Carlos Xuma's Dating Tips for Guys

One of the areas of confusion for a lot of guys is this whole thing about playing it cool versus showing a woman that you’re interested in her. After all, we know that showing keen interest in a woman pushes her away…

But if you don’t show any interest, how do you ever get things off the ground?

How do we reconcile this?

Isn’t this a contradiction…?

Read this question:
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QUESTION:

“We all know that human relationships, especially those between the sexes, are such that people will often naturally be attracted to someone who shows that they aren’t needy, are self-content and have their own thing going on, and aren’t seeking or desiring anything in the relationship.

On the flip side, people are often naturally repelled from people who show neediness or who seem too interested in having things go well and in the relationship. Hence, when we are interested in someone romantically, we need to both take the actions that can have things get going to where we want them to (approach the woman, for starters) or else nothing will happen, while simultaneously not showing too much interest in her.

To me, this has elements of contradiction and although it’s all gradually becoming clearer, how to best think about and deal with this is something I’m still getting up to speed on.

For instance, the very act of approaching a woman shows our interest, but theoretically then, this is supposed to also reduce her own interest in us. It’s akin to the uncertainty principle in physics.

Recently I met and went out with an awesome woman and although I think things went well for the most part and I was consciously trying to ride the fine line between showing interest while not being needy, I think it’s hard for me still and I think a lot of my problem is that I don’t have a good idea of how I should be thinking about this…..

Is this indeed a contradiction, with two opposite forces coming against themselves like male rams in combat, or am I misunderstanding things? If it indeed is a contradiction, what’s the most empowering and effective viewpoint to have towards it?”
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Yes.

You’ve hit on the universal dilemma of modern dating and “pickup artist” skills…

We all know that you can’t be too interested in a woman or you’ll come across as needy.

But if you don’t show her any interest, how will she ever get interested in you?

Life is filled with apparent contradictions. Whenever I see one like this, I try to remember that what the contradiction is really saying is to avoid playing the extreme for too long.

In other words, polarized behavior (i.e., acting aloof and distant) works.

… For a little while.

Before you know it, she’s going to find your distant behavior off-putting and tiresome, and she will realize that she’s not getting any validation here.

And off she goes.

But if you shower her with adoration, you’ll wind up feeding her validation machine, and she’ll just get tired of it.

Remember, beautiful women are validated all day long. All night long.

All the time.

I like your image of the rams in combat. That’s very vivid.

However, I don’t think it really suits our situation. What we’re really talking about here is a balancing act. Like two kids on a see-saw. One goes up, the other goes down.

But if you have two kids that are about the same weight, and they don’t put much energy into the activity, you just kind of hang there, balanced.

Boring.

So you use polarized behavior to start things up, and then you learn how to play with the energy by going a bit extreme with attention – or pulling it away.

It’s a balancing act that can be done WITHOUT being manipulative.

And you can learn the skill very easily…

Learn more about how to attract women here…

 

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 30th, 2008 at 8:53 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.