So those great ladies over at The Wing Girl Method wrote a recent newsletter that speaks to something I hear asked a lot, too…
Read on:
______________________
Tons of you keep writing in and asking a females opinion on whether
or not a man should pay for the first date.
I will tell you, as a woman I feel that only a true man will pay
for the first date, boys will offer to go dutch.
I know that tons of other PUA’s scream and preach that men should
not pay because they feel it sets a man up to be the cash cow for
the remainder of the relationship.
I am a woman and I aggressively disagree.
If a man asks me out on a first date and then offers to go dutch or
holds out for me to offer to pay, it is so over.
On that first date I want to feel like a lady and I want the man
I’m with to be a gentleman.
I will always offer and probably feel bad or uncomfortable with the
man paying. But I would be very disappointed if a man expected
me or made me pay on the first date.
If I pay it is not a date it is a friendly outing.
The only time it MAY be acceptable, is when I ask a man out. This
is because it was my invite and therefore my responsibility to
handle the bill.
Even in this situation the best thing for a man
to do would be to say “I know you asked me but I would like to
pay”. I would of course, would reject the idea but then give in.
This is an exchange that makes me feel safe, valued and female.
All the things I want to feel on a first date.
Now of course some of you are reading this and thinking “money
hungry bitch”. I know you are. I have many of my clients use this
term and I want to put a stop to it right now.
A situation like this has nothing to do with money it has to do
with roles.
In my eyes, as a woman, when I begin dating someone I
want to be courted, wooed and wowed. I WANT TO FEEL FEMININE.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:
Damn straight, ladies.
Guys out there must realize that there are some women who expect this – and it’s really not a Gold-digger mentality as much as a role for men to fulfill.
Look, you want her to clean up and wear sexy clothes and push those boobies up to her neck… You can swing for the shrimp, dude.
If you can’t afford it, go someplace more reasonable.
But you should only being going on “dates” with women you have effectively pre-screened and verified. None of this “let’s go out for dinner and a movie” for the first time out with her crap.
Make sure a woman is what you want FIRST, and then you invest.
Just like the stock market, bud. If you just pick a stock because it “feels good” – you’ll lose your shirt.
And deserve it.
Be the man, so she can feel safe to be the woman.
- Carlos Xuma
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Yeah, well, I want to feel masculine, but according to the PC media that isn't allowed anymore. Women get to complain endlessly about doing a little more housework, or the phony charge that they get paid less (any idiot could figure out they get the same amount for EQUAL work), but, boy, when it comes to the thousands of female-only privileges, they want to keep them ALL. I refuse to cow-tow to a bunch of self-centered nitwits. There are women out there that will treat you fairly, but not many – most have swallowed the "everything for females, nothing for males" selfish PC garbage that panders to them.
I have not settled on this issue, but surely there must be better ways make a woman feel safe than to pay for her. And all the times back in the days I have paid for dates and the women dont even thank me and then never return my calls, that makes shy way from the provider role. Only if a dominant frame is established is it ok to pay for the date, otherwise you will loose attraction. But then there is no need to pay. I like to give, but that is only possible if she is emotionally invested in you already.
A woman with a silly rule like this is in my opinion hinking and not feeling and therefore in the wrong place. Make the first few times you meet cost nothing or little, your time should be enough. A woman should feel emotionnally protected, not financely.
I think the real issue here is the motivation of the man for paying for the date. IF his motivation is to pay to try and impress or expect more in return it will surely backfire. If his motivation is to not pay to not look like he is trying to hard it will backfire too.
How about when taking a girl out say: "Dress this way (for whatever activity you will do, you don't have too give all the details just hints) and bring a little cash with you."
That leaves all the options open while still remaining a bit mysterious in an honest way.
WING GIRL wrote; "women want to be courted, wooed and wowed. I WANT TO FEEL FEMININE"
blah- blah-blah… Another FAILED comment.
WING GIRL, tell me if my role as a man is to spend #300 on a date, wine and dine you, make you feel comfortable, create the right atmosphere and chemistry, court you, woo you, wow you, make you feel special, make you feel 'FEMININE' and fulfil my masculine roles. would you happily fulfil your FEMININE roles "in the car perhaps"?
it seems anytime go on a date its like im tryin to impress, when i pay hardly do i ever get an appreciation/thank you(apart from the few classy ones)Their body languange and lack of response sort of communicates 'well its your duty anyways' or even see see it as a ROLE i have to fulfil.
Sometimes things dont quite workout. what happens to the TIME & MONEY? gone! (There's no refund policy..Lol)
Apart from it not working it shouldnt take any effort for the women to pay her own share of the date afterall it takes 2 to tangle. Moreover, if a woman is really interested in a guy she should be able to do this in a heartbeat and also make him feel comfortable, so he doesnt feel used without being percieved/judged negatively.
Girls that share thesame views as WING GIRLS(the poster) in my opinion are self-centered and less desirable. i would be naive in thinking a good amount of women dont share thesame views Hence, my first & second date are in places where money isnt needed, guarantees fun experience and can display my desirable traits.
In conclusion, i think guys should only pay if there's a genuine 'connection' with the girl and she's "verified" which usually, wouldnt be known before the first date. but if its known, then why not. after that then guys should ALWAYS pay regardless.
This is just excellent Carlos.
Especially your comment at the bottom – Screen her before you go out on a date!
It seems like a lot of guys don't get this. MAKE HER FEEL FEMINIME by BEING MASCULINE. It's not THAT hard…
And a part of being masculine is chivalry and courtship (paying for dinner like it's nothing to discuss (or think about) shows both)
It's not about buying attention. That's the wrong motivation.
It's about allowing her feminime to blossom.
To a large extent I concur with what rich says in this regard, as I think he articulated some important points very well. So I'll try and simplify this.
Guys, never spend more than twenty bucks on a date until you are in a relationship that is serious, exclusive, and physical.
If she expects more than that out of you before you have reached that stage, she is indeed a money hungry bitch that you are better off without.
Sorry Winggirl, but fortunately (for us, not necessarily for you) guys are wisening up and recognizing and avoiding traps that some, but certainly not all, women use to take advantage of us. Do you want money? Get a job. Do you want solid, healthy relationships with guys? Be prepared to contribute equally to them.