Q&A
Question & Answer with Carlos
Jan 15th
QUESTION:
Hiya Carlos, this is Alek from the Belgrade seminar.
Personally I used to have little success, then got some success, then got misogynistic, then had a big period of pausing and depression.
Now having recovered from that depression period. I am back on the fast curve, and so is my friend. Now, the more women we’re meeting, getting numbers from, the more misogynistic we’re getting.
All those ideas of “WOMEN are such c*nts!”, “Why can’t they appreciate more of what we do” “It’s so fucking EASY for them … ” “all they do is show up, and get whatever they want, and we have to do all this work”.
We even get images of verbally and EVEN physically putting down women. All they do is complain about how men don’t get it, and mock men for being “clods”. All I want is some “RESPECT”. It’s ok to not want what we men are offering, but at least be respectful about the role we men are playing.
Got any tips? 
______________________
CARLOS XUMA’S ADVICE:
I think Billy Joel said it best:
“Then she’ll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you’re bleedin’
But she’ll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she’s always a woman to me…”
Blame it all on yourself, because she’s just being her nature. You must be better than your nature AND hers by acting based on principle and honor rather than emotional reaction, or a desire for results.
You see, right now, you’re placing the blame on someone else’s behavior. You’re presuming that it’s their fault for being who they are. Women in every culture will take advantage of the benefits that suit them, and you should be taking advantage of the benefits that suit the men.
Sometimes the burden of self-awareness is a lot to bear…
But what is the alternative?
Give up?
Stay angry at something you can’t change?
Do we get mad because “it always gets me wet when it f*cking rains!”
Oh. Poor you. Go buy an umbrella.
“But the weather won’t appreciate that I’ve bought the umbrella! I want to be respected for spending the money to use that umbrella!”
Do you see how nutty this sounds? So why should we expect this from someone who has no idea what it’s like from our side? A woman can be as oblivious to your efforts as the weather is to you.
Let’s get back to the reality here. It’s NOT so easy for women in most all other areas. You may think that having men that they can have support them is a great break, but really it just obligates them to men rather than allowing them to lead.
YOU get to lead! You get to choose your path in life! You get to take on the world and chase your passion and purpose!
That beats the crap out of waiting for guys to approach you in a crowded and smokey club, right?
When you get angry and lash out, it’s just showing poor emotional control. You need to get back to understanding your own personal power and strengths. You’re in a pit of desperate desire for affirmation outside yourself. That’s why you can’t be happy. You’ve given control of your happiness over to someone else to either affirm or destroy.
How crazy is that?
Q & A with Carlos: Approaching Women
Jan 14th
QUESTION: Approaching Women … DAD??!
Hey Carlos,
Thanks again mate for your advice its helped me out heaps I have no
trouble getting numbers or dates anymore and its all thanks to your
E-books.
Although I would like to ask 1 thing, I was talking to my dad and
although he is happily married to my mum he still enjoys flirting
at parties, etc., with younger women just to see how they react.
Now my dad uses a very different approach so to speak. He is much
more direct and yet gets great response to it. He is never not
offered sex or some kind of other sexual favour (for want of a
better word).
His approach is he immediately introduces himself then brings up
anal sex (weird but it works) it throws the girls of completely but
then he makes [it] out as a joke and presto he has them talking
about sex within seconds of the conversation beginning.
I was wondering if this approach is worth trying or does it only
work for some people or is it just my dad? Id like to experiment
with a few other approaches other then the one I’ve been using just
to see how they go. When and where would this approach be any good?
Steve
______________________
CARLOS XUMA’S ADVICE:
Ah, your dad is most certainly an Alpha Man who understands that he
needs to keep his own masculinity warmed up to be interesting to
your mom, and it’s likely that she understands this too and the big
reason she’s still attracted to him.
The key to what he’s doing is in his tone and method of delivery.
He is completely congruent with his attitude, and deep underneath
he knows that he’s also not really going to do anything with the
women, so he comes across as completely SAFE to the women.
So you could try his approach, but you might not have the same
success because you don’t understand WHERE that attitude comes from
that he uses to feel safe to the ladies.
This “safety” factor is a big deal when it comes to women. It’s something I’m explaining in an upcoming Advanced Coaching program, and it’s essential to understand for your ability to approach women.
You can easily think of your own approaches and experiment. What you need to do is understand that you must be completely congruent and attached to the approach you use. If you are not, you’ll give it away with your body language and tonality, and women will not respond favorably. This is something I coach men about with my REAL Game programs.
If you’d really like to learn how to approach more effectively and create your own openers for any situation, refer to my Approach Women Now program.
Every approach is worth trying once, but you won’t really make it effective until you work it in and practice it. Do what works for you and your personality. Don’t try to use other people’s material (something that a lot of guys do and then wonder why it doesn’t work), since you’ll just come across as phony.
The important thing is that you APPROACH – period.
Q & A with Carlos: Dating Advice for Men
Jan 14th
QUESTION:
I’ve been listening to the Alpha Conversation & Persuasion CD’s and
trying to do what I hear, and I’ve gotten a good hang of it- I
mean, I can see and experience the changes already with the girls
and with everyone in general…
Well, I’ve developed a pipeline of girls to work on and its going
well, I’m talking to them, getting them interested and leaving
while the interest is high …
… She was asking me if I needed anything from Starbucks- though I
think that is only part of her ploy to reel me in because we ran
into each other at Starbucks a week ago and had our first bonding
chat.
Anyway- I got the feeling that she wanted to talk to me tonight,
but then something happened when she started talking to someone in
front of me, another girl, about some guy that was calling her for
a date- and it all of a sudden became girl talk- with no adherence
to me being there.
So, I finally broke in and said I couldn’t stop eavesdropping about
it all, but couldn’t hear all that well and if they’d repeat it for
me- in jest. They briefly acknowledged me but then got back to [their
conversation.] So, I excuse myself and let them have their ‘girl
talk’.
I then got changed and left work- but as I was leaving I was
thinking why I didn’t turn back around and talk to her like I think
I wanted to.
I was wrong somewhere- if so, where?
______________________
CARLOS XUMA’S ADVICE:
Yeah, this is a common situation with guys that rapidly spirals out
of control. One minute you’re in an exciting and interesting
conversation with a woman, the next minute she’s talking to someone
else and you’re frozen out.
The key to keeping some women’s interest is to keep the
conversation amped up to the level where she won’t be distracted…
Some people are just plain rude. They get all caught up in
themselves and their conversation, and they fail to bring others
back into the conversation.
There are a couple of techniques for dealing with this. One is to
simply call them on it, like this…
You say: “That’s rude.”
They say “What?”
“Cutting someone out of your conversation like that. Just when we were having fun!”
OR:
“Hey, before you guys get going, let me tell you about this crazy thing that happened to me …”
Deliver it with a little humorous or fun edge so they don’t think you’re trying to be a dick. You have to be socially aware here so that you don’t constantly push your way into a conversation where they are deliberately trying to keep you out.
I had this come up for me at an event on Wednesday night. I walked over and just sat down to talk with a couple women that were talking. One of them was being a little bitchy and distant, playing ego games, and she was doing her best to push me out. The other gal was sweet and nice, and wasn’t pushing me out. Even though they weren’t including me, I sat there in their conversation, sipping my water, TOTALLY CONFIDENT in who I was and that I was justified being there.
Now this is something they weren’t used to, because after a while, they started to pull me back in. You see, I wasn’t nervous or giving off a vibe of the clueless guy. I was comfortable in my own space and my own silence. (If you want to learn this skill, read on and I’ll tell you more about how.)
If the women that you’re trying to talk to get indignant, hey, you just successfully screened out a gal that would have mistreated you and given you hell down the road. Congratulations!
Q & A with Carlos: How do you get a woman to talk about personal things?
Jan 14th
QUESTION:
Hey Carlos…
How do I get a woman to talk about personal things? There’s this girl I’ve been talking to about a year. We’ve only hung out a couple of times though. Today she called me and we were talking for like 40 minutes. I then asked “Can I ask you something personal?” She said no. I told her what’s the point in being friends if we can’t share personal information. She said “So you don’t wanna be my friend anymore?” I paused for a minute then told her to call me back.
And every time I ask her to come over she says why don’t I come over there. She also said that she doesn’t even share personal information with her mother. I think I messed up with this chick a long time ago. After all she stole something from me and denied it, plus she has a boyfriend who she really doesn’t want to be with. Any advice?
______________________
CARLOS XUMA’S ADVICE:
First of all, when you think that you messed it up, you probably did.
Don’t even bother asking me how to “get her back again.” I’ve already provided THE definitive answer on this topic. (It’s in my archives, go and search ‘em.) You’re chasing your own failure’s tail, and you’re making your state worse and worse the longer you believe you can redeem yourself.
By the way, you failed her test.
Which test?
When she asked you that question about not wanting to be her friend, you should have said, “My friends are open, vulnerable, and trusting. I don’t feel that from you.” Then you hang up and wait for her to call you back. If she doesn’t, nothing lost.
Alpha Men don’t NEED women. They exist on their own continuum of honor and integrity. And STANDARDS.
Speaking of which, you should be smacking yourself in the head right now. She stole something from you? This is the character of woman you want in your life? A thief?
Come on, man, have some freakin’ standards! You associate with low-quality trash like this and guess what effect it will have on your life?
The single most important decision in your life will be the woman you choose to ally yourself with.
- Choose well and you will live long and prosper.
- Choose poorly and your life will spiral the drain, and you will wish for a quick death.
I’m not f***ing kidding, my friend.
You’re in a reactive state with this woman. This is where you’re trying to GET her to GIVE to you. You can’t do this in any area of relationships. When you do things to GET… (gimme gimme gimme, get get get) your motivations are flawed and you sabotage the machine.
If you do things based on principle and rightness of action, you will succeed far more, and live a higher quality of life overall.
So instead of trying to get a woman to tell you personal things…
FIRST, ask yourself why you need to know. I believe it’s probably because you want what she won’t give you, not because you really care. You’re challenged by her distance and aloofness.
SECOND, ask yourself why a woman would NOT want to tell you personal facts on her own.
In those two thought exercises you will find the seeds of your answers. You see, she didn’t tell you because she did not TRUST you, and THAT is the your real problem.
And it sounds like she’s got trust issues in general if she won’t talk to you after a year, or talk to her own mother. (Two words: Damaged Goods.)
Now if you’re in the mood to quit this reactive game of “can I get her to be my puppet and do my bidding,” I suggest you find out how to get REAL game with women.
Q & A with Carlos: Dating Advice for Men
Jan 14th
QUESTION:
Carlos!
Thanks so much for your advice [The Dating Black Book]! I feel myself changing and molding into a better self. I bring confidence to the table not only at dates, bars, parties, but also at work. People see that I mean business and that I’m on my own path to personal greatness. I’m coming into a promotion very soon and also getting random job offers! People see the passion!
Do you have any hints on what I should put up as an away message on my AIM? I go out quite a bit and I do know women that I know personally that check my away message. Usually I put “OutÉ” or “A night out on the town 
” (with one of those winks @ the end)
Also, I live in an apartment complex and was wondering if it’s a good idea to start dating a neighbor?
Thanks so much!
______________________
CARLOS XUMA’S ADVICE:
That’s what I’m talking about!
PASSION!
That’s the fuel for an Alpha Man’s life. If you just embrace these concepts, you’ll create a lifestyle that other men will envy.
Now, first of all, don’t date neighbors. Women don’t go for it. Too weird. Think this situation through for a minute and you’ll realize why. Can you imagine wondering if she’s watching you go out with friends? Watching for your car to appear? Peeking in your windows?
It’s like a shake-and-bake stalking situation, just add romance. I wouldn’t bother because very few women will indulge this one; they know that it’s scarcity thinking to think that you can date your neighbor. It’s just creepy.
Your question about the AIM “away” message is interesting. You see, I’ve never thought of these things in terms of what will get a certain response, but only in the message I want to communicate to women. I want them to know that…
A) I’m moving forward in life. I’ve got goals and PURPOSE.
B) I don’t NEED women. I want them, but I don’t need them.
C) I’m one FUN motherf***** to be with.
By operating on the basis of acting on principle rather than results, I stop chasing the carrot. I don’t alter my path to get something. I know that even if I don’t get what I would have liked from the interaction, I will learn, I will be sticking to my beliefs and values, and I will not be sacrificing integrity.
But you don’t want a lecture on my philosophy, you just want to know what to say, right?
Here’s what *I* would use for my “Away” message:
“Gone out to find adventure in the REAL world… Back when I need a rest…”
“Life’s an adventure… what are you doing in front of your computer?”
“I’m out having fun … why aren’t you with me?”
“Sorry, too busy to haunt my computer and geek out… Come out and play!”
Do I say this to GET a certain reaction? No. This is how I REALLY feel.
People talk about “natural” game a lot, and that’s the essence of what I teach, but I also add in so much more. This is REAL Game, the ability to be real with a woman, AND attract her.
If you want to learn more about this concept, I suggest you learn about REAL GAME …
The reality is that True success with women requires a firm sense of direction in life, and self-confidence.
But you hear that all the time, don’t you?
“Just be confident.”
You’ll hear that nugget of advice from a lot of guys out there, but the difference is that they’ll say “be confident,” and not give you ONE single method of actually improving your confidence.
That’s where I will help you.
I spent years trying out various self-help programs, studying my own inner psychology (and inner wuss, too.) I figured out which things make a difference and …
…I will genuinely help you improve your inner game with women.
When a woman senses that you’ve got passions and direction in your life – even if that passion is to improve to be more attractive to women – then they’ll want to come along for the ride.
I saw it over and over again as I went down this road.
Now, I also mapped this development, and I want you to benefit from my experience. There’s no reason you should have to take as long as I did to make these changes to your own life.
Q & A with Carlos: Is She Really That Special?
Jan 14th
Carlos Xuma’s Dating Advice for Men
QUESTION: Is she really THAT special…?
Carlos,
First off, Happy New Year!
I had a great party at my house last night that my parents let me throw and it was a blast. Since restarting the Alpha Man Program, I feel so much better. My good friend’s cousin was here last night and she was really hot.
We hit it off well, but what really turned me on to her was her personality. This may be the first time I actually mean it when I say it too. She was so noble and modest, almost a different breed. Way more mature than any girl her age (20). I told her out of instinct I thought her passions were sexy and went in for the kiss. She told me I was cute and bold (thanks to the AMP).
Anyway, we scheduled a day two this week, but a couple things.
1. I admit to a slight jealousy when she was flirting with another friend, but did my best to do my own thing when it happened. How can I get back on a woman’s radar when this happens?
2. I leave for school in two weeks and most likely won’t see her again. But, where can I meet more women like her? The girls at bars I meet are so immature. This one doesn’t like getting “Fucked up” or smoke weed or any of that stuff.
Thanks,
P
______________________
CARLOS ANSWERS:
Yes, you’ll meet a lot of women out there. But the biggest mistake you can make is to get fixated on any one woman as being too special or “different.” And especially if she really IS special or different!
It’s important to not get too carried away with the feeling that a woman is TOO special. The reason is that you’ll start to lose focus and make some pretty dumb mistakes.
First of all, there’s a saying: “You are unique and special… just like everyone else.”
And this goes for her, too !
The Big Mistake happens when a guy makes the decision that one woman is somehow “different” and needs to be treated differently.
In the end, what happens? He simply overcompensates by fixating on her, obsessing, and then ruining it.
Almost EVERY time.
The girl I’m currently seeing is special to me, and the way I got her was to give her just as much space and time as I did with all the other women in my life. I treated her NO DIFFERENTLY than any of the other women.
And now that we’re into each other, I can NOW treat her more special than the other women that weren’t lucky enough to get me. You gotta be patient and relaxed at the start.
So in answer to your questions:
1) Slight jealousy happens when you don’t have options. Scaring off a woman happens when you “TRY” to get back on her radar.
Instead, do your Alpha Man role well. Show her the things I teach you in the Secrets of the Alpha Man program. When you’ve done that well, you get her number, stand out in her mind, and re-connect later.
IF you haven’t already found that the other women in your life haven’t monopolized your time. Hey, if you spread the Alpha Love, it will happen to you. I have options options options.
And so should you.
2) More women like her are probably NOT going to be at the bars. But you know what? You don’t go to the bars to meet the special ones, though they MIGHT be there.
You go there to get the practical experience that allows you to feel comfortable approaching ANY woman, so that when the special one comes along, you won’t mess it up.
And if you want to make sure you don’t mess it up, review your Secrets of the Alpha Man strategies daily.
It’s the path to strong inner AND outer game.
Q & A with Carlos: Dating Advice for Men
Jan 14th
QUESTION: How do you interpret a woman’s illogical behavior…?
Hey Carlos… How are you my friend?
I’ve got a question for you.
Why would a 22 year old chick make a Myspace page and put up a bunch of hot half naked pics of herself and put in her profile she is single and only looking for friends…?
I just don’t get it. What’s the point?
______________________
CARLOS ANSWERS:
Yes, it is a little strange that a woman would present this kind of mixed message.
But haven’t you ever been with a woman who was wearing a blouse that shows off her cleavage, and then she gets disgusted when a guy stares at her boobs?
Hmmm….
There are a couple reasons for this mixed message for you guys that might not be familiar with this:
REASON 1) This is a covert link to some kind of porn scam.
Porn is in every corner of the Internet. It’s hiding in every little crack and crevice. Watch out for it and avoid it. This chick is probably luring guys into some kind of webcam porn thing.
2) She’s a typical woman in that she says one thing with her mouth, and another with her actions.
TRUST ONLY HER ACTIONS!
If you’ve read my Dating Black Book, you’ll know the foundations of attraction with women.
One of the important psychological rules is that women are not LOGICAL!
Not even men are as logical as they’d like to think. We all are run by our EMOTIONS.
So the first mistake is to do anything but watch her actions. That will tell you all you need to know about her intent and what she’s really thinking.
3) She’s a little neurotic.
Some women have been programmed by society (and in conflict with the sexual image that they are not comfortable with due to poor development) such that they will display themselves sexually on the outside with the hope of just luring in attention that will make them feel better about what’s inside.
They tend toward very low self-esteem.
Now my feeling is that you’re making the mistake that a lot of guys make which is that of thinking that what you see on the surface is the whole story. It isn’t.
In fact, it’s only a TINY fraction of the real deal.
The mixed message you’re trying to interpret is the one that most guys are confused by when a woman dresses all sexy and says yes to a date, and then when he gets to the end of the evening she just pecks him on the cheek, tells him she had a “wonderful” time, and she thinks that you should just be friends.
AHHHHHGGGH!
That feeling sucks.
A 22 year old girl is probably not completely aware of what she wants, and is doing her best to juggle media programming, Hollywood and TV programming, and the social programming of her friends.
You can see that she’s inherited a lot of programming.
Don’t buy into the image.
Instead, understand the reality.
You can start to learn about it here, in my e-book. You can download the Dating Black Book HERE…
Q & A with Carlos: Is Voice Tone Really Important?
Jan 12th
QUESTION:
I have a very important question to ask you, and it relates to voice tone. I know that the correct tone of voice to display is one that indicates that you’re confident.
Now, when being cocky & funny, teasing a women, etc., should you maintain the same voice tone throughout the conversation, regardless of what you are saying?
What I am trying to say is that when you communicate with a woman, should you change your voice tone at certain times when you say different things?
I don’t understand this. What is the correct voice tone to project?
Please help me solve this mystery Carlos.
P. S – Is voice tone really that important? I mean I am not the type of guy that speaks with a weak voice tone whatsoever. I speak with a normal voice tone that I think sounds pretty confident. The reason I say this is because I can’t find much information on this topic. What do you think?
CARLOS ANSWERS:
Tone of voice is VERY important. It’s something that a lot of guys overlook. And, unfortunately, it’s one thing that women can use to read you in a heartbeat. You see, every guy out there tells more about what he’s made of by HOW he says something more than WHAT he says.
Yes, you must definitely vary your tone of voice as much as possible.
One of the worst things guys do with their voice is ….
Nothing.
They simply don’t vary their voice from a monotone, and as a result they sound … well, BORING.
A woman is interpretive, not literal. She knows that people seldom mean what they SAY. She’s learned this from growing up in social interactions instead of football huddles. So almost every woman has about a 20 year head start on most guys in terms of reading between the lines and figuring out the real social dynamics of a situation.
Women grew up having to be indirect with their requests and interactions with other girls (being too direct was frowned upon), so they learned very early how to understand when another girl wasn’t saying what she really thinking.
And that means women have it all over guys in terms of her ability to read tone and hear what a guy is saying UNDERNEATH his words. Guys need to develop this ability, too.
Let’s use an example where you asked a woman to go out on Thursday.
She says: “I’m busy that night.”
Now, if she emphasizes the word “busy,” she’s probably blowing you off and doesn’t want to get together. If she emphasizes the word “that,” she’s telling you that particular night is not available, but you might need to suggest another night. You have to listen for these small subtleties and adjust your strategy accordingly.
Remember that when a woman first meets you, she doesn’t know what is joking and what is not. Only people who have known you a while can figure out when you’re being serious and when you are being sarcastic … or trying to be funny. (This is especially true in emails, so be careful!)
For you, there’s one very simple rule for your voice: Vary your tone enough to sound INTERESTING.
The best exercise for this is to try your voice out on your pet. If you’ve got a cat or a dog, you should try telling them a story in a way that will keep their attention, and by also using hand gestures. If you can keep your pet from walking off in mid-sentence, you’re probably using good variation in your tone of voice.
Another way to improve your tone of voice is to join a local club, like Toastmasters, that will help you with speaking in public, and has the added benefit of improving your self-confidence in the process.
You really need to HEAR the proper delivery to understand it, which is why I cover voice tone in almost every one of my Advanced Audio Coaching sessions. Let’s face it, there’s no way I can adequately demonstrate tone of voice in this column, but you can hear how voice and delivery SHOULD be performed by listening to examples, like old Cary Grant and James Bond movies. Listen to how they use their tone to be funny and even seductive at the same time.
So let me say it once more… Tone of voice is VERY important.
Take the time to cultivate an interesting voice and women won’t be able to resist your charms.
Q & A with Carlos: How to Flirt With Women – Even when she’s cold to you…
Jan 10th
QUESTION FOR CARLOS:
I flirted some with a female security guard at a bank and she out of the blue came up to me and asked me if I was buying lunch. I have read that you shouldn’t buy lunch until you get closer to being intimate with someone. I said well, “I could” but was then interrupted and had to leave.
From that point on she changed her attitude and became very “professional” in her actions, and now she just nods her head when I speak or wave to her when I see her. I don’t know whether to continue to flirt with her or just keep my distance keep it on the “professional” relationship with her and let it go at that.
What did I do wrong to offend her? Was it I refused to buy lunch? I did ask her out after that and she just said she was busy that weekend.
D.H., Indiana
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Okay, so we should probably talk a little bit about the dating dynamic that happened here…
But first, I need to give you a little tough love.
Yes, from time to time I will advise you to do certain things, but nothing is a black & white rule in dating and attraction. That means that from time to time you can do completely opposite things from my advice and they will both work the same for you.
This is very hard for guys to understand when they’re first learning, so I will give you a few “rules” now and then.
So when I tell you that you shouldn’t buy lunch, that’s most of the time. And it’s a good rule to stick to.
Why?
Because most guys buy lunch for a woman because they’re trying to kiss her ass to get her to like them. They think that if they just give a woman enough stuff, that this will “prove” to her that she should like him.
(WHY guy’s think this should work is beyond my reasoning… and I’m assuming most have figured out that this is a losing strategy.)
The reality is that we look down on people who try to buy our favor with gifts. We secretly resent them because we know they’re trying to manipulate us for personal gain.
In this situation, your job is to wonder why she wanted you to buy her lunch.
After all she offered that to you.
One very likely explanation is that she was into your flirting and decided it was okay to put herself out there and take the lead.
But a woman will very likely only do this once. That was a risk to her ego to put it out there, and it might not have been a bad thing for you to accept.
What happens is that after a woman does this, she then feels that “Oh no! I just initiated a flirtatious connection with a man! That might make me a slut…!”
And this happens in just a split second in her emotional brain. She doesn’t even know it’s happening to her.
And then she backs off.
So there are really only two kinds of women that ask for you to pay for something.
1) There’s this kind of woman who was genuinely interested, but used this request as a demure way of showing interest, and then…
2) There are the “let me see what I can get” women that are basically trying to sucker the chumps out there.
It’s your job to be able to tell the difference, and you’ll see it in the future now that I’ve explained them to you.
Keep flirting… you’re too worried about winning her over and interpreting her behavior. If you modify your behavior to accommodate her “mood” or the way she acts, she’ll sense it, and it will lower her attraction.
This is what is known as “social reactiveness.”
If she said she was busy for that date, you should bust her chops. Tease her. Give her a hard time.
“Busy? What could you be doing that would be more fun? Cleaning your gun? Watching Lethal Weapon for the 37th time? C’mon! Live a little!”
Have fun with her and keep it up. What have you got to lose? You’re not dating her now are you?
Guess what? The worst case is that you won’t be dating her later on either.
Do you see the mindset? There is NO POSSIBLE LOSS.
That is what is most important… That you learned how to think like a confident Alpha Man, not whether or not she likes you or not.
One of them is meaningless in the grand scheme of your life, and the other is VITAL to your lasting self-esteem and happiness.
I’ll let you figure out which is which.
Best of luck,
- Carlos Xuma
Q & A with Carlos: How to Flirt With Women
Jan 10th
QUESTION:
I flirted some with a female security guard at a bank and she out of the blue came up to me and asked me if I was buying lunch. I have read that you shouldn’t buy lunch until you get closer to being intimate with someone. I said well, “I could” but was then interrupted and had to leave.
From that point on she changed her attitude and became very “professional” in her actions, and now she just nods her head when I speak or wave to her when I see her. I don’t know whether to continue to flirt with her or just keep my distance keep it on the “professional” relationship with her and let it go at that.
What did I do wrong to offend her? Was it I refused to buy lunch? I did ask her out after that and she just said she was busy that weekend.
D.H., Indiana
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Okay, so we should probably talk a little bit about the dating dynamic that happened here…
But first, I need to give you a little tough love.
Yes, from time to time I will advise you to do certain things, but nothing is a black & white rule in dating and attraction. Meaning that you can do completely opposite things from my advice from time to time and they will both work for you.
This is very hard for guys to understand when they’re first learning, so I will give you a few “rules” now and then.
So when I tell you that you shouldn’t buy lunch, that’s most of the time. And it’s a good rule to stick to.
Why?
Because MOST guys buy lunch for a woman because they’re trying to kiss her ass to get her to like them. They think that if they just give a woman enough stuff, that this will “prove” to her that she should like him.
(WHY guys think this should work is beyond my reasoning… and I’m assuming most guys have figured out that this is a losing strategy.)
In this situation, your job is to wonder why she wanted you to buy her lunch. After all she offered this up. One very likely explanation is that she was into your flirting and decided it was okay to put herself out there and take the lead.
But a woman will very likely only do this once. That was a risk to her ego to put it out there, and it might not have been a bad thing for you to accept.
What happens is that after a woman does this, she then feels that “Oh no! I just initiated a flirtatious connection with a man! That might make me a slut…!”
And this happens in just a split second in her emotional brain. She doesn’t even know it’s happening to her.
And then she backs off.
So there are really only two kinds of women that ask for you to pay for something. There’s this kind of woman who was genuinely interested, but used it as her feminine way of showing interest, and then there are the “let me see what I can get” women that are basically trying to sucker the chumps out there.
It’s your job to be able to tell the difference, and you’ll see it in the future now that I’ve explained it.
Keep flirting… you’re too worried about winning her over and interpreting her behavior. If you modify your behavior to accommodate her “mood” or the way she acts, she’ll sense it, and it will lower her attraction.
This is what is known as “social reactiveness.”
If she said she was busy for that date, you should bust her chops. Tease her. Give her a hard time.
“Busy? What could you be doing that would be more fun? Cleaning your gun? Watching Lethal Weapon for the 37th time? C’mon! Live a little!”
What have you got to lose? You’re not dating her now are you?
Guess what? The worst case is that you won’t be dating her later on either.
Do you see the mindset?
That is what is most important… That you learned how to think like a confident Alpha Man, not whether or not she likes you or not.
One of them is meaningless in the grand scheme of your life, and the other is VITAL to your lasting self-esteem and happiness.
I’ll let you figure out which is which.
Best of luck,
- Carlos Xuma
Q & A with Carlos: How to Use Facebook to Meet Women in 4 Easy Steps…
Jan 10th
I’ve had quite a few guys ask me about using the latest in social networking to get hooked up meeting women.
Well, it’s actually not that hard, but you have to do it with some understanding of how to play the game. Because there are many ways to do it wrong, and only a few to do it right…
QUESTION ABOUT FACEBOOK:
Carlos, hey man, thanks for all your great advice…
I wanted to ask you about something – how can I use Facebook to meet women online?
I’ve heard that it can be done, but I can’t help thinking it would be weird and creepy to approach some of my friends’ friends like this and ask for a date.
But it seems like a MEGA opportunity to meet women.
How can I work this?
- Allen L., Houston
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
I’ve been eyeing this method to meeting women for some time, and I agree completely. It IS a mega-mega opportunity to meet women…
…if it’s handled right.
First of all, let’s remember the catastrophe that is “Myspace.” (May it rest in peace.) That social network has been so polluted and abused that it’s really not useful anymore. I know I don’t take it seriously.
What happened there?
Well, first of all, everyone got slammed with spam. A few clever programmers and bulk friend programs, and suddenly you had Myspace pages that looked like web sites from the year 1998.
Cheap backgrounds, silly wallpaper, and everybody’s page looked like a 14-year-old girl’s bedroom, complete with Britney Spears posters.
Enter Facebook.
A whole lot classier than its trailer-park cousin, Facebook has maintained a better image. But with a bunch of cool toys and add-ons that made it interesting and more fun.
So how can you work this great social networking tool to help you with your dating life – while not looking like some pervert who got kicked out of the alleys of Myspace?
I’ll give you a very simple 4-step model to use. This is the one that my friends and I have used consistently to get results online.
STEP 1: Connect with the guys – and other women – who have a lot of cute girl friends.
In other words, connect with people that YOU are not interested in dating who have big networks.
You must be very indirect at first using Facebook.
Remember the lesson from Myspace – Don’t be a spammer!
This is not “match.com” or an online dating site, so don’t just start sending out invites and emails hoping to score based on numbers. We’ve come to hate the abusers, and you’ll just get your sorry ass kicked right off.
Start out with light connections. Think “friends first.”
Don’t make your Facebook profile look like you’re trying to meet women. Be subtle.
What you’re trying to do is multiply your results and increase your connection potential by meeting more people who know more people.
If you just start trying to hit on the women you’re interested in right off the bat, you’ll be limiting your results with shortsighted thinking.
Think out to the LONG term. The more cool people you connect with and forge relationships with, the more likely you are to connect with a woman naturally.
STEP 2: Connect with women you are interested in VERY indirectly.
What you have to do is send a simple friend request – and make sure you include a message with it!
You just say something like, “Hey, I saw we’re both friends with Greg… Then I noticed you’re a snowboarder, too… Ever go to Tahoe?”
You see what I did there? I left a question INSIDE my friend request. For her to answer it, she’s going to feel compelled to add me.
It’s also just something people are looking to do. Let’s face it, we all measure our social success by how many people we’ve got as friends on Facebook. We all want a HUGE network, so women will WANT to add you – if only to increase their friend count.
STEP 3: Start leveraging the tools.
Facebook has a huge amount of potential for the guy who wants to take advantage of them. You can add all kinds of cute little applications to send virtual drinks to friends, send goofy gifts, or even start your own polls and surveys.
But one of the best tools you need to be using is the GROUP function on Facebook.
In fact, in preparing for this article, I created the group “Carlos Xuma’s Alpha Lifestyle” to start connecting you guys together and enabling men to share information.
You can do this, too. Just create a group based on your passion and your local area.
I’m going to advise you to avoid starting a group based on “Warcraft” or on the latest hot actress.
Make your group something a woman can relate to and might be interested in. Maybe it’s the television show “Lost…” or maybe it’s about all things Italian.
Ba-da-bing! Now you’ve got a hook to use to invite her into your group.
STEP 4: Start escalating and creating more opportunities.
Remember, this is a VIRTUAL tool. It’s online.
In other words, your connections don’t REALLY exist anywhere except on some server in an air-conditioned room in a data center somewhere.
It’s up to YOU to bring these connections to life with events that you can invite people to.
Most people will stroll around this virtual network, but then never take it into the REAL world. That’s where YOU come in.
Maybe once a month you should organize a happy hour at your local favorite bar. Or maybe you make a Facebook group for wine tasters, and then every other Friday you meet up and go tasting the latest Pinot Noirs.
THAT is your opportunity to start looking for romantic potential in the groups. You have to remember that you can’t be a Facebook “pickup artist” and try to attract women online.
You have to build a network, forge some connections, and meet women in person to start creating the attraction.
That being said, you can also send out some playful introductions to women you don’t know and see if they bite. (Just make sure your profile has enough interesting bait for them to nibble at…)
- Write on people’s walls…
- Send a few virtual drinks…
- Send some good karma…
- Use the “Flirtable” app…
For the man with initiative, the Facebook world is yours.
So step up and start creating the social network, then start meeting the women in it.
By the way, if you’d like to add me as a friend, go look me up. Carlos Xuma on Facebook.com…
Get Social!
Carlos Xuma
