Silver Members
Dating Advice For Men
Oct 6th
Dating Advice for Men: How To Flirt With Women
Flirting with women is a concept that is lost on most guys. Let’s face it – most men are clueless when it comes to HOW to flirt with women effectively.
So what we’re going to discuss today are my three hottest bits of dating advice for men that will expose the mistakes men make when trying to flirt with women.
Dating advice for men – Flirt mistake 1: Waiting too long to approach or start the conversation.
If there’s any dating advice for men that stands the test of time, it’s this one. Women are estimating your confidence level based on how long you wait until you approach. The longer it takes, the more interest and attraction she loses for you.
The second she notices you, and knows that you have noticed her, a timer starts in her head. And if you hesitate, that tells her you’re not as confident as she wants you to be. And if it takes TOO LONG, she’s going to find it creepy that you’re looking and not doing something.
So here’s my dating advice for men who want to avoid this mistake:
The second you see an attractive woman, your mind is going to try to stop you from going over to meet her. And there is no logical reason why for this, other than you feel a natural hesitation.
Just get into the habit of walking over within 3 seconds of seeing a woman you want to meet. You don’t need a clever line to get her to talk to you. (In fact, using ‘lines’ on women often makes them more reluctant to talk.) Say hello and get right to it.
Dating advice for men – Flirt mistake 2: Flirting with your mouth instead of your whole body.
Guys often make the mistake of being a bit too direct when they talk with women. The most important thing to recognize about women is that they like “indirectly direct” communication. Meaning that you can flirt-talk with her, but you have to give her “plausible deniability” the whole time you’re talking with her.
What is “Plausible deniability”? It’s the ability for a woman to deny that she had taken the lead or initiative in flirting or leading you on. She wants to hint to you that she’s interested, but she often can’t because of the amount of social pressure put on women to not be the pursuer. She also wants to be chased herself, so you want to give her the ability to write her own story about how it all happened.
So here’s my dating advice for men who want to avoid this mistake:
Instead of saying things like: “Wow, you sure are beautiful…” or “God must be missing an angel up in heaven…”, find ways of communicating your appreciation with your body language.
One of the best ways you can make a woman feel cherished and appreciated is simply to use more eye contact. Just look from eye to eye, and occasionally let your eyes stray down to her lips – or to her hair. This shows that you’re taking her in and find her attractive without sounding like a dork.
Just remember that appreciating does not mean “ogling.” You can visually appreciate a woman without looking like you’re imagining her naked. (Save that for later…)
Dating advice for men – Flirt mistake 3: Asking for a date instead of just a small “upsell.”
I frequently have to correct guys on this one. They will go talk to a woman, get things going, and then end it with: “Hey, you want to go out on a date sometime?”
You can see the complete change in her eyes and her expression when he does this.
Asking for the date is a big turn off when it’s done too soon. It’s like walking onto a used car lot, and after only 2 minutes of small talk, the salesman asks you to come in and fill out the paperwork. Whoah!
Even on the phone, you don’t want to jump in too far, too fast. Remember that a man represents a whole bunch of “what ifs” to a woman, and your goal is to not start dancing in the minefield of her anxieties and blow things up.
Instead, the best dating advice for this situation is that you go for the easy “upsell.”
So here’s my dating advice for men who want to avoid this mistake flirting with women:
If you’ve ever gone to McDonalds, you’ve been offered an “upsell” at one point or another. You probably heard it like this:
“Would you like fries with that?”
It’s a brilliant marketing strategy that has increased McDonald’s revenues massively. Just by offering a small add-on, we’re more likely to agree to it.
Don’t ask for the date. Instead, just ask for a quick cup of coffee or tea. A small meeting like this is non-assuming, and will get a much higher acceptance rate from women. They won’t see it as threatening, and they’ll see it as a legit way to actually get to know you.
PLUS you’ll radically reduce the amount of flakes you get. (Most women flake on dates because she just forgets if she was really into you in the first place. She cooled off.)
So there you go. Three of my hottest dating advice for men that you can put to use RIGHT NOW.
And if you want to get the complete roadmap of how to go from home alone to how to meet and attract the sexy girlfriend of your dreams, then you need to learn how to approach and flirt with women with my home study program. It’s fast, easy, and guaranteed to get you from no women to wherever you want to be in just a few weeks.
Date as many women as you want – for as long as YOU want.
It’s up to you…
Go download your copy here: Dating Advice For Men…
Stay Alpha!
Wishing you confidence and success with women – With HONOR and integrity.
PS: You might be reading this right now, just happy to be entertained with the information I’m sharing. But I want more than this for you.
I want you to get REAL results with women.
Stop pretending everything is “fine.”
Stop walking away from situations that make you nervous – like approaching a woman, or asking her out.
Stop letting the outside world stop you from being the man you want to be…
Make a decision that today is the day things will change forever for you.
Go here now and discover how to make that change:
Dating Tips For Guys
Jan 17th
1) What types of presents should be given at the
beginning of a relationship that the man hopes to be a
serious, lasting love? (and what not to give!)
Generally speaking, a man should not give ANY gifts
for the first few two or three dates. Most guys tend
toward “buy her affections” behavior, where they try
to lock women into an implied commitment by buying gifts
for her far too soon. What this really does is
scare women off.
Instead, a guy should save his money to demonstrate that
he’s FUN, and then show her a good time. An example
might be to get a few rolls of quarters and take her
to the arcade. Or buy her a really nice pastry that
you can share together.
Gifts early on should be geared toward enhancing the
experience of your time together, not to impress a woman.
Hold off on the flowers and the candy until you’ve
built up some genuine rapport and interest from her,
then your gifts will be appreciated.
After three dates or so, the guy can then open up a
little and maybe get her a card or some flowers. But
the idea here, again, is to keep it LOW KEY. It’s
better to under-gift at this point so that he can show
thoughtful caution rather than hasty imprudence.
Remember: It’s not the money you spend, but the message you
send.
2) What types of presents he should give to show its
just a short-term, sexy affair, a fling that will go
no further? (and what not to give!)
For a sexy affair, give sexy gifts! Small things like
a coupon to fulfill her fantasy, or take her to a
lingerie store to buy a really hot nightie. How about
a couple of tickets to a steamy movie?
Do NOT give expensive gifts as they imply a level of
commitment that neither party may be willing to make.
No jewelry or big-ticket items. Keep it tasteful, not
trashy.
3) What types of presents to give to a girl as a sign
that now the man is starting to think more seriously
about the relationship, and wants to show that he
hopes it will last. (and what not to give!)
When it comes time for an anniversary or some kind of
major event, such as Valentine’s Day, or a birthday,
you’re pretty much obligated to step up and produce
something memorable. I once gave a girl a naked Barbie
doll with a coupon in the box that said I’d buy her
(and Barbie) some clothes, as long as I got to help
pick them out. That went over BIG with her.
Another possibility for a good “relationship” gift is
something that links you two together. No, not
handcuffs, or matching T-shirts. I’m talking about
something that will keep reminding her of you when
you’re not around, such as a nice pair of wine glasses
from your trip to visit some vineyards, or make her a
CD with a bunch of your favorite songs. Get her a gift that
does double-duty.
4) What signs should a man look out for to know what
present to give? How to interpret her signals.
A man should show some insight and intelligence in his
choice for a gift. He should look at the woman’s
interests and get her something that stands out. If
she’s into adventure sports, get her a day pass at a
rock climbing gym. If she likes music, get her a
ticket to a concert. Take a few minutes to think it
through and you’ll come up with dozens of good ideas.
The idea here is to be IRREGULAR with the timing, and
understand the need for some variation in the way you
gift. It’s less about the “what” than it is about the “when”
and “how.” Small gifts every so often are much more
effective than the large ones. Save the large gifts
for the big events.
He should also watch out for signals that indicate the
woman is a little TOO into getting gifts. If she drops
any overt hints about wanting material
gratification, he should run to the nearest exit.
5) Is there a time when you really shouldn’t give a
gift?
Don’t give gifts solely to smooth over an error on
your part, such as insulting her and expecting to get
in her good graces again just by sending her candy.
You have to show her some genuine remorse with the
gift so that it doesn’t come across as just an
empty gesture.
Be wary of being the only one in the relationship
buying gifts. She should buy things for you
occasionally, too – IF she’s really into you. Demonstrate
that you can provide, but let her demonstrate she can
nurture you back.
Another time you shouldn’t buy her a gift is to prompt
her for sexual favors in return. It sets up a bad
precedent for you, and it cheapens her.
The best rule for gifts is that they should always be
given with NO expectation of return. Give just for the
pleasure of giving and you’ll rarely go wrong.
Remember that when you’ve got your self-confidence
established, you don’t have to worry as much about
when and how to give gifts, because there won’t be any
subtext of neediness on your part.
That just means that when you have the right Alpha
Male vibe to you, a woman is not going to misinterpret
the meaning of your gift. She’ll understand that it’s
something she should cherish and not take for granted.
On the other hand, if you’re giving to GET, you’re going
to have problems. Women will not want to be with you
because you’re setting up an agenda, and that’s
the most unattractive thing a woman can sense from you.
If you’d like to find out more about becoming an Alpha
Man, I urge you to take a look at the Secrets of the Alpha Man
Program.
You’ll learn how to attract women the right way, with your
confidence and posture, not with your insecurities.
Dating Tips For Guys
Jan 17th
Carlos – you’re a Top Man for finding your true life’s vocation. And what an admirable one it is.
Ok, here goes – I want to talk about emotions, particularly anger, and root it in the previous line I took (above), namely how to control time. I’ve listened to Carlos’ audio sessions talking about anger, and it’s completely right. I also noticed that you’ve quoted “The 48 Laws of Power” as one of your sources, and the key point made right throughout that book is how vital it is that we control our emotions.
This last month, firstly, I’ve had success on the women front with some more lined up. Not a bad session (Wink) However, more poignantly, I’ve been exhausted almost to the point of a crash. There’s a lot of stuff going on right throughout my personal life, family issues and people that needed dealing with. And it’s fair to say that I’ve let rip at a few of them who’ve had it coming for a long time.
There’s also my divorce of last year that still niggles away. There’s my film script that I’ve spent five solid years writing, which is about 95% ready, requiring some more work which I have to find the energy for, probably taking me up to Christmas. And then, of course, there’s the day job in sales, which is going through its seasonal downs. All in all, a lot I’ve had to manage – and I think I deserve a medal!
Coming back to the ‘letting rip at people’ point. Now I don’t regret any of it. Like I said, they really did have it coming, and I’m happy to play judge, jury and executioner here.
But, again, this last month I’ve been execeptionally exhausted. I put it down to several things: i) the energy expended letting rip; ii) the loss of emotional control, to a certain extent; iii) the amount of energy needed generally to maintain my all-round goals; iv) and your Alpha Man program.
Now I’m not blaming you. What I’m saying on this last point, and a point you state quite early in your literature, is how close many of us have been all these years to getting things right, but that some important pieces of our game were either missing or just not executed properly. That realisation is a tough one, though an honest one. I thank you for it, even though it’s taken a lot from me to get to this understanding.
So my particular questions are: Can you give any further insights to this? How, in your opinion, does controlling the emotions help you slow down and gain time?
And how do I rebuild my energy levels, only from now on controlling myself so as to maintain a consistent level of energy and application to all that I do?
Thanks.
______________________
CARLOS:
I think the important distinction here is that it all starts with an AWARENESS of your emotions first. Then you can start to take more conscious CONTROL.
But control does not mean suppressing. It means steering and guiding, the way you control a car in motion.
Emotion (ironically, most of the word is “motion”) is something that is, by its nature, moving. You can’t stop an emotion, only tie a kite string to it and guide it as best you can.
What I did initially was contain my emotional states so that I could get a better grip on my experience and feel like I had a “ground state” that I could base my understanding on.
But that ended up numbing me.
So I let go of that illusory ‘control’ and decided that it’s more about learning to steer the vehicle where I wanted it to go.
A plane is off course 90% of the flight. It’s only through minor readjustments that we are able to get from point A to point B.
You never hear the pilot get on the intercom and say, “Folks, I know you were all hoping to land in Miami today, but due to the fickle winds, we’ll be going to Wheeling, West Virginia instead. Hope that’s not too much of a bother.”
Question & Answer with Carlos
Jan 15th
QUESTION:
Hiya Carlos, this is Alek from the Belgrade seminar.
Personally I used to have little success, then got some success, then got misogynistic, then had a big period of pausing and depression.
Now having recovered from that depression period. I am back on the fast curve, and so is my friend. Now, the more women we’re meeting, getting numbers from, the more misogynistic we’re getting.
All those ideas of “WOMEN are such c*nts!”, “Why can’t they appreciate more of what we do” “It’s so fucking EASY for them … ” “all they do is show up, and get whatever they want, and we have to do all this work”.
We even get images of verbally and EVEN physically putting down women. All they do is complain about how men don’t get it, and mock men for being “clods”. All I want is some “RESPECT”. It’s ok to not want what we men are offering, but at least be respectful about the role we men are playing.
Got any tips? 
______________________
CARLOS XUMA’S ADVICE:
I think Billy Joel said it best:
“Then she’ll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you’re bleedin’
But she’ll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she’s always a woman to me…”
Blame it all on yourself, because she’s just being her nature. You must be better than your nature AND hers by acting based on principle and honor rather than emotional reaction, or a desire for results.
You see, right now, you’re placing the blame on someone else’s behavior. You’re presuming that it’s their fault for being who they are. Women in every culture will take advantage of the benefits that suit them, and you should be taking advantage of the benefits that suit the men.
Sometimes the burden of self-awareness is a lot to bear…
But what is the alternative?
Give up?
Stay angry at something you can’t change?
Do we get mad because “it always gets me wet when it f*cking rains!”
Oh. Poor you. Go buy an umbrella.
“But the weather won’t appreciate that I’ve bought the umbrella! I want to be respected for spending the money to use that umbrella!”
Do you see how nutty this sounds? So why should we expect this from someone who has no idea what it’s like from our side? A woman can be as oblivious to your efforts as the weather is to you.
Let’s get back to the reality here. It’s NOT so easy for women in most all other areas. You may think that having men that they can have support them is a great break, but really it just obligates them to men rather than allowing them to lead.
YOU get to lead! You get to choose your path in life! You get to take on the world and chase your passion and purpose!
That beats the crap out of waiting for guys to approach you in a crowded and smokey club, right?
When you get angry and lash out, it’s just showing poor emotional control. You need to get back to understanding your own personal power and strengths. You’re in a pit of desperate desire for affirmation outside yourself. That’s why you can’t be happy. You’ve given control of your happiness over to someone else to either affirm or destroy.
How crazy is that?
Q & A with Carlos: Approaching Women
Jan 14th
QUESTION: Approaching Women … DAD??!
Hey Carlos,
Thanks again mate for your advice its helped me out heaps I have no
trouble getting numbers or dates anymore and its all thanks to your
E-books.
Although I would like to ask 1 thing, I was talking to my dad and
although he is happily married to my mum he still enjoys flirting
at parties, etc., with younger women just to see how they react.
Now my dad uses a very different approach so to speak. He is much
more direct and yet gets great response to it. He is never not
offered sex or some kind of other sexual favour (for want of a
better word).
His approach is he immediately introduces himself then brings up
anal sex (weird but it works) it throws the girls of completely but
then he makes [it] out as a joke and presto he has them talking
about sex within seconds of the conversation beginning.
I was wondering if this approach is worth trying or does it only
work for some people or is it just my dad? Id like to experiment
with a few other approaches other then the one I’ve been using just
to see how they go. When and where would this approach be any good?
Steve
______________________
CARLOS XUMA’S ADVICE:
Ah, your dad is most certainly an Alpha Man who understands that he
needs to keep his own masculinity warmed up to be interesting to
your mom, and it’s likely that she understands this too and the big
reason she’s still attracted to him.
The key to what he’s doing is in his tone and method of delivery.
He is completely congruent with his attitude, and deep underneath
he knows that he’s also not really going to do anything with the
women, so he comes across as completely SAFE to the women.
So you could try his approach, but you might not have the same
success because you don’t understand WHERE that attitude comes from
that he uses to feel safe to the ladies.
This “safety” factor is a big deal when it comes to women. It’s something I’m explaining in an upcoming Advanced Coaching program, and it’s essential to understand for your ability to approach women.
You can easily think of your own approaches and experiment. What you need to do is understand that you must be completely congruent and attached to the approach you use. If you are not, you’ll give it away with your body language and tonality, and women will not respond favorably. This is something I coach men about with my REAL Game programs.
If you’d really like to learn how to approach more effectively and create your own openers for any situation, refer to my Approach Women Now program.
Every approach is worth trying once, but you won’t really make it effective until you work it in and practice it. Do what works for you and your personality. Don’t try to use other people’s material (something that a lot of guys do and then wonder why it doesn’t work), since you’ll just come across as phony.
The important thing is that you APPROACH – period.
Q & A with Carlos: Dating Advice for Men
Jan 14th
QUESTION:
I’ve been listening to the Alpha Conversation & Persuasion CD’s and
trying to do what I hear, and I’ve gotten a good hang of it- I
mean, I can see and experience the changes already with the girls
and with everyone in general…
Well, I’ve developed a pipeline of girls to work on and its going
well, I’m talking to them, getting them interested and leaving
while the interest is high …
… She was asking me if I needed anything from Starbucks- though I
think that is only part of her ploy to reel me in because we ran
into each other at Starbucks a week ago and had our first bonding
chat.
Anyway- I got the feeling that she wanted to talk to me tonight,
but then something happened when she started talking to someone in
front of me, another girl, about some guy that was calling her for
a date- and it all of a sudden became girl talk- with no adherence
to me being there.
So, I finally broke in and said I couldn’t stop eavesdropping about
it all, but couldn’t hear all that well and if they’d repeat it for
me- in jest. They briefly acknowledged me but then got back to [their
conversation.] So, I excuse myself and let them have their ‘girl
talk’.
I then got changed and left work- but as I was leaving I was
thinking why I didn’t turn back around and talk to her like I think
I wanted to.
I was wrong somewhere- if so, where?
______________________
CARLOS XUMA’S ADVICE:
Yeah, this is a common situation with guys that rapidly spirals out
of control. One minute you’re in an exciting and interesting
conversation with a woman, the next minute she’s talking to someone
else and you’re frozen out.
The key to keeping some women’s interest is to keep the
conversation amped up to the level where she won’t be distracted…
Some people are just plain rude. They get all caught up in
themselves and their conversation, and they fail to bring others
back into the conversation.
There are a couple of techniques for dealing with this. One is to
simply call them on it, like this…
You say: “That’s rude.”
They say “What?”
“Cutting someone out of your conversation like that. Just when we were having fun!”
OR:
“Hey, before you guys get going, let me tell you about this crazy thing that happened to me …”
Deliver it with a little humorous or fun edge so they don’t think you’re trying to be a dick. You have to be socially aware here so that you don’t constantly push your way into a conversation where they are deliberately trying to keep you out.
I had this come up for me at an event on Wednesday night. I walked over and just sat down to talk with a couple women that were talking. One of them was being a little bitchy and distant, playing ego games, and she was doing her best to push me out. The other gal was sweet and nice, and wasn’t pushing me out. Even though they weren’t including me, I sat there in their conversation, sipping my water, TOTALLY CONFIDENT in who I was and that I was justified being there.
Now this is something they weren’t used to, because after a while, they started to pull me back in. You see, I wasn’t nervous or giving off a vibe of the clueless guy. I was comfortable in my own space and my own silence. (If you want to learn this skill, read on and I’ll tell you more about how.)
If the women that you’re trying to talk to get indignant, hey, you just successfully screened out a gal that would have mistreated you and given you hell down the road. Congratulations!
Q & A with Carlos: How do you get a woman to talk about personal things?
Jan 14th
QUESTION:
Hey Carlos…
How do I get a woman to talk about personal things? There’s this girl I’ve been talking to about a year. We’ve only hung out a couple of times though. Today she called me and we were talking for like 40 minutes. I then asked “Can I ask you something personal?” She said no. I told her what’s the point in being friends if we can’t share personal information. She said “So you don’t wanna be my friend anymore?” I paused for a minute then told her to call me back.
And every time I ask her to come over she says why don’t I come over there. She also said that she doesn’t even share personal information with her mother. I think I messed up with this chick a long time ago. After all she stole something from me and denied it, plus she has a boyfriend who she really doesn’t want to be with. Any advice?
______________________
CARLOS XUMA’S ADVICE:
First of all, when you think that you messed it up, you probably did.
Don’t even bother asking me how to “get her back again.” I’ve already provided THE definitive answer on this topic. (It’s in my archives, go and search ‘em.) You’re chasing your own failure’s tail, and you’re making your state worse and worse the longer you believe you can redeem yourself.
By the way, you failed her test.
Which test?
When she asked you that question about not wanting to be her friend, you should have said, “My friends are open, vulnerable, and trusting. I don’t feel that from you.” Then you hang up and wait for her to call you back. If she doesn’t, nothing lost.
Alpha Men don’t NEED women. They exist on their own continuum of honor and integrity. And STANDARDS.
Speaking of which, you should be smacking yourself in the head right now. She stole something from you? This is the character of woman you want in your life? A thief?
Come on, man, have some freakin’ standards! You associate with low-quality trash like this and guess what effect it will have on your life?
The single most important decision in your life will be the woman you choose to ally yourself with.
- Choose well and you will live long and prosper.
- Choose poorly and your life will spiral the drain, and you will wish for a quick death.
I’m not f***ing kidding, my friend.
You’re in a reactive state with this woman. This is where you’re trying to GET her to GIVE to you. You can’t do this in any area of relationships. When you do things to GET… (gimme gimme gimme, get get get) your motivations are flawed and you sabotage the machine.
If you do things based on principle and rightness of action, you will succeed far more, and live a higher quality of life overall.
So instead of trying to get a woman to tell you personal things…
FIRST, ask yourself why you need to know. I believe it’s probably because you want what she won’t give you, not because you really care. You’re challenged by her distance and aloofness.
SECOND, ask yourself why a woman would NOT want to tell you personal facts on her own.
In those two thought exercises you will find the seeds of your answers. You see, she didn’t tell you because she did not TRUST you, and THAT is the your real problem.
And it sounds like she’s got trust issues in general if she won’t talk to you after a year, or talk to her own mother. (Two words: Damaged Goods.)
Now if you’re in the mood to quit this reactive game of “can I get her to be my puppet and do my bidding,” I suggest you find out how to get REAL game with women.
Q & A with Carlos: Dating Advice for Men
Jan 14th
QUESTION:
Carlos!
Thanks so much for your advice [The Dating Black Book]! I feel myself changing and molding into a better self. I bring confidence to the table not only at dates, bars, parties, but also at work. People see that I mean business and that I’m on my own path to personal greatness. I’m coming into a promotion very soon and also getting random job offers! People see the passion!
Do you have any hints on what I should put up as an away message on my AIM? I go out quite a bit and I do know women that I know personally that check my away message. Usually I put “OutÉ” or “A night out on the town 
” (with one of those winks @ the end)
Also, I live in an apartment complex and was wondering if it’s a good idea to start dating a neighbor?
Thanks so much!
______________________
CARLOS XUMA’S ADVICE:
That’s what I’m talking about!
PASSION!
That’s the fuel for an Alpha Man’s life. If you just embrace these concepts, you’ll create a lifestyle that other men will envy.
Now, first of all, don’t date neighbors. Women don’t go for it. Too weird. Think this situation through for a minute and you’ll realize why. Can you imagine wondering if she’s watching you go out with friends? Watching for your car to appear? Peeking in your windows?
It’s like a shake-and-bake stalking situation, just add romance. I wouldn’t bother because very few women will indulge this one; they know that it’s scarcity thinking to think that you can date your neighbor. It’s just creepy.
Your question about the AIM “away” message is interesting. You see, I’ve never thought of these things in terms of what will get a certain response, but only in the message I want to communicate to women. I want them to know that…
A) I’m moving forward in life. I’ve got goals and PURPOSE.
B) I don’t NEED women. I want them, but I don’t need them.
C) I’m one FUN motherf***** to be with.
By operating on the basis of acting on principle rather than results, I stop chasing the carrot. I don’t alter my path to get something. I know that even if I don’t get what I would have liked from the interaction, I will learn, I will be sticking to my beliefs and values, and I will not be sacrificing integrity.
But you don’t want a lecture on my philosophy, you just want to know what to say, right?
Here’s what *I* would use for my “Away” message:
“Gone out to find adventure in the REAL world… Back when I need a rest…”
“Life’s an adventure… what are you doing in front of your computer?”
“I’m out having fun … why aren’t you with me?”
“Sorry, too busy to haunt my computer and geek out… Come out and play!”
Do I say this to GET a certain reaction? No. This is how I REALLY feel.
People talk about “natural” game a lot, and that’s the essence of what I teach, but I also add in so much more. This is REAL Game, the ability to be real with a woman, AND attract her.
If you want to learn more about this concept, I suggest you learn about REAL GAME …
The reality is that True success with women requires a firm sense of direction in life, and self-confidence.
But you hear that all the time, don’t you?
“Just be confident.”
You’ll hear that nugget of advice from a lot of guys out there, but the difference is that they’ll say “be confident,” and not give you ONE single method of actually improving your confidence.
That’s where I will help you.
I spent years trying out various self-help programs, studying my own inner psychology (and inner wuss, too.) I figured out which things make a difference and …
…I will genuinely help you improve your inner game with women.
When a woman senses that you’ve got passions and direction in your life – even if that passion is to improve to be more attractive to women – then they’ll want to come along for the ride.
I saw it over and over again as I went down this road.
Now, I also mapped this development, and I want you to benefit from my experience. There’s no reason you should have to take as long as I did to make these changes to your own life.
Carlos Xuma’s Dating Advice for Men
Jan 14th
Well, sports fans, I’m here in Belgrade, Serbia, doing a bootcamp and creating Alpha Men here in Eastern Europe, and I’m about to tell you something fascinating…
Guys here have almost NO game.
They just don’t approach women here. Can you believe it?
I went out with my newest instructor ( I’m keeping him a secret for a bit, but you’re about to meet him very soon) to do some approaches on the street. He’s a master of approach, and his day game is excellent. I coached him today, and I’m scared of what he’s going to accomplish in the next few weeks.
Yes, we walked up to women ON THE STREET and started talking to them and getting their phone numbers.
And it is EASY.
Is it because Belgrade is easy? The women are different?
Well, yes and no.
They are only different in our minds. They are just women, like everywhere else.
Right now, I’m sitting next to a couple where the guy is trying VERY hard to make a girl like him.
He’s sitting right next to her, not across from her. (BIG MISTAKE #1)
He’s leaning in close every five seconds ( I’m not exaggerating) and doing goofy shit for laughs. (Normally, funny is good, but this is dorky. BIG MISTAKE #2)
He’s not reading her body language and facial expressions correctly. (BIG MISTAKE #3)
He’s forcing interaction and eye contact is almost constant – like a needy puppy. (BIG MISTAKE #4.)
Do I really need to go on?
Everything this guy does says TRYHARD – TRYHARD – TRYHARD…
Unfortunately he wasn’t in our bootcamp this weekend. That’s too bad. As a result, there is a ton of stuff he’s going to cook into his game that will make it HARDER and HARDER to fix later on.
I could fix his body language in a minute that would INSTANTLY make him more attractive to her. I could almost guaran-freakin-tee that she gives him the kiss of a lifetime. TONIGHT!
This opportunity is only six feet from him, and he doesn’t even realize it. I’ll just sit here and keep eating my Bibioteka chips and beef. (Oh, they are SO good…)
In fact, the opportunity is right in front of YOU right now, too.
I cover all the critical lifeskills of an Alpha Man, and I can pass them on to you, if you’re interested.
Doesn’t that sound cRaZy? “Hey, are you interested in the information that will make you a more confident and successful man?” Sounds like some hyped up sales pitch, but it’s not.
They are secrets that ANY man can learn.
But not every man WILL.
He’ll probably let his ego get in the way, trying to be cool, trying to avoid the discomfort that comes when you realize you have some changes you need to make.
But I sure would hate it if you didn’t get this chance.
Keep reading and I’ll tell you more about how to get it after the questions.
(Or, if you’re in a hurry, just go here…)
On with the questions!
Q & A with Carlos: Is She Really That Special?
Jan 14th
Carlos Xuma’s Dating Advice for Men
QUESTION: Is she really THAT special…?
Carlos,
First off, Happy New Year!
I had a great party at my house last night that my parents let me throw and it was a blast. Since restarting the Alpha Man Program, I feel so much better. My good friend’s cousin was here last night and she was really hot.
We hit it off well, but what really turned me on to her was her personality. This may be the first time I actually mean it when I say it too. She was so noble and modest, almost a different breed. Way more mature than any girl her age (20). I told her out of instinct I thought her passions were sexy and went in for the kiss. She told me I was cute and bold (thanks to the AMP).
Anyway, we scheduled a day two this week, but a couple things.
1. I admit to a slight jealousy when she was flirting with another friend, but did my best to do my own thing when it happened. How can I get back on a woman’s radar when this happens?
2. I leave for school in two weeks and most likely won’t see her again. But, where can I meet more women like her? The girls at bars I meet are so immature. This one doesn’t like getting “Fucked up” or smoke weed or any of that stuff.
Thanks,
P
______________________
CARLOS ANSWERS:
Yes, you’ll meet a lot of women out there. But the biggest mistake you can make is to get fixated on any one woman as being too special or “different.” And especially if she really IS special or different!
It’s important to not get too carried away with the feeling that a woman is TOO special. The reason is that you’ll start to lose focus and make some pretty dumb mistakes.
First of all, there’s a saying: “You are unique and special… just like everyone else.”
And this goes for her, too !
The Big Mistake happens when a guy makes the decision that one woman is somehow “different” and needs to be treated differently.
In the end, what happens? He simply overcompensates by fixating on her, obsessing, and then ruining it.
Almost EVERY time.
The girl I’m currently seeing is special to me, and the way I got her was to give her just as much space and time as I did with all the other women in my life. I treated her NO DIFFERENTLY than any of the other women.
And now that we’re into each other, I can NOW treat her more special than the other women that weren’t lucky enough to get me. You gotta be patient and relaxed at the start.
So in answer to your questions:
1) Slight jealousy happens when you don’t have options. Scaring off a woman happens when you “TRY” to get back on her radar.
Instead, do your Alpha Man role well. Show her the things I teach you in the Secrets of the Alpha Man program. When you’ve done that well, you get her number, stand out in her mind, and re-connect later.
IF you haven’t already found that the other women in your life haven’t monopolized your time. Hey, if you spread the Alpha Love, it will happen to you. I have options options options.
And so should you.
2) More women like her are probably NOT going to be at the bars. But you know what? You don’t go to the bars to meet the special ones, though they MIGHT be there.
You go there to get the practical experience that allows you to feel comfortable approaching ANY woman, so that when the special one comes along, you won’t mess it up.
And if you want to make sure you don’t mess it up, review your Secrets of the Alpha Man strategies daily.
It’s the path to strong inner AND outer game.
Q & A with Carlos: Dating Advice for Men
Jan 14th
QUESTION: How do you interpret a woman’s illogical behavior…?
Hey Carlos… How are you my friend?
I’ve got a question for you.
Why would a 22 year old chick make a Myspace page and put up a bunch of hot half naked pics of herself and put in her profile she is single and only looking for friends…?
I just don’t get it. What’s the point?
______________________
CARLOS ANSWERS:
Yes, it is a little strange that a woman would present this kind of mixed message.
But haven’t you ever been with a woman who was wearing a blouse that shows off her cleavage, and then she gets disgusted when a guy stares at her boobs?
Hmmm….
There are a couple reasons for this mixed message for you guys that might not be familiar with this:
REASON 1) This is a covert link to some kind of porn scam.
Porn is in every corner of the Internet. It’s hiding in every little crack and crevice. Watch out for it and avoid it. This chick is probably luring guys into some kind of webcam porn thing.
2) She’s a typical woman in that she says one thing with her mouth, and another with her actions.
TRUST ONLY HER ACTIONS!
If you’ve read my Dating Black Book, you’ll know the foundations of attraction with women.
One of the important psychological rules is that women are not LOGICAL!
Not even men are as logical as they’d like to think. We all are run by our EMOTIONS.
So the first mistake is to do anything but watch her actions. That will tell you all you need to know about her intent and what she’s really thinking.
3) She’s a little neurotic.
Some women have been programmed by society (and in conflict with the sexual image that they are not comfortable with due to poor development) such that they will display themselves sexually on the outside with the hope of just luring in attention that will make them feel better about what’s inside.
They tend toward very low self-esteem.
Now my feeling is that you’re making the mistake that a lot of guys make which is that of thinking that what you see on the surface is the whole story. It isn’t.
In fact, it’s only a TINY fraction of the real deal.
The mixed message you’re trying to interpret is the one that most guys are confused by when a woman dresses all sexy and says yes to a date, and then when he gets to the end of the evening she just pecks him on the cheek, tells him she had a “wonderful” time, and she thinks that you should just be friends.
AHHHHHGGGH!
That feeling sucks.
A 22 year old girl is probably not completely aware of what she wants, and is doing her best to juggle media programming, Hollywood and TV programming, and the social programming of her friends.
You can see that she’s inherited a lot of programming.
Don’t buy into the image.
Instead, understand the reality.
You can start to learn about it here, in my e-book. You can download the Dating Black Book HERE…
Incremental Effort – Promoting “Dating Advice for Men”
Jan 14th
As an Internet “Info-preneur” one thing I’ve noticed is the dearth of internet marketing information that is not about marketing your internet marketing product. This seemed a tad incestuous to me, so over the years I’ve had to develop a keen radar for the information that would help me grow my business in my little product niche (Dating Advice for Men) versus yet another ebook on the power of Adwords.
I’ve been very successful, and I want to share some of my lessons learned with you so you can grow your own business with the right work ethic.
So I’m sure you did a little double take on the title.
Yes, I provide dating advice for men. (Yeah, I get a lot of raised eyebrows on that one. “What’s a MAN doing giving dating advice?”)
Specifically, I coach men on how to approach women, how to talk to women, and how to attract women with their authentic personalities. I’m keenly aware that the dating advice I talk about may be misunderstood as “game playing” and “seduction” tricks by some, but I have always made the dating advice that I publish as real and powerful as I could for men.
Let’s face it: political correctness doesn’t win me popularity. Solid men’s dating advice DOES. So I take chances.
But one thing that has been essential to my success is that this subject is a passion of mine for over 5 years (really more like my whole post-pubescent life), and over the course of that time, I’ve developed some strong presence on the Internet. Hence, the title of this article, and what I want to talk to you about now.
The power of incremental effort is simply this: I have not been particularly brilliant about my marketing efforts, nor very aggressive, but small steps taken consistently over a period of time has allowed me to establish a solid foothold of traffic in the niche of dating advice for men, and built my business to over $300,000 in revenue each year.
Please note: I say this without a bit of bragging. Sometimes I look at the numbers and shake my head. Who would have thought that giving dating advice for men could be so lucrative?
Well, honestly, *I* did. I always knew there was a need for this kind of social training for guys (since that’s really what this field really amounts to for most guys – social skill development.) And when men are looking for dating advice, they want to know lots of things. Among them: “Will it work for me?” And: “Is this someone who has credibility in this field?”
Again, have been giving dating advice for men for over 5 years now, and built up a following, posting links for my articles in the “Dating Advice for Men” categories, reciprocal linking, affiliate programs, and cultivating mentors and peers in this subject has only enhanced my reputation and reach.
I’ve had my ups and downs, too. I was knocked off Google once about 2 years ago for some infraction that I’ll probably never know. I still remember the white-knuckle fear I had as I searched for my URL and felt the sinking sensation in my stomach as I got “Your search – www.datingdynamics.com – did not match any documents.” Blind panic gripped me as I searched on “Dating Advice for Men” – a keyword phrase that had been my bread and butter for years – only to see it vaporize faster than a reciprocal link with a gambling site.
I sincerely hope you never have to feel the intense scare I did. It wasn’t pretty to see someone work 20 hour days to recapture his lost ground, biting his nails and searching on “dating advice for men” every time he opened a browser. It got to be pretty neurotic.
I wouldn’t have had cause to write this particular article if I hadn’t started working with a mentor, and cringed in pain when he observed how poor some of my keyword optimization has been and said, “You’ve been pretty lucky to get this far, haven’t you?”
Hmm.
Was it luck? I didn’t think so.
Then I realized something: Tenacity has its benefits.
It’s been my relentless, never-ending efforts to get my particular flavor of dating advice for men out there in the mainstream, that has gotten me to this point. As well as a little bit of the zealot in me, too, I suppose. It helps to have a passion (read: fanaticism) for your topic.
So whatever your success has been, remember that consistent forward progress, relentless action toward the right goals will eventually get you far, just like the tortoise in the famous race against the hare.
When it comes right down to it, though, work smart as well as hard. Get the advice you need to do the work up front that makes it easier to succeed over the long haul. (This is the essence of my dating advice philosophy as well.) My path was perseverance with less planning than I probably should have done.
But you know what … even that was enough. It worked.
Every day, another step toward the goal, in any way you can. Don’t let a day go by that you don’t do SOMETHING to promote your site somehow.
And when you’re looking for dating advice for men – or a friend you know that could use a little dating advice – oh, yes, we ALL do – send him over to Carlos Xuma’s site, won’t you?
- Carlos Xuma
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Carlos Xuma is a recognized authority on the subject of Dating Advice for Men. His web site, http://www.datingdynamics.com, provides a wealth of informative articles and resources on everything you’ll ever need to know about Men’s Dating Advice.”
One Woman Man
Jan 14th
This topic is actually a very important area to consider during the dating process. Most men are obsessive when they find a target of interest to focus their romantic energies on. Once they’ve found a woman who they like, and who (*probably*) likes them, they think:
– I should stop looking and talking and getting phone numbers. This is the ONE!
– If she thought I was seeing other women, I’d lose my shot. I better go exclusive right away!
– Or the worst: If I see other women, I’m CHEATING on her.
Let’s review these rationalizations and correct them one at a time:
– I should stop looking and talking and getting phone numbers. This is the ONE!
It’s easy to view the gal you’re currently seeing as an escape from what is thought of as the ‘horrible world of dating.’ Every man dives in the dating pool hoping to jump back out as soon as humanly possible. The fallacy here is that many men convince themselves (at the start) that we are only out there to suffer short-term pain and not deal with it again. The reality is that keeping yourself in circulation will always help your attitude, and the ugly truth is that you need to have a cushion of reserves to protect your heart in case your current beau goes nutty and dumps you. It’s mercenary, but if you don’t look out for you, who else will? Besides, it’s even easier to get positive results (i.e., phone numbers, dates) when you don’t care about the outcome. It’s a very Zen concept that is most applicable to the dating world.
– If she thought I was seeing other women, I’d lose my shot. I better go exclusive right away!
Okay, here we’re assuming that ‘she’ is a gal you’re seeing but not yet in a committed relationship with. The problem with this response is that it is totally inaccurate. A woman wants a challenge, not your availability. Sometimes the source of this thinking is mired in the reverse: we don’t want the woman we’re dating to see other guys, so we figure that we can establish security through monogamy.
– If I see other women, I’m CHEATING on her.
No, no, no, no. Cheating is when you are breaking a vow of marriage or a pledge of monogamy to the woman you are with. If you have decided to be exclusive with a woman, you have transcended the needs of this article and have found someone that you believe is a worthwhile long-term partner. What I’m referring to here is when you are only dating casually, and none of the women have really stepped up, raised their hand, and said they want to be a meaningful part of your life. (And if you demonstrate the right amount of confidence and independence, that’s exactly what she should do — sell herself to YOU.) You are under no obligation to be monogamous until you have found a woman you intend to be monogamous with. There is no unwritten rule of dating that says you can only date one person at a time.
There are many reasons to not focus your attention on just one woman, but here are a few of the most important:
– By having more than one woman in your life, you will have a great method of comparing and understanding behavior. You’ll see what they do in common versus differently, and with a little careful analysis you’ll learn a great deal more about women. Think of it as a relationship labaratory where you can work on experiments. You have to be able to observe and objectively judge what it is you’re looking for in a woman, and whether or not she has it.
– By having more than one woman in your life, you will be better able to manage your emotions and control yourself in relation to the women in your life. If you have only one woman, you are stuck in scarcity mentality, where you in danger of taking a great deal of sh*t from a woman because you might (mistakenly) believe that you cannot get another, or that you are lucky to have this one. Make one thing clear to yourself: Initially, she must feel lucky to have YOU! Not the other way around. You’ll be better able to call her on her antics, tests, and confusing behavior.
– By having more than one woman in your life, you become a more valuable commodity in their eyes. A woman does not want what can be had easily. (Neither does a man, really.) We want what is valuable, and value is in direct proportion to the UN-availability of that resource. If diamonds were in every creek bed and back yard, we’d use them as aquarium gravel.
– By having more than one woman in your life, you cushion yourself against adversity. If one woman dumps you (and if you’re being funny, confident, and controlling yourself, only a nut-case would) you’ll be able to sleep a lot better at night. None of that late-night drunk guy calls to say: “I hate you, you bitch! But there’s always a chance for us…”
– By having more than one woman in your life, you avoid obsessive thinking. This is perhaps the most important of all the reasons I can cite here. Ever find yourself checking your email every three or four minutes, wondering if her response is there? Ever call home to see if she’s left you a message on your machine? Ever find yourself calling her a couple times a day and leaving messages on her voicemail? These actions are self-defeating in the relationship game. The addition of one (1) additional woman in your dating life can have a dramatically positive affect on your attitude, and that will translate into a relaxed state that every woman you interact with will feel. When you spread your attention around, switching off the scarcity mentality, you convey a confidence by losing all that urgency. There can be interaction with no desperate overtones. When you have more possibilities, you won’t rush romance, which is probably the most common affliction of the modern man.
The relationship world works on the premise of Supply and Demand, just like they drilled into you in your freshman economics classes. Each side has an influence on the equation. Too much supply means lowered demand. Too much demand can make us withdraw the supply, like when she’s clingy and needy. However, lowering the supply is the one thing under your control. Perception is reality. If you are desired by others, they’ll want you, if only to find out what the big deal is.
In essence, this boils down to a man caring too much about what a woman thinks. Someone famous (or at least insightful) once said that the one way to assure mediocrity in your life is to care what other people think about you. I believe this is very true. (It can be taken to sociopathic extremes, but the sad truth is that most people err to the other extreme — letting everyone’s opinion bother them and shape their lives.)
The fact of the matter is that the more you act independent, like you don’t really give a damn about a woman’s opinion of you, you set in motion many different mechanisms. It’s much easier for a man to act independently when he believes he has many options available to him, and those options are severely limited when he dates only one woman.
I can hear the rebellious voices in your heads trying to shoot holes in this already. “What?” you cry, aghast. “I can never be faithful to a woman? I always have to be cheating on her?”
Number One: It is not cheating. Never mislead a woman to think you’re exclusive with her when you’re not. Contrary to the little lies your self-esteem is whispering into your cerebellum, she will not dump you for seeing other women. You’ll be considered a challenge and valued as such. And if she did dump you for dating others, would you really have wanted that kind of frantic, needy relationship? I hope not.
Number Two: Of course you should eventually be with only one woman … but not until she’s passed all your screening and litmus tests and you’re sure this is someone you want to be with exclusively. My own personal rule of thumb is that unless we’re talking about rings in the very near future, I’m still open to finding Miss Right, and letting her into my life.
Remember: No woman is a “Yes!” when you first start dating. She can only be a “Maybe…” Date more “Maybes” and you stand a better shot at finding that “Yes.”
Day In The Life of Carlos
Jan 14th
So I sat down at the computer today. It was a day like any other day where the eerie glow of my computer screens give me a slight boost in complexion.
And I worked my ass off… As I do every day. It’s the way I enjoy life. I just don’t get it when I see these people avoiding work. As a matter of fact, people spend more effort avoiding work than they would if they just put their energy in where it matters.
You want to know what a day in the life of Carlos is like?
Well, this morning I woke up and jumped online. I made sure all the shipments were done of the Alpha programs all you guys ordered for the holidays. Smart! You’ll be starting 2006 off the right way.
Then I did a truck-load of work on the sites and the forums. I posted a topic or two, and I gave some guidance to CJ, my assistant mentor who you see in the “Ask Her” part of the Alpha forum.
Then I handled a bunch of email, and I wrote up some posts for the blog. I did some research on the ‘net. I read some posts and some of my notes, then I sat down and put some crunch work on the presentation for the seminar coming up in March 2006.
Then I made a reservation for the hottest New Years party in San Francisco (field report sure to follow).
I burned a few DVDs, and recorded some audio for the coaching.
Of course I slipped in some coffee, breakfast, a shower, a bunch of phone calls.
And this was all before noon.
Then I went out and did a workout somewhere around 12:30 or 1:00 for about two hours. I had to get my weightlifting and my cardio in there.
After I got back, I snuck in some meals, and then I watched a CSI episode to keep my head from exploding like a watermelon loaded with C4. I took another shower and got dressed.
I then went down to San Francisco to do some site research and setup for some events in the near future. I walked from Civic Center to Union Square (through the most notoriously trashy section called the “tenderloin”) and all the way to North Beach. I went into about 5 bars and spoke to the owners to establish myself and find venues for approaching as well as other events.
As I’m walking, I get a call from a gal I’m supposed to meet on Wednesday, and I finalize those plans.
Then I met up with an E-harmony date with a gal at Enrico’s in North Beach, and sat through over 2 hours of non-stop BLAB.
Yadda yadda yadda.
Jeeezus. What a talker!
I’m sorry, but I really believe that conversations are supposed to be interactive, not one-way streets. Gave me time to enjoy my beers and the Jazz band, but those are small consolations for my ear ache.
And it was a shame because she was really cute. Even by my high standards.
It was all that fcuking TALKING that ruined it for me. But, since
I’m doing some research for the Advanced Audio Coaching, I hung in there. I did it for you …
However, when she dropped me off at the BART station, I realized what I should have done.
I gave her way too much rope. I let her hang herself with her own inability to stop talking.
What I should have done was break in and let her know that I needed to get some air time.
You know why I didn’t? Some little voice in me said that if I just be cool and let her talk herself out, I might stand a chance for a Day 2 and a shot at the goal.
Dumb ass.
What I did was supplicate. I held my tongue so that I wouldn’t make any waves.
Never again.
You know what the funny part is? I got a “check-in” email from her today. That’s when a woman writes to thank me for a good time in the hopes that I’ll respond and ask her out again. She does this in a coy way that doesn’t seem like she’s ‘asking.’ I guess I managed to get her to dig me in between her yak sessions.
(Amazing how NOT wanting a woman just makes her want you more.)
Of course, I realize that there is no such thing as a “should have.” You can’t reverse engineer everything in life. You just have to do the best you can, learn from your mistakes, and do better the next time.
So that leads me to my next point – Why am I filling you up with the mundane details of my life?
It’s because when I get out of bed, I hit the ground running every day. And I feel like I’ve had a good day of life when I lay in bed, write these posts, and squeeze every last drop of life out of my day. I fall asleep fast because I’m actually TIRED.
I really believe that’s how life needs to be lived. Burn your candle hard, so there’s no wax left when there’s no wick.
You only get a small span of time to get as much as you can out of the world around you, and it’s up to each of you to do that.
You only get so many nights free to meet people.
You only get so many good days where you’ll be able to stand without the aid of a walker with those bright green tennis balls on the front to keep you from slipping and breaking your hip.
You only get so many chances to walk up to a woman and say hello. You’ll only get so many moments in your life.
How will you spend them?
Life handed me a lemon earlier this week. The weather in Lake Tahoe has been about as crappy as can be. I spent a few days at my friend’s cabin under the lifts at Squaw Valley, and the lower slopes were as dry as a bone. Normally this is my only time to get away and snowboard like the nut-hatch that I am when I get on the mountain. But the weather was way too warm and no snow.
So I spent the time in seclusion, planning and getting ready for what is sure to be a kickass year. You see, I have no doubts that I’ve got more than my share of great snow days and busy days ahead. I didn’t let it depress me.
In fact, since I got back, I had those two Day 1 meetings with those women, created most of the content for the upcoming seminar, and made reservations for an incredible party on New Year’s Eve here in San Francisco.
I was supposed to go up to Tahoe this weekend, too, and get that snowboarding in. The weather? Still sucks.
I took that lemon and made a lemondrop out of it. (Much tastier than lemonade, by the way.)
So here’s what I want you to do:
Take life by the balls.
Go ahead, don’t be shy. Grab ‘em. Squeeze REAL hard until it calls “uncle!”
Live life to its fullest. Because you only get one trip around on this crazy planet, so you might as well live for now, and for a lifetime.
Because a lifetime is nothing more than a whole bunch of “todays” strung together.
I’d like to help show you how to squeeze the lemondrops out of this life, if you’re interested.
I made up a gameplan for this, and I made it easy for anyone to benefit from.
If you haven’t seen my e-book: The Dating Black Book Go get a copy here: http://www.datingdynamics.com
Session 28 of my Advanced Audio Coaching was just released over the weekend. It’s over 110 minutes of advanced tips and dating strategies.
And I’m extending a special bonus for new subscribers in January 2006. If you subscribe this month, I’ll send you a bonus link to the first 12 of my podcasts! That’s over 360 minutes of extra coaching…
Get it here:
http://www.datingdynamics.com/audioprogsub.htm
Invest in yourself. The most valuable asset you have.
Please don’t wait for another year end to come and go. Every day you waste is one day sooner you could have had the life you wanted.
Happy New Year, everyone…
2005 is over.
2006, you better watch out, ’cause I’m going to squeeze the ‘nads off you, too…
Carlos X
PS: I started my New Year off with a bang… and now I’m going to make every night a New Year’s day. More excitement. More celebration of life. Don’t wait until a holiday comes around to appreciate the fantastic world around you. Don’t wait to celebrate.
You only get one shot at this life. Do it RIGHT.
Get the coaching here:
Conversational Mistakes
Jan 13th
Conversational mistakes you don’t want to make…
>TIP: I observe men in conversation all the time in my bootcamps, seminars, and just observing. Most of the mistakes they make can be easily corrected. But the one thing you MUST learn is how to adapt your conversation to your target.
Jump to this program for learning how you can do this in as little as a week: http://www.alphaconfidence.com/conversation-persuasion/
______________________
It’s interesting. I watch guys in the field all the time, and the mistakes they make in conversation are – on the whole – relatively small.
BUT what a huge difference they make in terms of the conversation flowing with that VIBE that just draws women in.
You see, you can do most things OKAY when it comes to women, but one thing you MUST learn how to do exceptionally well is learn how to talk to women. And I mean, TALK to women – in their language.
Most guys are only capable of talking in terms of facts and logistics…
– “Hey, let’s meet up for drinks at 8:00 at Jillian’s…”
– “The Steelers are down in rushing yards this season…”
– “My stockbroker has a tip on a new tech company. I’m buying options on Monday…”
– “Where did you go to school?”
I actually heard these things said to women, and I saw the glimmer of hope in the woman’s eye that this guy MIGHT be different get snuffed out like a candle.
I’ll bet you even read those words and thought to yourself: “What’s wrong with those? I talk like this all the time.”
Sure. To GUYS.
Ah, my Alpha Brother, you must learn how to talk to women in their NATIVE tongue if you want them to give you mad monkey love.
What language are women speaking?
Women speak in terms of emotions, experience, and sensation.
They don’t care so much about the WHEN, or the WHERE, or the silly facts.
Women care more about the WHAT, the WHY, and the HOW…
They want to understand their emotional experience, while comparing it to others’.
So let’s do a little translation here, so I can get you into the swing of learning how to talk to women the RIGHT way.
- HE SAID: “Hey, let’s meet up for drinks at 8:00 at Jilian’s…” If you want a woman to buy into your schedule, Mr. Palm Pilot, you need to tell her more than the time and the place. You gotta give her a small taste of the experience:
“Hey, have you ever had chicken wings that make your eyes tear up and your nose sting? How about the sensation of having an ice cold Anchor Steam to wash it down? Meet me over at Jillian’s at 8:00 and we’ll make it happen…”
Give her a reason to show up, and she probably WILL.
- HE SAID: “The Steelers are down 318 rushing yards this season…”
Oh, man. YAWN.
(Y.A.W.N. = Yet Another Wussy Nerd.)
Sports statistics are about as interesting to a woman as your last bellybutton cleaning experience, Chodely.
Try this on for size:
“When my favorite team isn’t performing, it just hits home because you get to know these guys, and you think you know what they’re capable of. And they don’t mean to disappoint you, but when you know they are capable of so much more, you just feel let down. You long for that feeling of being on top again, you know? To get that thrilling feeling of winning and achieving all over again.”
Give her experiences she can relate to and you’ll draw her in likea moth to a porch-light.
- HE SAID: “My stockbroker has a tip on a new tech company. I’m buying options on Monday…”
Sounds like the last ten bragging guys I overheard trying to impress a woman. This game is as transparent as glass and just as easily broken.
Let’s be clear here: Women DO NOT trust guys who try too hard. If you really have value, you don’t need to impress or prove yourself. Your value is established.
Have you ever seen a Lamborghini brochure? A Lamborghini commercial on television? How about a billboard with a Gallardo on it?
No. You don’t, and you WON’T.
Why?
Because Lamborghinis sell themselves. Their value is already there.
If you have to be sold on the benefits of a premium sports car with over 500 horsepower and a top speed over 200 miles per hour, you don’t deserve the car.
And Lamborghini KNOWS they have this kind of value. How well do YOU feel that kind of value about yourself? Are you more valuable than a sports car?
You better believe it, my friend.
Talk to women in terms of EMOTION and EXPERIENCE, not try-hard bragging.
Try this instead:
“So I had an opportunity to invest in a company, and I had some concerns initially. I felt a little uncertain about another technology stock. You know what I mean? I think we’ve all been burned by that. My instincts told me to be careful. So I made up my mind to take this one by the horns and do some research on it. I decided to use my head and actually learn about the company. Now I feel good about my decision to make an investment commitment in them. I think that’s really important, don’t you?”
There. You showed you were smart, trusted your instincts, capable of action, and you took care of business. A woman will respect and relate to that.
Oh, and you used the C-word. “Commit.” You show you have standards, and that when they’re met, you’ll do what women don’t think men do.
- HE SAID: “Where did you go to school?”
This is another Y.A.W.N. question. It’s where a guy thinks that just by pulling out the random facts of her past, he will create some kind of “magical” connection.
It looks low-risk, but it’s really just conversational suicide. It says, “I can’t think of anything original and exciting to talk about, so I’ll just regurgitate the same thing the last ten guys asked you.”
And you probably should take note of the fact that those last ten guys are NOT with her right now, so you might consider that a hint.
If it doesn’t work, stop doing it.
DON’T ask a question about her.
Instead, get her to EXPERIENCE something WITH you.
Try this on for size:
“I was talking to my friend about school the other day, and what our craziest experience was. You look like a person with a lot of crazy stuff in your past. Tell me something fun about your history…”
If she tries to act shy and avoids giving up any interesting information, you ask her, “Oh, you’re one of those girls who’s no fun, huh? You never go out and get crazy. I bet you can knit like crazy, though… Oh well. It was going so good for you there for a while.”
Tease her a little and she’ll rise to the challenge. All in the name of FUN … not some game of “social value.” Just show her FUN.
Oh, and when she does start opening up and revealing, you must never judge.
NEVER judge.
And get her to expand and describe her experience as much as you can. Pull out all the sensory details of that experience until her eyes glaze a bit and you can she that she’s experiencing it all over again. When you get this skill (as I teach in my Conversation & Persuasion program) you will out-shine any pickup artists out there.
You will get what most men never achieve with women: TRUE connection.
If you want these skills of masterful communication, I’ve got something you need to see. I spent about 3 months in my studio earlier this year creating a KILLER program on how to learn every bit of conversational strategy that a man can find.
Everything. From how to negotiate to how to talk to women, to how to tell if someone’s telling the truth, to being charismatic and persuasive, to how to respond to women’s tests…
“I just went through your program on conversation & communication, and it blew me away…” – Grant Adams
You need to have a look at this…
Go here now:
http://www.alphaconfidence.com/conversation-persuasion/
I’ll talk to you soon,
Your friend,
Carlos Xuma
PS: If you have seen the program before, I urge you to take another look. If you get it within the next 24 hours, I’ll send you a special bonus e-book – a timeless classic and masterpiece of strategy that can be applied to every area of your life.
Go to this page now:
Be Yourself
Jan 13th
The REAL Truth Behind the “Just Be Yourself” Hype
Have you ever heard the advice “Just be yourself” when it comes to dating and attracting women?
You hear it in many different ways out there, some good, some well-meaning but horribly damaging to your game.
Part of what I teach to men is HOW to be you without being the dorky, unattractive you. That might sound like “be yourself,” but it’s not the same.
The fact is that there are two different “you”s in there.
You #1: Is the awkward, anxious, insecure, poorly presented guy.
You #2: Is the cool, relaxed, confident, polished, Alpha Man.
Now, you can reconcile these, and I’m going to tell you more about this in a minute, but the problem comes when others are telling you to adopt a bunch of personality traits or behaviors that are too incongruent with your SELF-IMAGE.
You see, the big revelation you need to know is that you will only succeed to the level of your current SELF-IMAGE. How you see yourself determines what you’re able to actually accomplish.
As a friend of mine once said, “In a struggle between grit-your-teeth perseverance and your self-image, your self-image will win EVERY time.”
Sure, you can bulldog it for a while, but it becomes exhausting and taxing on your nervous system. The fact is that if it’s not FUN in some way for you, odds are that you will NOT continue to do it. The pain barrier MUST be broken through QUICKLY.
In the short term, you may have to ‘just do it,’ but long-term change requires that you alter your image of yourself to make lasting changes.
So let’s get back to the “Just Be Yourself” fallacy. Here’s the Truth, as I see it:
- You must adopt new habits and new behaviors to your lifestyle to turn the Unattractive You #1 into the Cool You #2.
This is simply a process of becoming more socially aware. It starts with projecting the parts of your personality that are attractive but hidden, as well as snuffing out those parts of your personality that are UNattractive and obvious.
- The new habits and behaviors you adopt cannot be in complete contradiction to your current self-image (or too big a gap) or your mind will reject them, like an organ transplant gone bad.
- On the other hand, if you try to be TOO much like yourself and you don’t get the success you are told you ought to get by being “yourself,” your mind starts to reject YOU as being inadequate. And your self-esteem plummets – FAST.
So where the hell is the middle ground?
It’s all in your head.
Chances are, you’ve done both of these strategies with mixtures of success and failure. You’ve probably been “yourself,” and you’ve probably also used a lot of someone else’s “techniques” to get you into the frame of the “pickup artist.”
The key here is simply making sure that you use the techniques and advice given as a MODEL – an example of behavior that can work effectively – AND - use yourself as the frame on which to build your New You. (Call it “You, Version 2.0″)
Remember this is a MODEL, not an IMPERSONATION. Impersonations are funny and fake. Modeling is intelligent application of a real-world example.
Big difference.
So in order to be yourself and still improve, what has to happen eventually is this:
- You use some of the pickup techniques out there in a way that is congruent to your own personality – while being careful to not dismiss something just because you’ve never tried it before.
- As you use them, you find ways of integrating the beliefs of this model INTO YOURSELF. It’s no longer “fake” or “weird” because you UNDERSTAND application and have integrated the model into your personality. Now it’s becoming REAL.
The reality is that for you to change and improve your skills with women, you must EXPAND your current self.
This is commonly known as “growing.”
There is only growing or dying. There is no such thing as sitting still.
If it was simple and easy and comfortable, everyone would be doing it. But they’re not. So there’s your advantage.
Are you willing to expand your self-perception? Are you ready to grow beyond your current self-limiting beliefs?
Are you ready to be all that you can be?
Then it’s time to get busy.
Learn how to be your BEST self.
- Carlos Xuma
Attractive
Jan 13th
Have you ever gotten so fed up with dating women and dealing with all the crap that you just pull out of the game entirely? You get sick of being blown off all the time, and really sick of never being able to reach them in the first place.
Hey, I’ve been there.
We all reach a point of disgust and anger about all the silly social rules in the dating game and we throw in the towel.
However, this kind of reaction implies a few things. First off, that you’re needing a particular result in order to keep going. Well, that’s perfectly natural. You wouldn’t show up at your job every day if you didn’t get the expected paycheck each week, now would you?
When it comes to dating women and the whole pick-up game, you’ve got to realize that you may have to walk a while in the desert before you find the oasis you’re looking for. Hey, if that’s the worst news someone had given me a while back, I would have said, NO PROBLEM! Bring it on!
Now the good news is that you can shorten the path to your oasis by being smart about how you get women interested in you.
So, in keeping with this, I’m going to tell you about three attitudes that draw women to men.
As you read these, I want you to try something for me. No matter how ‘obvious’ what I might say seems, I want you to re-think your beliefs about them, and see if you are still, perhaps, working under the opposite belief in some way.
If that sounds confusing, just wait and we’ll go into it in more detail.
Let’s start with things that women find alluring. These are my top Three Attitudes that will improve you 100+% in the eyes of the women you approach and date if you’ll work on them.
In fact, if you really get what I’m about to tell you, you’re going to have a problem finding time for all the women that will want to get with you.
I’m not hyping it up here, either, dude. I’m serious. With my Alpha hobbies, helping you guys, and the women in my life, I’m starting to forget to pay bills and keep enough water in my dog’s bowl. BAD Carlos, I know.
So here are the Three Success Attitudes:
ATTRACTIVE Attitude #1 – Guys who like themselves
Yes, even though we’re men, we still have PLENTY of things to like about ourselves. Contrary to the popular media that demonizes us, guys are pretty cool. Having a pecker rocks!
I mean, let’s start with the obvious things about guys that are cool: We invented beer and stock car racing. What more do we have to do, after all? Yeah, I’m sure we invented the remote control, and probably the electric guitar, while we’re at it.
We’re GUYS. We make cool stuff.
But that’s not all. You see, women really pick up on guys who LIKE being guys.
And not just guys who like their gender. Women really like guys who like THEMSELVES. It comes across in the way we treat ourselves and the way we treat others. If you like yourself, you probably aren’t a dick.
It’s an easy deduction, because the ironic thing about confidence and self-esteem is that the men you THINK might have it (i.e., Jerks) actually DON’T have it at all. They’re making up for being horribly insecure dweebs.
Ya dig?
So the more you communicate a self-liking, the more you’re going to cultivate a more interesting and vibrant personality. And that “vibrant” turns into a “vibe” that you’ll get with a woman when she picks up on it.
Just don’t self-like yourself TOO much there, spanky. Keep the hand lotion out of sight.
ATTRACTIVE Attitude #2 – Guys who are fun to be around.
And when I say fun, man, I mean FUN.
Not that you have to juggle and tell great jokes, but you should definitely have a little personality to show that gets people interested.
The easiest way to cultivate this trait is to open yourself up to being more PLAYFUL.
Being playful means having a slightly childish part of you that you can bring out on occasion to have a little fun with women. Tease them a little. Poke them in the ribs. Tell her she’s got cooties.
Another great way to be fun is to go PLACES that are fun. I like meeting women in interesting spots of San Francisco so we can be interactive.
There’s a great place here called the Exploratorium where you get to interact with hundreds of experiments and scientific demonstrations – from magnetism to music to glow-in-the-dark bacteria. It’s a hoot. And there’s a LOT of possibility for physical interaction between you and HER there, too.
Make a list of all the cool places you can go with her. She’ll associate the feelings she experiences WITH YOU. Remember that.
ATTRACTIVE Attitude #3 – Guys who are confident and go after what they want.
This is the one that a lot of guys have a tough time with.
“What is ‘confident’?” they ask.
Confidence is simply your willingness to be who you are with no regrets, guilt, or anxiety.
You don’t care what other people think. You’re validated from within.
See, I can define it for you very simply, but feeling this sensation and demonstrating it is something a little more complicated.
Very few of us really grew up in a way that allowed us to develop a really good sense of self-confidence. In most families, we were subject to constant put-downs and undermining comments from our parents and siblings about our value. We never really got compliments.
As a result, most guys have struggled to feel the kind of self-confidence that allows them to have real success with women.
And if you ask a woman what the most attractive thing about a guy is, it’s his level of confidence.
Now, I do have a great solution to help you with all this. Especially your confidence.
I have been working on a new format and subjects for the Advanced Audio Coaching. I’ve started a regular monthly segment that covers How to Create Lasting Change in your life. This and many other topics on becoming a confident Alpha Man, and avoiding the trap of the Nice Guy.
If you aren’t familiar with the Audio Coaching, you should take a listen right away. You can get it each month, or you can subscribe and get the whole works without missing a single session.
And if you’ve already got the Dating Black Book, or The Secrets of the Alpha Man programs, or any other program, this is the perfect way to reinforce and stay motivated each month.
The best part, though, is that you can start with any session and get right into the best advice available on dating and developing your inner game. All in an easy-to-download MP3 format that you can listen to RIGHT AWAY. No waiting for CDs to ship!
You don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on a “boot-camp.” All his valuable information is available for you to study in the privacy of your own home.
No embarrassment or social pressure to cramp your learning.
http://www.datingdynamics.com/audioprogsub.htm
I urge you to at least have a look at the Audio Coaching program and try out a month. It’s about the cost of what you’d pay for an audio CD, but with MUCH more. Over 110 minutes of professional, digitally recorded audio on topics that you want to hear.
Topics such as:
- Building Self-Confidence
- Handling women and the many situations you’ll encounter on approaches and dates
- How to drive up any woman’s attraction for you
- Verbal Kung-fu – the art of self-defense with your words
- Getting rid of bad habits, and learning how to change
- Exercises, tactics, and games – all explained
- Storytelling, and other arts of conversation
And MUCH more.
Even better, as a subscriber to the program, you get a bonus
session for your first month, and you’ll get a bonus track each
month that NO ONE ELSE gets. Cool, huh?
As always, it’s 100% guaranteed.
So why not take a look? Try it out.
http://www.datingdynamics.com/audioprogsub.htm
I’ll be back again soon with another newsletter…
Until then, Strength and Honor!
- Carlos Xuma
PS: I managed to get a few more re-prints of the AAC Year One CDs. This is a CD with all 12 of the first year of our Advanced Audio
Coaching programs. That’s over 21 hours of audio, with an unbelievable amount of information. You’ll find that at the site, too. Here’s the link: http://www.datingdynamics.com/audioprogsub.htm
Q & A with Carlos: Is Voice Tone Really Important?
Jan 12th
QUESTION:
I have a very important question to ask you, and it relates to voice tone. I know that the correct tone of voice to display is one that indicates that you’re confident.
Now, when being cocky & funny, teasing a women, etc., should you maintain the same voice tone throughout the conversation, regardless of what you are saying?
What I am trying to say is that when you communicate with a woman, should you change your voice tone at certain times when you say different things?
I don’t understand this. What is the correct voice tone to project?
Please help me solve this mystery Carlos.
P. S – Is voice tone really that important? I mean I am not the type of guy that speaks with a weak voice tone whatsoever. I speak with a normal voice tone that I think sounds pretty confident. The reason I say this is because I can’t find much information on this topic. What do you think?
CARLOS ANSWERS:
Tone of voice is VERY important. It’s something that a lot of guys overlook. And, unfortunately, it’s one thing that women can use to read you in a heartbeat. You see, every guy out there tells more about what he’s made of by HOW he says something more than WHAT he says.
Yes, you must definitely vary your tone of voice as much as possible.
One of the worst things guys do with their voice is ….
Nothing.
They simply don’t vary their voice from a monotone, and as a result they sound … well, BORING.
A woman is interpretive, not literal. She knows that people seldom mean what they SAY. She’s learned this from growing up in social interactions instead of football huddles. So almost every woman has about a 20 year head start on most guys in terms of reading between the lines and figuring out the real social dynamics of a situation.
Women grew up having to be indirect with their requests and interactions with other girls (being too direct was frowned upon), so they learned very early how to understand when another girl wasn’t saying what she really thinking.
And that means women have it all over guys in terms of her ability to read tone and hear what a guy is saying UNDERNEATH his words. Guys need to develop this ability, too.
Let’s use an example where you asked a woman to go out on Thursday.
She says: “I’m busy that night.”
Now, if she emphasizes the word “busy,” she’s probably blowing you off and doesn’t want to get together. If she emphasizes the word “that,” she’s telling you that particular night is not available, but you might need to suggest another night. You have to listen for these small subtleties and adjust your strategy accordingly.
Remember that when a woman first meets you, she doesn’t know what is joking and what is not. Only people who have known you a while can figure out when you’re being serious and when you are being sarcastic … or trying to be funny. (This is especially true in emails, so be careful!)
For you, there’s one very simple rule for your voice: Vary your tone enough to sound INTERESTING.
The best exercise for this is to try your voice out on your pet. If you’ve got a cat or a dog, you should try telling them a story in a way that will keep their attention, and by also using hand gestures. If you can keep your pet from walking off in mid-sentence, you’re probably using good variation in your tone of voice.
Another way to improve your tone of voice is to join a local club, like Toastmasters, that will help you with speaking in public, and has the added benefit of improving your self-confidence in the process.
You really need to HEAR the proper delivery to understand it, which is why I cover voice tone in almost every one of my Advanced Audio Coaching sessions. Let’s face it, there’s no way I can adequately demonstrate tone of voice in this column, but you can hear how voice and delivery SHOULD be performed by listening to examples, like old Cary Grant and James Bond movies. Listen to how they use their tone to be funny and even seductive at the same time.
So let me say it once more… Tone of voice is VERY important.
Take the time to cultivate an interesting voice and women won’t be able to resist your charms.
Q & A with Carlos: What You Are Thinking
Jan 12th
I read your Dating Black Book, and it’s been incredibly helpful. However, I came to a part where it says that there is no cure for asking girls out.Ê
You just have to ‘do it’.Ê
Well, the problem is that I don’t have the courage to ‘do it’.Ê
Any suggestions?
——————————-
Well, the slogan “Just do it” is a little simplistic, I’ll agree. But once you understand what is really holding you back, the “just do it” advice is more helpful than you might assume.
Let’s start by establishing right now what it is that stops you from acting on your desire:
WHAT YOU ARE THINKING.
And it’s because of these two reasons:
1) Imagining horrible consequences that DO NOT EXIST
2) Not planning and preparing so that you can feel confident in that situation and act anyway
There is nothing different about a man that walks up to a woman and talks to her than the man that doesn’t – other than what he is THINKING beforehand. There is no special “talk to women” gene, or any gift he has that another cannot develop. Arguing to the contrary is a major cop out that will kill your love life.
Now, for the sake of understanding this, here’s what’s going on in the brain of the guy who CAN’T (or won’t) find the courage to approach a woman:
- Women are scary. They are somehow different, like sacred beings. I have to treat them as if they are better than men.
- My value as a man is at stake here.
- I’m not secure enough in my own value to believe that I have enough to offer a woman. After all, why would she want to talk to ME?
- If she rejects me, I’ll be in incredible pain.
Now here’s what the guy is thinking that DOES approach women and talk to them:
- I’m valuable, and she needs to meet me.
- I’m not scared because there’s NO reason to be. She’s not better than me.
- What’s the worst thing that can happen? She’s not interested? Big deal, there’s more fish in the sea. And if I don’t try to meet her, she will NEVER be interested. I lose both ways if I don’t act.
- There’s no way I can let a gal like that get away without experiencing the joy of having someone like me in her life. She’d never forgive me if she found out I didn’t give her that chance.
You can’t be intimidated by a woman unless you believe that her opinion about you is somehow MORE important or valuable about you than your own.
Remember: Don’t place your validation in HER hands. She isn’t qualified for that job. Only YOU are.
What are YOU thinking when you see a woman you want to talk to?
If you’re taking the time to think about ANYTHING (i.e., you’re not just walking up to her) YOU ARE THINKING TOO MUCH!
Don’t give your mind the chance to talk you out of it. Remember, your inner voice of insecurity is just waiting for you to dwell a little too long so it can talk you out of doing anything and staying “comfortable.”
That is why you act right away. If you don’t already know what you’re going to do when you see a woman you’re interested in, you haven’t prepared enough. And there’s nothing new you’re going to figure out while you’re sitting there spinning on your bar stool trying to work up your courage. (Except maybe how to talk yourself out of going over to her!)
Take a few minutes right now to come up with a few opening topics or questions. Try something like, “Hey, I’m looking for a woman’s opinion on something. My friend is trying to meet his next girlfriend. Where do you think he should go?”
That’s simple, cute, and almost guarantees a short chat with her.
Sit down for a few minutes right now. Let me say that again – RIGHT NOW. Prepare out a couple introductions like that. Memorize them. Then you need never worry about what you’re going to do EVER AGAIN.
Part of the reason you’re “working up courage” is because you’ve got no plan for what you’re going to do. If you did, you could … uh… well, JUST DO IT.
I can promise you this:
She won’t dump her drink in your face.
She won’t slap you.
She won’t tell all her friends about you and laugh hysterically.
In fact, 95 times out of a hundred, she’ll AT LEAST be flattered and impressed that you had the guts to come talk to her.
It’s easy to look at the other guys out there who can just walk up and talk to women with no effort as somehow “gifted.” They seem like they have a mystical ability that the ordinary guy doesn’t.
It’s not magic, or a special power. Believe it or not, they’re still uncomfortable with rejection. All they’re doing is ignoring those discouraging thoughts and taking the risk.
No risk, no reward.
Five (5) Fears – Dating Advice for Men
Jan 12th
One of my good friends in the dating advice for men field called me the other day, and in our conversation he asked me what I thought men and women’s worst fears were in dating. This had me thinking, and I decided that I should put together a list of them, one for each gender.
Here’s my list of the 5 biggest fears for Men and Women in dating:
Men’s biggest fears dating:
1. He will be rejected by her – possibly by missing one of her “rules” of the game
2. He will lose his freedom in his search for connection
3. He will be seen as incompetent or a “failure” (i.e., not a success)
4. He will not satisfy her sexually
5. He won’t know how to handle or manage her emotions
Women’s biggest fears dating:
1. She won’t be physically/sexually attractive to him
2. She won’t be able to create an emotional connection
3. She will not be able to get him to commit to her
4. She will scare him off when she shows her “real” self – (If she becomes needy/clingy/emotional) – i.e., she will lose the emotional connection she creates (him pulling away or becoming distant)
5. He will abandon her (materially and emotionally) for another woman
The more I thought about these fears, the more they made sense. Like it or not, we each have different needs within the context of a relationship, and men will always differ in this regard.
We can continue to wish that we could change this, but the reality is that we can’t, so the most effective thing to do is to learn how to manage and overcome these differences instead of fighting them. If there’s any bit of dating advice that I can put out there for men, it’s that accepting these natural fears is the essential first step.
(Unfortunately, we’re all guilty of spending more time wanting the opposite sex to just “be” more like us rather than learning new skills to breach the divide. i.e., laziness.)
Men’s fears relate mostly to their own ego, competence, and independence. He fears he will be inadequate and trapped.
Women’s fears relate to their feminine identity, need for connection, and emotional needs. She fears she will be unattractive and alone.
Now what we come back to seems to be the age-old cliche of appeasing a man’s ego and overcoming his inability to commit, and on the other side assuaging a woman’s emotional nature and making her feel connected and loved. BUT if we look deeper, there’s more to be learned, and it’s not so much about THEM as it is about US.
Yeah, that means both of you – men and women!
In the process of reacting to an outside stimulus, we have something unique to us. Most often we simply let our emotions go on autopilot and we knee-jerk our response to a situation. Instead we have something that is distinctive to humans. It’s called the “Pause.” It’s the space between stimulus and response that we have ultimate control over.
But we so rarely do.
And I call the process of controlling this moment your Pause Conditioning.
Pause conditioning is simply this: When you encounter a situation that demands some kind of a response (and not all of them do, by the way), then you have a chance to start recognizing these decision moments and controlling them.
When a woman asks you if you’re a player, do you get defensive and abruptly change gears, or do you just keep on being your usual witty and charming self?
When a guy looks you over, is it because he’s being a “dog,” or can you look past the behavior and see he’s appreciating you visually and expressing his attraction?
When a woman doesn’t turn to face you right away, do you interpret this as rejection, or just her need to feel more attraction before she’ll let down her guard?
When a man orders you a drink, do you accept because it seems polite, or do you ask him to wait and talk for a few minutes first so that you don’t feel obligated?
These are situations we all have to handle at some point or another, and the secret to managing the differences between men and women lies in our ability to stop ourselves from acting out of habit and take control of the present moment.
When you’re able to stop the DVD of life’s movie and pause before you respond, you’ll find that your rational mind CAN help you overcome your defenses and fears.
And you’ll find that you learn to appreciate things from both sides of the gender divide a lot more.
- Carlos Xuma
Carlos advises MEN with their dating and attraction at:
and he helps WOMEN Get their Man at:
Welcome To The Alpha Lifestyle…
Dec 16th
Attract Women – Meet Women – And Learn the Art of Attraction…
Register now for exclusive videos, audio, articles, and other content – for members only!
