will definitely not agree all the time. Your ability to put aside your own personal insecurities will be one of the key factors in how well you can handle the occasional disagreements you will have with your woman.

In fact, if you get along TOO well with your mate, where there’s NO arguments, you’re probably guilty of putting your own opinions and needs aside, and that will haunt you as resentment later.

In a scientific study, they observed couples that came in for counseling. They watched for certain emotions to appear in the expressions of the faces of the men and women. Of all these couples, when one particular emotional expression appeared, it was 97% likely that the relationship would fail.

That emotion that came up was resentment.

Learning how to effectively manage disagreement and conflict is absolutely ESSENTIAL to keep a long term relationship alive.

• Situation 3: Constructively manage boredom.

Boredom is a choice.

To expect that everyone else in the world is tasked with keeping you excited and entertained is a joke. You must learn how to manage your “down time.” If you’re standing in a line, play a game on your phone, or brainstorm a business idea that will get you ahead.

Stuck at a family gathering that is tedious and lame? Use the opportunity to create a “lab” experiment for a story you’ve been dying to tell, or practice your listening skills. Or pretend you’re an international man of mystery and invent a super spy lifestyle.

As an old boss of mine once said, “Time to lean is time to clean.” What he meant was more of a work ethic, but it’s just as applicable to the times when you become frustrated at not having anything to do.

You have the CHOICE to make ANY situation work either for you or against you. Don’t be victimized by your own laziness. You can take any moment of your life and make it meaningful.

Later on, when you can be at peace with no music or X-box or flashing lights, you’ll find that those silent spaces where you can look at and into another woman (instead of both of you staring away at a television screen) are where relationships are REAL.

• Situation 4: Ambiguous Situations – or Anything Unexpected.

You can’t see what the future has in store for you. Sometimes you just have to accept that you may not be able to know the outcome of a situation that you have willingly started. That’s okay. You won’t be able to know what certain people are thinking all the time, nor will you be able to be “sure” about a great many things in life.

This is not a reason to avoid doing new things or shy away from the “risk” that comes along with them. It’s just another reason for you to become more engaged and trusting in your own inner compass to guide you.

You have many years of unknown events in your future. Some will be good, some will not appear to be good on the surface, and they will only reveal their form later. Some will seem downright crappy.

It’s what you DO with these cards you’re dealt that makes you a winner… or a cry-baby loser.

In a relationship with a woman, you’ll find that the unexpected events will probably quadruple. That’s what happens when you add another variable into the equation.

I say, “Bring it on. I can take it.”

Be a mature and fully-grown man, and you’ll find that relationships will be a piece of cake.

Now on to the next step for creating a healthy relationship:

Learn how to surf.

We’re guys. We want smooth sailing and calm waters. We want an untroubled and carefree existence. No drama. No wild emotional mood swings.

Guess what?

When you let a woman into your life, you will have to learn how to deal with these things.

A woman is a big package of emotional turbulence just waiting to make your life interesting. She isn’t spoiling your fun, man; she’s pushing you out of your comfort zone and into a very choppy ocean of emotion.

But here’s the difference between men and women, in my opinion:

Women ARE the waves of emotional turbulence….

Men must RIDE her waves of emotion, just like a surfer…

So when she’s going through an emotional cycle, you must be the calm confident one. You don’t REACT to what she says or perceive everything as something you must defend. You are so firmly grounded and rooted in your reality that you can take a few un-careful words thrown your way.

The big mistake a lot of guys make along the way is to become reactive to a woman’s moods and her comments while she’s in those moods as if they are something to take deathly serious.

Don’t.

These situations are just like an ocean wave… if you fight them, you’ll be crushed like a bug. But if you learn how to move with the force and majesty, you will be revered as the one who tamed the great waves.

If you’ll allow me to switch metaphors for just a second here…

Bitchy moods are something you handle like the occasional thunderstorm. It’s annoying, it’s unpredictable, but it WILL pass. The sun comes out eventually. But for now, you have to put up with a few minor inconveniences to keep things going.

The big reason most guys get reactive in this situation is because a woman will very often be “less diplomatic” than normal when she talks about what is bothering her, and she’ll poke the most sensitive zones of your insecurities and defensive areas.

You must have those sensitive zones under control before she starts prodding them.

The ultimate statement of self control for you is to let everything she says pass right by you without the need to treat is as an incoming attack on your ego.

Don’t get caught up in the illusions of relationships existing as a separate entity.

There is a very real danger here, and it’s one I want every man to be aware of. This is the trap of thinking that you need to pay attention to the “relationship” as if it were some separate living thing from you and her.

From time to time, your woman will be drawn into the dangerous delusion that your “relationship” needs to be looked at and analyzed from a variety of angles. She will make this creature called “the relationship” – which you will have to nurture as if it’s something separate from you.

The relationship IS you. And it’s her, too. Don’t lose sight of that.

Very often, a woman will find it compelling to delve into every perceived psychological nook and crannie to tweak things.

What I’m about to say will sound a bit sexist, but it has been my experience that it is true more often than not…

Women are very focused on the quality of the relationship and strength of the bond you share. If she does not feel it is strong and vibrant, she will not be happy. And then over-analysis will start to appear.

A relationship that needs to be “worked on” more than it needs to just “exist” is not fun. In fact, it’s a freakin’ drag.

So don’t be pulled into the temptation to over-analyze your relationship. The power of a relationship is that if you start to take it apart – like a watch – it loses its magic. And very often you break it rather than improve it.

There will be problems that need to be worked on from time to time, but avoid the trap of dissecting your entire relationship for a complete rebuild. That’s simply not necessary.

When the dynamic is healthy and good between two people, positive and growing, than it rarely requires a lot of ‘work.’ In fact, if you find yourself pushing and struggling and working hard within the first few months, there’s a good chance it won’t get much better later on. If you find this to be the case, you may need to get back to working on yourself – or she needs to work on herself – before you really make a go of it.

Don’t become emotionally DEPENDENT on your woman.

Another big mistake men make is that they fail to keep up emotional relationships with other people in their lives when they’re in a marriage. Frequently a man will get divorced and find out that he placed way too much emphasis on his emotional tie with his wife, and when she leaves him, he crumbles like a wet taco.

You must maintain your own INTERNAL emotional strength outside of your relationship. Share your emotional connection with your woman, but you have a duty and obligation to yourself to not lose your own strength to have a relationship with a woman.

Stay out of limbo!

A situation you will be faced with frequently is when you feel that you have a decision to make, but you have motivations that are working in both directions, making it very difficult to commit to a decision. Moving in one direction enables a measure of pain – and maybe a certain amount of pleasure. Moving in the other direction also gives you both pain and pleasure.

So you do nothing, maintaining a small measure of comfort in the space between. It becomes easier to do nothing and avoid confronting it.

This often happens in relationships when you get comfortable and complacent in a situation where you might need to move on to a new adventure.

Either make a decision and stick to it, or decide you’ve made a mistake and move on. But do not sit around in hesitant indecision. Indecision is the Alpha Man’s Purgatory.

Nothing happens when you’re in a limbo state. You hope that someone will come along and fix things for you, but you have to remember that mommy is gone and you have to take care of yourself now.

A great example of limbo is the state we are put in when we are faced with cheating on someone. Maybe we get a little action on the side, and it seems like everything is just great. We get to have our steady, reliable girlfriend AND the thrilling affair.

But inside you have a slow erosion of your integrity and character.

The reason we choose to sit in a zone of limbo – a zone of uncertainty where nothing is being acted on – is because it allows us to delude ourselves into believing we can get still keep the pleasurable security of the relationship we’re in while we avoid the pain of having to sacrifice an option or make someone angry with us.

We seem to get the best of both worlds, but we end up sacrificing the best part of us.

Limbo is tempting, but almost always poisonous to your health. You’ll find yourself becoming addicted to indecision because of the illusion of comfort you achieve.

It’s like the story of the frog and the pot of water. Throw him into a boiling pot of water and he’ll jump right out. But put him in room-temperature water and slowly turn up the heat, and he won’t notice the pain until he’s already being cooked.

Stay off the stove of indecision and limbo.

Keep working on yourself!

The typical relationship for a guy usually consists of a couple months of angst and anxiety as he works through the whole “Can I win her?/Does she want me?” part of the trip.

But after he’s got her, he usually ceases to do anything to make it work over the long term. This is where most guys (usually out of inexperience) simply stop putting in effort to make the relationship work. He lets the woman take over from here, and stops working.

A relationship that is put on cruise control will eventually crash. You have to be in control of the vehicle at all times, and when you sense a problem, you pull over and deal with it.

Just like cars, no relationship survives forever without maintenance of some kind.

There’s a subset of this rule, which is something I call “Stay Sexy.”

I was at a lunch celebration for someone getting married, and I remember that all the women were giving one bit of advice for bride-to-be. Most of it was lame, but one woman just said, “Stay sexy.”

That stuck in my head, because it’s just another way of saying that your work is not done just because you hooked yourself a spouse. Most people really do think the hard part is FINDING the person. It’s not. The hard part is finding the motivation to keep yourself a valuable commodity – even when you think you’ve got the other person all wrapped up.

You must work on yourself internally and externally so that the woman understands your independence from her, not DEPENDENCE on her.

Not only this, but you must be fit and healthy for the long haul. Don’t get lazy about your exterior.

Women are drawn to strength and power, and this is what your devotion to the temple of YOU is all about. It’s not some sick selfish focus or narcissism. It’s attention to the fact that only by being the best YOU you can be will you ever be able to give MORE to others.

• Stay in shape. Exercise regularly, and in all areas of physical capability: Strength, aerobic endurance, flexibility, core muscles.
• Eat right. Stop eating and drinking all that crap. Your mental experience of life is shaped in large part by the chemistry of your body. You can change your life by changing your diet.
• Share the experience. The best way to keep your woman in shape is to exercise with her so that you can motivate each other to keep it up.

IN THE END…

A woman should be your champion, your fan, and your loyal supporter. She should nurture and bring out the best in you.

And, yes, you should do the same for her as well.

Anything else is a ripoff. A waste of your precious time here on this planet. There are over 3 Billion women left here on the planet. I guarantee you that you have no need to settle. If you haven’t found the one you want, don’t despair. Shop a little harder.

Trust your instincts and your gut. If you don’t find that the quality of your life is improving (and it may not always be obvious on the outside when a tough situation is improving you on the inside) then you have to reassess your situation and take action.

Remember: You are better off alone than with the wrong person.

But as Steve Martin said in “L.A. Story”: “There’s someone out there for everyone – even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.”

I really believe that, as oddly optimistic as it might sound after having read all my warnings. I just want your eyes as open as your heart is while you go on this search.

So keep looking, keep working at it, and keep your Alpha Man Attitude.

Stay Alpha!

- Carlos Xuma

I recently came across someone who wrote a long article in a forum about how he felt that dating advice programs were scams. And that “You don’t have to buy any advice to get better with women or to improve yourself.”

Well, after reading what he had to say, I have to admit it sounded logical.

At first.

But then my forehead started crinkling up, and I wondered… Could this be true? Could it be that guys just need to “be themselves” and everything will just work out on its own?

Do guys really need seduction techniques?

I’ll tell you my first big problem with that thought in just a minute…

The reality is that his argument wasn’t that well thought out, and if you fall for this mental trap, you can cause yourself some BIG problems down the road.

Here’s the logic of the argument:

- “There’s more than enough good free information out there…”

In a way, this is right. After all, there is a lot of stuff to be found. Hey, I even give away a ton of my advice and tips for free.

But unfortunately, what you get from a lot of ‘gurus’ out there is a lot of nonsensical rambling over their last “field report,” or a random opener he used that worked once or twice.

This is what I discovered when I was first trying to improve my abilities with women:

1) The information is almost always incomplete.

There’s no “system” or method to what you are shown. They can’t relate it to the context of the situation where they met the girl. And you don’t really get how the information “fits in” with what you might already know.

For example, in “field reports” where someone tries to relate how their approach went, they leave a lot of unanswered questions…

Was the woman with her friends? How were her friends handling the situation? How was he actually communicating with his body? His tone? Was he really establishing rapport, or was it just a momentary fluke of attention?

You need the whole picture to understand their field reports and be able to learn from them.

If you’ve ever tried to explain the experience of being at a live rock concert to someone, you know how words just don’t seem to communicate the reality of the EXPERIENCE.

2) The information lacks perspective from a grounded and character-driven personality. It usually came across as so much pickup “fluff.”

You have to ask yourself if you want to just go out there and “f*ck” girls, or do you want to be the kind of naturally attractive guy that everyone respects and admires.

Deep down, I think we all know the answer to that question.

3) The information was not very well explained.

Inevitably the person sharing their bit of pickup artist wisdom hadn’t been around very long in the community and was just desperate to show off and throw something out there to prove how they finally “got it figured out.”

It was their EGO talking, not expertise.

I remember once looking for some good information on video editing, and all I found were these little bits and pieces. I eventually just went out and bought a complete course in the topic that really trained me from the ground up.

If I’d kept watching all those little short time-wasters out there, learning bits and pieces, it would have taken me ten times as long, and ten times as much energy just to learn it the right way.

It was worth every penny to get me to my goal.

4) The information that most guys share is not consistent.

Again, it’s not coming from a complete understanding of social skills, interpersonal motivation, and how attraction works. It’s just the haphazard attempts that might have worked in that moment.

They aren’t including the BIG picture references to explain how it all worked to create a complete experience.

You also get a lot of conflicting advice, like “just be yourself” – and also “you need to change to be more attractive.”

So which is it, anyway?

5) Most of the information you see out there on the Internet is complete crap.

A lot of marketing hype wrapped around… nothing, really.

Ever read the comments on Youtube? It’s like a million kids from the third grade had nothing better to do than go out and post useless drivel on perfectly good videos.

As they say, separating the wheat from the chaff is just harder and harder these days. Finding the “good stuff” is tough.

And another argument against pickup programs is:

- “Paid products honestly don’t give you powerful, super-effective knowledge…”

This can be true, if you’re just reading the stuff that some guy slapped together into some ebook he wrote over a weekend. Look, there are tons of copycat programs out there. I’ve got guys copying what I created years ago just to make a quick buck out there.

You can generally sniff through the hype, can’t you? It’s pretty easy to make outrageous claims that appeal to desperation.

It’s quite another thing to give consistently measurable RESULTS.

Well, the fact of the matter is that I’ve been doing this since 2001, and I wouldn’t have lasted if I didn’t deliver on the super-effective knowledge you want and need to improve with women.

I’ve been fairly successful doing that for guys.

Oh, and there’s also this bit of interesting advice:

- “When guys are struggling with women, needing more advice often isn’t the problem This is very often harmful to their confidence.”

I actually agree with this one… Mostly.

Very often, you don’t need MORE information. What you really need is the ACTION to put that information to work for you.

All too often, though, we fall into that trap of thinking that the NEXT cool thing is what we need. And the NEXT one… and so on.

But in reality, what we need is simply an intelligent and easy way to APPLY what we already have so that it works for us.

Back when my forehead was crinkling up, I wondered… Could it be that guys just need to “be themselves” and everything will just work out on its own?

I realized that this isn’t the answer. It’s that false hope that if we do nothing, that everything will just “work itself out.”

Well, this can happen for you in some areas of your life, but the reality is that no one gets their inner game (or their outer game) fixed very well by just hoping that things work out.

What normally happens is that bad habits get worse, and then our self-confidence slides further and further down the drain.

In the end, what you really need is not to pretend that you don’t need any help to overcome your challenges.

What you need is just GOOD help. Not incomplete bites of information that are like pieces from different puzzles you’re trying to make fit into your life.

It sounds kind of “duh” when you look at it this way, but it’s really true.

You ever have someone just give you a dumb little piece of simple advice about something that completely improved what you were trying to do?

Maybe it was a different way to hold a pick when you were playing the guitar, or they just pointed out a shortcut in a game you were trying to beat, or they gave you a quick way around some intersection that always has traffic.

Whatever it was, you probably smacked yourself in the head and said, “Damn. Why didn’t I know about that?”

It’s these little tips – at the right time and place – that can double or triple your success and ease.

But more than this, it comes from having a complete understanding of the BIG picture.

So why do guys use pickup lines?

I’ve been studying this curious mating ritual for over 10 years now, and I finally understood the reasons why guys want to use them.

Pick up lines are the equivalent of a knock-knock joke.

1) She feels obligated to answer, even though she knows what’s coming…

2) She knows something dumb is probably coming after she answers…

3) She’s forced to give you a small amount of polite regard after you’re done…

4) She’s going to get away from you as soon as humanly possible after you’re done telling it…

Truthfully, that small amount of polite regard isn’t even necessary anymore.

Pick up lines come in two flavors:

Pick up Line 1 = The funny pickup line that you look up, seriously wanting something to say when you approach a woman, but knowing you’ll NEVER use it…

Pick up Line 2 = The REAL pickup line that you want to just start a conversation.

Again, most guys use a pick up line because they really want to connect with a woman, but they’re also so guarded and afraid of being rejected by her that they put up an artificial front to protect themselves.

Ask any woman and she’ll tell you that this is the worst thing you can do to get her interested.

Knock-knock…

“Who’s there?”

A guy who’s scared of rejection.

Hmmm….

That guy would be you, me, and most every guy out there.

That’s why so many guys use a pick up line. It’s a crutch so that we can blame the pick up line if it doesn’t work right.

After all, it’s better to say SOMETHING and have it not work out than to say nothing and be SURE it won’t work, right?

Wrong.

There IS a way to use a pick up line and get it to work.

There’s a secret ingredient that most guys are leaving out of their pick up lines that make all the difference.

It’s a very simple principle, and if you use it, it will work for you every time you use it.

THE PICK UP LINE SECRET INGREDIENT:

Personalization.

You see, in order for a woman to feel attracted to you, she must believe that she is unique and special in some way to you. Different from the other 358 women you approached today.

A woman has to feel UNIQUE.

So your approach must feel like it was meant for her, and she’s the ONLY woman you’ll be talking to that day.

Somewhere deep inside, she probably knows this isn’t true, but she desperately WANTS to believe it’s true.

Why?

Because in order for her to risk intimacy with a man, she’s to believe that she is the only one for him.

She has to believe that he SELECTED her as being unique and special enough to be the possible mother of his children.

I know, this sounds crazy, right? After all, it’s just a fling to you – and maybe even for her.

But deep underneath all that casual and temporary interest is the very REAL fact that a woman can hook up with a guy and end up with an 18 year obligation.

Yes, it’s called a BABY.

Even though that’s not the possibility YOU are thinking about, and even if you use all the birth control in the world, it’s a possibility that she’s ALWAYS aware of it.

After all, you could just have your fun and then skip town, right? She’s the one that can’t escape that freaky night of naked bliss.

So how do you add in this secret ingredient to your pick up line so that it feels customized and personalized just for her?

You’ve probably already figured this out…

Your opener simply has to be ABOUT HER.

I’ve heard guys use some pretty ridiculous things to open a conversation, but nothing tops the cake more than hearing some guy ask an opinion opener that a woman could care less about.

An “opinion opener” is simply a question you ask that starts a conversation with a woman by asking her opinion.

Stuff like:

- “Hey, who do you think lies more, men or women?”

- “My roommate is cheating on his girlfriend, but I’m friends with his girlfriend. Do you think I should say something to her?”

- “We’re arguing over who was the better pop singer, Michael Jackson or Britney Spears… Who do you think was better?”

And usually these openers start out with “Hey, let me ask you your opinion on something…”

Well, these are great if you’re just being as indirect as possible, but they can also really backfire on you.

You see, if you’re being TOO indirect, you run the risk of the “Who cares?” syndrome.

This is where a woman figures out that your conversation is so detached and uninteresting to her that she just shrugs and says to herself, “Who cares…”

Remember the SECRET PICK UP LINE INGREDIENT….

Personalization.

The best strategy, and this is one I’ve used for years – and I never once got “caught” by a woman who thought I was copying something I heard on TV or read in the book “The Game” – the best strategy I’ve found is to make your opinion opener related to something about HER.

Here are a few examples:

- “So I saw that you have a bellybutton ring. My sister got her nose pierced. Which one do you think is more painful?”

- “Hey, you’ve got one of those ‘Coach’ purses. My mom got one of them and said she thinks it’s so great. Aren’t all purses pretty much the same?”

- “Hey, I noticed that you were reading Photography Weekly… Is that a better magazine than Photo Digest?”

There are some great examples that you can use.

CAUTION: You’ll notice that when you make comments or observations about women, you can easily make the mistake of communicating a strange kind of “feminine” interest in her.

In other words, my opener about purses would sound a bit strange if I didn’t throw in a facial expression that said that I have NO CLUE about this topic. I’m just giving this woman the opportunity to enlighten me. So be sure that you deliver the opening pick up line with a bit of “man confusion” mixed in. This lets her know that you’re not just pretending to be one of the girls.

Now, here’s something else to remember:

Because you’re being specific to her, you’re going to have to think a teeny tiny bit more about what to say. But honestly, you can easily think up a few things to “observe” in advance and comment on about women. It’s not that hard.

If you sit down right now, I bet you can come up with 5 quick things to comment on about a woman.

Here, I’ll help you:

Her shoes…

Her hair…

Her dog…

Her car…

Her jacket…

The coffee she’s drinking…

The food she’s munching on…

The list goes on and on.

You can come up with a hundred of those “opinion openers” that have nothing to do with the woman you’re talking with, and that’s the kind of emotional investment you’ll get.

OR you can just come up with 3 or 4 good PERSONALIZED pick up lines that will work for you pretty much EVERYWHERE you go.

Think about the things you see on women all the time, or things you observe about them. You’ll realize that there’s a lot you’ve been missing.

Here’s the Coolest Bonus Part About Using The Personalization Technique…

The bonus to this technique is that you will also be communicating that you have a much deeper perception of women than most guys have.

Women know that most guys don’t really notice anything about women. They think we’re all hopelessly lost in sports statistics and quoting lines from Adam Sandler movies. (Unfortunately, a lot of guys are.)

When you ask a simple question that shows you’re SEEING her and experiencing her, you’ll instantly separate yourself from the rest of the guys.

(One thing every single person on this planet wants desperately is to be seen and understood by someone else. We want someone to “get” us.)

So remember that the way to improve your pick up lines and make them powerful to women is simply to add in that secret ingredient of PERSONALIZATION.

The second she feels that you’re talking TO HER and not just to another set of boobs that was passing by, she’ll instantly be more connected and interested.

When it comes to attracting women, one of the best things you can possibly do is to simply BE DIFFERENT. Stand apart.

Use a pick up line that makes her feel special, and you’ll be earning dividends for as long as you desire.