Carlos Xuma's Dating Tips for Guys

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Approach Women 2 – Real Alpha Daygame is available again….

One of the areas of confusion for a lot of guys is this whole thing about playing it cool versus showing a woman that you're interested in her. After all, we know that showing keen interest in a woman pushes her away…

But if you don't show any interest, how do you ever get things off the ground?

How do we reconcile this?

Isn't this a contradiction…?

Read this question:
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QUESTION:

"We all know that human relationships, especially those between the sexes, are such that people will often naturally be attracted to someone who shows that they aren't needy, are self-content and have their own thing going on, and aren't seeking or desiring anything in the relationship.

On the flip side, people are often naturally repelled from people who show neediness or who seem too interested in having things go well and in the relationship. Hence, when we are interested in someone romantically, we need to both take the actions that can have things get going to where we want them to (approach the woman, for starters) or else nothing will happen, while simultaneously not showing too much interest in her.

To me, this has elements of contradiction and although it's all gradually becoming clearer, how to best think about and deal with this is something I'm still getting up to speed on.

For instance, the very act of approaching a woman shows our interest, but theoretically then, this is supposed to also reduce her own interest in us. It's akin to the uncertainty principle in physics.

Recently I met and went out with an awesome woman and although I think things went well for the most part and I was consciously trying to ride the fine line between showing interest while not being needy, I think it's hard for me still and I think a lot of my problem is that I don't have a good idea of how I should be thinking about this…..

Is this indeed a contradiction, with two opposite forces coming against themselves like male rams in combat, or am I misunderstanding things? If it indeed is a contradiction, what's the most empowering and effective viewpoint to have towards it?"
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Yes.

You've hit on the universal dilemma of modern dating and "pickup artist" skills…

We all know that you can't be too interested in a woman or you'll come across as needy.

But if you don't show her any interest, how will she ever get interested in you?

Life is filled with apparent contradictions. Whenever I see one like this, I try to remember that what the contradiction is really saying is to avoid playing the extreme for too long.

In other words, polarized behavior (i.e., acting aloof and distant) works.

… For a little while.

Before you know it, she's going to find your distant behavior off-putting and tiresome, and she will realize that she's not getting any validation here.

And off she goes.

But if you shower her with adoration, you'll wind up feeding her validation machine, and she'll just get tired of it.

Remember, beautiful women are validated all day long. All night long.

All the time.

I like your image of the rams in combat. That's very vivid.

However, I don't think it really suits our situation. What we're really talking about here is a balancing act. Like two kids on a see-saw. One goes up, the other goes down.

But if you have two kids that are about the same weight, and they don't put much energy into the activity, you just kind of hang there, balanced.

Boring.

So you use polarized behavior to start things up, and then you learn how to play with the energy by going a bit extreme with attention – or pulling it away.

It's a balancing act that can be done WITHOUT being manipulative.

And you can learn the skill very easily…

Learn more about how to attract women here…

I've always had a soft spot in my heart (and my brain) for science that approximates reality.

You see, I think there is a lot that science has to offer us for understanding.

However, science really breaks down when you get to the level of social interaction and social dynamics.

When one person sits alone in a room and thinks, that's a very simple system. A bit boring, perhaps, but simple nonetheless.

When you throw another person into the mix, now you've got a magnificently complicated SYSTEM. Each person feeds off of the other person's reactions and cues, and it's infinitely more complex.

Systems theory tells us that small changes in a system can lead to dramatic results over time – especially if those interactions can feedback off each other.

This same kind of "feedback effect" happens all the time when guys interact with women. It's usually because of the SENSITIVITY of one or both of the people.

If one person is very sensitive, words can be taken out of context. Meanings become twisted. Misunderstandings are easy.

What if BOTH people are sensitive?

You ever see a couple like this? They give a whole new meaning to neurotic.

One person interprets what the other said as an attack or an insult…

"What do you mean, 'What time will I be home?' Do you not want me to go out? Are you jealous?"

CrAzY.

The less sensitive people are, the less chance for unhealthy feedback loops…

I'll be talking more about this again soon…

Your Friend,

Carlos Xuma

PERSISTENCE

I got a letter recently that I thought was provoking and interesting. I think it's such a critical point that it needs to be reviewed and restated.

Guys, there is NO magic bullet in dating and attracting women – other than this:

If you are not successful with women right now, you need to LEARN MORE and PRACTICE MORE. And then leave no other option for yourself than success.

Bottom line: You must PERSIST.

No ifs, ands, or buts.

I've seen some not-very-attractive guys with such great game that they were always lining up a new lady. They were balding, slightly chubby men – not good looking. But they knew that one thing was going to override any appearance factors: Their ATTITUDE.

Are these guys getting as much sex as the gorgeous model guys? I suspect many probably are. There's also a distinct chance they might not be getting the supermodels to ride home with them in their Ferrari's the way some of the gorgeous model guys do.

A lot of guys will just throw their hands up at this and shriek, "Hey! What's the POINT then? If good looking guys get more sex and better looking women, then what gives?"

In fact, in the letter I got, the reader said this: "Like many other authors and dating experts you continue to overlook the fact that how you look and appear physically is the most important factor in success with beautiful women. I truly know this from first hand, real experience."

Now I'm going to tell you the same thing I told him:

Your "image" (how you dress, how well groomed you are, etc.) DOES matter.

But your looks do not matter all that much. I suspect many guys like you already know this. If you've ever seen a couple and thought, "HUH? What the hell does she see in HIM???" you know what I mean.

However…

Let's just say for a minute that this is correct and physical appearance is THE most important factor.

What then?

What would that mean to you if this 'fact' were established as 100% correct? Would you give up trying to get with beautiful women if your looks weren't a "10"?

Would that mean the "game is over"? No sex with good looking women for you?

If the worst thing you suspected were true, *what would you do then?*

You'd have to do what millions of men have to do every day when they're faced with a challenge: You figure out a way around it.

Looks only get your foot in the door. She can still shove you out and slam the door shut.

I don't believe there are specific laws you can use that say "only beautiful women will sleep with beautiful men." Human relationships are not like math where you add up some numbers and always get the same result.

The Dating Dynamics I teach are fantastic in that they are FLEXIBLE and versatile. You can make the laws of attraction bend and flex to what YOU want by employing very simple strategies. The more and better you learn them, the more success you enjoy.

There is NO MAN who is a born or condemned failure with women – IF he's willing to get in there and persist. I did. I was a beaten-down "Nice Guy" who once endured a two-year dry spell that would have made a celibate monk weep in his cot at night.

Remember, it's easier to change yourself than the rest of the world. It's easy to accept an assumption rather than question it and change it in your life.

I happen to believe one fact COMPLETELY and without a doubt with respect to men's attitudes. This is one of the guiding principles I disclose in my program The Secrets of the Alpha Man:

You will only attract the quality of woman into your life that your level of self-confidence will allow.

Did you catch that?

You will only attract the quality of woman that your current level of self-confidence will allow.

Sure, a guy who has average looks is not going to be as IMMEDIATELY appealing to a woman as a hot guy, but in what context? In the meat-market pickup clubs?

Remember this critical fact: HOW you look is less important than the way you make a woman feel.

Have you ever used hotornot.com? It's a Web site that lets you put your picture up and have it graded on a scale from 1 to 10. Go there and see what kind of ratings some pictures get. Some people's pictures vary anywhere from a 2 to a 10.

How can this be?

For two reasons:

1) Each woman's tastes are different. One woman's ugly is another's gorgeous.

2) You can put up a different picture with a different attitude and look – but the SAME person – and get completely different ratings. Even from the SAME woman!

How can that be?

Do this: Ask any woman you know to go through a set of pictures of you and have her help you pick out which one is most enticing. And then have her explain her choices to you.

Chances are she won't be able to, but the women that can will tell you it's all in the attitude (sexiness) you convey. Same person, just different attitudes.

The same thing happens in real life. Your appearance is directly influenced by your attitude.

So, back to the Truth: How you LOOK is less important than how you make her FEEL. But you do have to make the most of what you've got first so that she'll be interested enough to peek below the surface.

If you're not having more success with women right now, it's because something is still missing. I'll bet that I know what this is, too.

ATTITUDE.

Every single guy I know who has improved his game with women has shirked off that bitter, whining attitude (that he can't get success because of this or that) and he just goes and DOES IT ANYWAY.

Remember that scene in Apollo 13 where Ed Harris talks about the situation and says, "Failure is not an option!"

There was NO point in their problem solving that allowed them to throw their hands up and say, "We can't do it! Those guys are just going to have to die up there. We give up."

That's SO essential. You can't give yourself the option of failure, or you will probably take that option somewhere along the way.

There is ALWAYS a reason that you're not getting the success you want with women, and there is ALWAYS a solution.

So my message is this: The only people who fail in this world are those who PERSEVERE. There are plenty of guys who want to find this mystical magical combination of words that will "GET A WOMAN IN BED WITH YOU, TONIGHT!"

It doesn't exist, guys. It's what they used to call Snake Oil.

I'm here to tell you that you CAN have almost any woman you want, but you're going to have to learn and practice a hell of a lot more. It's not instantaneous. And there are no "six magic words" out there that are going to change that. The great Secret that you're all looking for is already in front of you:

ANY method will work, if you REALLY use it and work it. (And it's not as hard as you might imagine.)

Failure will NOT be an option.

If you employ these principles, and make her feel good about herself and you through the Dating Dynamics principles I teach, you WILL be more successful.

Now get busy!

- Carlos Xuma

I've had quite a few guys ask me about using the latest in social networking to get hooked up meeting women.

Well, it's actually not that hard, but you have to do it with some understanding of how to play the game. Because there are many ways to do it wrong, and only a few to do it right…

QUESTION ABOUT FACEBOOK:

Carlos, hey man, thanks for all your great advice…

I wanted to ask you about something – how can I use Facebook to meet women online?

I've heard that it can be done, but I can't help thinking it would be weird and creepy to approach some of my friends' friends like this and ask for a date.

But it seems like a MEGA opportunity to meet women.

How can I work this?

- Allen L., Houston
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

I've been eyeing this method to meeting women for some time, and I agree completely. It IS a mega-mega opportunity to meet women…

…if it's handled right.

First of all, let's remember the catastrophe that is "Myspace." (May it rest in peace.) That social network has been so polluted and abused that it's really not useful anymore. I know I don't take it seriously.

What happened there?

Well, first of all, everyone got slammed with spam. A few clever programmers and bulk friend programs, and suddenly you had Myspace pages that looked like web sites from the year 1998.

Cheap backgrounds, silly wallpaper, and everybody's page looked like a 14-year-old girl's bedroom, complete with Britney Spears posters.

Enter Facebook.

A whole lot classier than its trailer-park cousin, Facebook has maintained a better image. But with a bunch of cool toys and add-ons that made it interesting and more fun.

So how can you work this great social networking tool to help you with your dating life – while not looking like some pervert who got kicked out of the alleys of Myspace?

I'll give you a very simple 4-step model to use. This is the one that my friends and I have used consistently to get results online.

STEP 1: Connect with the guys – and other women – who have a lot of cute girl friends.

In other words, connect with people that YOU are not interested in dating who have big networks.

You must be very indirect at first using Facebook.

Remember the lesson from Myspace – Don't be a spammer!

This is not "match.com" or an online dating site, so don't just start sending out invites and emails hoping to score based on numbers. We've come to hate the abusers, and you'll just get your sorry ass kicked right off.

Start out with light connections. Think "friends first."

Don't make your Facebook profile look like you're trying to meet women. Be subtle.

What you're trying to do is multiply your results and increase your connection potential by meeting more people who know more people.

If you just start trying to hit on the women you're interested in right off the bat, you'll be limiting your results with shortsighted thinking.

Think out to the LONG term. The more cool people you connect with and forge relationships with, the more likely you are to connect with a woman naturally.

STEP 2: Connect with women you are interested in VERY indirectly.

What you have to do is send a simple friend request – and make sure you include a message with it!

You just say something like, "Hey, I saw we're both friends with Greg… Then I noticed you're a snowboarder, too… Ever go to Tahoe?"

You see what I did there? I left a question INSIDE my friend request. For her to answer it, she's going to feel compelled to add me.

It's also just something people are looking to do. Let's face it, we all measure our social success by how many people we've got as friends on Facebook. We all want a HUGE network, so women will WANT to add you – if only to increase their friend count.

STEP 3: Start leveraging the tools.

Facebook has a huge amount of potential for the guy who wants to take advantage of them. You can add all kinds of cute little applications to send virtual drinks to friends, send goofy gifts, or even start your own polls and surveys.

But one of the best tools you need to be using is the GROUP function on Facebook.

In fact, in preparing for this article, I created the group "Carlos Xuma's Alpha Lifestyle" to start connecting you guys together and enabling men to share information.

You can do this, too. Just create a group based on your passion and your local area.

I'm going to advise you to avoid starting a group based on "Warcraft" or on the latest hot actress.

Make your group something a woman can relate to and might be interested in. Maybe it's the television show "Lost…" or maybe it's about all things Italian.

Ba-da-bing! Now you've got a hook to use to invite her into your group.

STEP 4: Start escalating and creating more opportunities.

Remember, this is a VIRTUAL tool. It's online.

In other words, your connections don't REALLY exist anywhere except on some server in an air-conditioned room in a data center somewhere.

It's up to YOU to bring these connections to life with events that you can invite people to.

Most people will stroll around this virtual network, but then never take it into the REAL world. That's where YOU come in.

Maybe once a month you should organize a happy hour at your local favorite bar. Or maybe you make a Facebook group for wine tasters, and then every other Friday you meet up and go tasting the latest Pinot Noirs.

THAT is your opportunity to start looking for romantic potential in the groups. You have to remember that you can't be a Facebook "pickup artist" and try to attract women online.

You have to build a network, forge some connections, and meet women in person to start creating the attraction.

That being said, you can also send out some playful introductions to women you don't know and see if they bite. (Just make sure your profile has enough interesting bait for them to nibble at…)

- Write on people's walls…

- Send a few virtual drinks…

- Send some good karma…

- Use the "Flirtable" app…

For the man with initiative, the Facebook world is yours.

So step up and start creating the social network, then start meeting the women in it.

By the way, if you'd like to add me as a friend, go look me up. Carlos Xuma on Facebook.com…

Get Social!

Carlos Xuma
Dating Advice for Men

Something that confuses a lot of guys out there is when they start to fall back on their "scientific brain."

I was guilty of this for quite a while. I relied on the empirical evidence of science to describe what goes on when a man and a woman interact.

You essentially have some bookworm researcher sitting on the other side of a bar from a couple taking notes…

"Hmmm… the man appears to be tilting his pelvis towards the woman… She is stroking her hair and rolling her eyes… She is releasing pheromones in the air, which accounts for the other guy who just walked up and talked to her… This is how men and women must be attracted to each other…"

What Mr. Researcher is missing out on is all the various words and reactions and subtle cues of power, confidence and dominance that the guy is giving off. And all the distinct social challenges and triggers the woman is using.

Not to mention Mr. Researcher lacks the social skills and perception to really sense what is going on in their dynamic on a fundamental level.

Don't fall into the trap of using logic when it comes to meeting women.

Don't use strategies that aren't giving you results – no matter how "logical" they seem.

There is no substitute for real-life experience in understanding sexual communications…

Just watched the Blu-Ray version of "Starship Troopers" last night… A guilty pleasure of mine.

It's worth it to re-watch, not just for the bug battles, but the totally believable character arc of Johnny Rico.

Witness him as he goes from being completely chumped by Denise Richards and eventually gets with the chick he should have been with. (But he didn't want her because she wanted him. Crazy…)

Oh, the scene at the train station where Rico professes his love and BEGS Denise to reply is painful to watch…
I just love it when Rico says, "Diz, can't we just be friends?"

But notice that throughout the movie, Diz doesn't punk out and turn into the creepy stalker. She just stays in the game with him confidently until her opportunity comes along. She plays it pretty cool.

The jealousy and perfect placement of the guy-you-love-to-hate – Zander – is spot on, too. He's cocky, confident, and a bit of a dick. Yep, he's the "bad boy."

Johnny wouldn't have had a problem if he'd just pushed Denise into his arms at that football game instead of being a totally chumped and choded out jealous guy over everything. The perfect Alpha response to that situation would have been, "Hey, you two are a cute couple. I think you should date each other." Then smile and go back to having his own fun at winning the game.

So many lessons, so much he could have avoided.

But you know what? I've been there, man.

And it sucks.

Until you know what it means to be the Alpha Man.

If you've seen this movie and know what I'm talking about here, give me an AMEN and post a comment on this blog…

I was surfing around on IMDB when I came across this review of the "Sex and the City" movie. His opinions are pretty strong, but I can't help but feel that there is an undercurrent of truth in what he's saying.

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The End of Anything Honorable About Western Women

When I was a young boy I remember being around women like my mother, grandmother, sister, aunts, cousins, friends. I remembered that women were kind and generous and caring.

As I got older (I am now 27) a peculiar shift in women occurred. For one I started to like them obviously but secondly I noticed that women started to become pompous arrogant divas. I was about 19 when I started to realize that the typical American woman is one of the most spoiled, arrogant, selfish people the world has ever really known. What was the reason for this I wondered.

As I went through college I paid attention to women's behavior whom I went on dates with, whom I dated for long periods, and whom I worked with and was friends with. I notice that most young women are very, very similar and they incorrectly think their "free spirits" when, in fact, their hearts and souls are owned by industry and shallow trinkets. Why? One reason: Movies and TV shows like Sex and the City, People magazine, America's Next Top Model, All things MTV, Celebrities, etc. Suburban white girls who suffer from PPS (Pampered Princess Syndrome)

This movie possibly represents all that is wrong with the woman America is producing. It also reflects the pathetic depths to which once proud American men have sank to in order to appease Ms. Princess. This movie celebrates being a high priced whore, what a great message for young women. I thought we were supposed to encourage, "being yourself and having high self esteem" funny really, that women create images for themselves that are the opposite of what they preach.
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CARLOS COMMENTS:

Besides being a tad generalizing, and the slight tone of anger in his review, he has some points here.

What do you think? Comment on this post – I'd love to hear what you think about it…

Follow my daily activities at Twitter:

http://www.twitter.com/carlosxuma

Hey… I just got a note from my good friend Joe Matthews, and it seems he's releasing a bunch of free videos, as well as holding a teleseminar on how looks don't matter when it comes to attracting women.

Here's the call info he sent me…

Date: Thursday 8/21/08, 5:00 pm Pacific, 7:00 pm Central, 8:00 pm Eastern

You can get the free videos here…