Interesting article in the Swedish news:
Dating in Sweden: sex, booze and mobile phones
As American blogger Kommissarie F. Curiosa prepares to wrap up her almost seven-year sojourn in Sweden, she shares her revised reflections on Swedish mating and dating with The Local. This guide may not help you find your Swedish Valentine, but it might just shed some light on the tantalizing mystery known as the strong, silent Nordic type.
With one of the highest birth rates in Europe, the Swedes seem to be pretty prolific when it comes to making babies, but even after six plus years of living in Stockholm, I'm still not sure how Swedish relationships actually happen.
The only obvious explanation seems to be massive quantities of alcohol. In other words, Swedish babies wouldn't exist without Finnish booze cruises and Systembolaget.
In recent months, The Local has reported that Swedes are much less inclined than their European counterparts to spend vast sums of cash in their efforts to find a mate. This didn't surprise me at all. That's because they spend it all on alcohol trying to get themselves drunk enough to talk to a member of the opposite sex.
I know that it will seem ungrateful to be accusing my host country of being a nation of stingy alcoholics, and I'll be the first to admit that a few drinks can be a fantastic social lubricant. It's probably also a case of “it's not the Swedes, it's me,” but Swedish mating and dating rituals (and usually in that order) appear to be a very slow process that go nowhere (except the bedroom) fast.
In a nutshell, it goes something like this:
A) Meet at a mutual friend's party.
B) Get really, really drunk.
C) Make out. Sex is optional.
D) If you're lucky, you are sober enough to save the other person's telephone number in your mobile, AND to put it under the correct name.
E) Send a text message along the lines of "last night was nice. Shall we have a coffee sometime?"
F) Spend hours analyzing the various ways in which aforementioned text message could be misinterpreted. Get your friends involved.
G) Have a "fika." *(see below for an explanation of this uniquely Swedish institution)
*A "fika" is a Swedish word for an ambiguous meeting that may or may not be a date, or better explained as a non-date, or a date that is pretending-not-to-be-a-date.
It is also worth mentioning that one can also have a fika with a friend, colleague, family member, or neighbor. Hence the ambiguity of the whole affair.
During this "fika" Swedish non-date, things are a little stilted and awkward as both parties pretend that nothing happened last Saturday night, and politely and awkwardly ask questions about the other person, usually beginning with "Where do you live?," descending into a discussion about the difficulty and frustration of the Stockholm housing market, and complaining that you have had to move seven times in the course of six months.
Now, where were we…oh yes:
H) At the end of this date pretending not to be a date, give each other an awkward hug, or possibly a handshake, ended with the statement, "Vi hörs!" or "Hoppas vi ses snart!" ("I'll talk to you soon." or "Hope we see each other soon!")
I) Spend the entire next week pondering over who should make the next move.
A WORD OF WARNING: It is not assumed here that the guy will take the lead. More likely, the opposite is expected. If the Swedish guy is brave enough open his mouth and say something at all during this date, he may feel that it is now the girl's turn to put herself out on a limb.
J) Spend many more hours analyzing your feeble attempts at text message"flirting," agonizing over whether you should or should not use the word "mysig" (cozy) or "trevlig" (nice), fearing the former may be too much, and the latter may not be enough. Once again, enlist the help of your friends.
K) Repeat Step A.
L) Repeat Step B.
M) Repeat Step C, all the while pretending it never happened the first time.
N) Sometime after several more renditions of Steps B and C, go out to dinner.
O) Since it's a little harder to pretend you are not on a real date in the formal atmosphere of a restaurant, drink massive amounts of the house wine.
P) At the end of dinner, closely examine the bill to make sure each person pays for his or her appropriate share, including the extra five kronor for dressing on the side.
Q) Get kicked out of your way-too-expensive second-hand rental contract because the person you were subletting from didn't take 10 study points and lost his/her contract for student housing.
R) Get drunk again, and commiserate on the horrors of the Stockholm housing market.
S) Move in together.
T) Go shopping at Ikea.
U) Take a romantic trip to the Canary Islands.
V) Move to the suburbs, buy a Volvo and start collecting “Vuxenpoäng” (see Stockholm Syndrome for more on the ‘adult points’ systems).
W) Have a child.
X) Name it Johan, Erik, Fredrik, or Henrik if it’s a boy or Sara, Anna, Lisa, or Emma if it’s a girl.
Y) Two months after you go back to work after having Johan/Erik/Fredrik/Henrik/Sara/Anna/Lisa/Emma, repeat Step W.
Z) Enjoy an additional 18 months of parental leave.
Å) Get married for your 20th wedding anniversary.
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CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:
Well, as usual, it appears that yet another journalist has NO CLUE as to how to date or create attraction.
And if you read carefully where she talks about how guys are not initiating, it seems that a lot of the guys don't know how it works, either.
(THAT, my friends, is why I'm here, I suppose.)
Interestingly, even after living in the country for a while, this author doesn't seem to have a clue – or realize that maybe there is a BETTER way to get the woman you want than playing the "everyone else is doing it, so I guess I will too…" game.
Looks like I need to do some seminars over in Sweden, eh?
By random chance I had your page open when this was posted and my browser reloaded. Since I'm from Sweden, have listened to one of your products and know some of the subject I'll make a long comment.
A-I are spot on. Q to Å are also correct (R is standard but have nothing to do with the relationship). It's amazing how often you move in together because of necessity (Q) instead of having planned it. As you can see the dating process is very informal and unstructured. Most things happen more or less by mistake and alcohol usually plays a big part. Swedes are notorious for getting hammered, no one drives to parties or clubs.
Gender equality is a BIG thing in Sweden. Almost always when there's any kind of ranking Sweden tops it. The feminist movement is extremely strong. I'm a just graduated psychologist and the way we are taught here are that all differences have a social base, not a biological. That men and women should respond subconsciously to different things isn't an idea that is accepted and you are viewed as something of a mental caveman if you try to explain it to people. For instance, I would never go into a discussion about it with my former classmates..
I think this is the main reason for the way dating takes place, how we pay the bill etc. If all of society constantly tells you that both genders are exactly the same, then this will be the result. Add in that we are supposed to be so nice and accommodating to women and we are exposed to the same pop culture (we watch _exactly_ the same shows as shown in the US, no exceptions but with subtitles) and you will end up with very confused men.
In regards to women we have very few of what you call Alpha men. Those that act like it are either players or jerks/bad boys.
I'm very fit, just got my second MSc, are ambitious and have a high sense of self value. I think that's why I've never, as an adult, had a problem getting interesting women. An entire life of social conditioning have still made me into a person that used to go through basically the steps listed in the article. It's very sad but when it's all you know..
Btw, I borrowed Secrets of the Alpha man from a friend recently, that's why I happened to stumble on this article. I think that you have a great tonality for audio, it's very comfortable listening to. I also appreciate that you sometimes use "hard" language. I recall smiling when you talked about therapy for men and women and that men doesn't need to talk about everything, we need to go forward. I could just imagine the pure anger from most psychologists when hearing that.
Another thing I think is you do great is that you often use tested psychology, not just what you or other puas have picked up. You talk of much of the same as I use in CBT, without it getting to complicated or becoming like therapy. I also like the way you didn't just talk about Alpha in the context of women. The thing I got out of the product was to be more conscious of my own value so that I go for what I want and set clear boundaries for what I think is acceptable behavior. Usually Swedes are notorious for not complaining and not walking away, the strong silent type, but when in a social context it works against us.
Keep up the good work Carlos!
Comment by Alexander — February 26, 2009 @ 2:19 am
The really interesting difference between dating in Sweden and the USA is the order of things. In USA it seems you don't have sex until at least the second date while in Sweden you have sex first and then go on a date. So you don't ask a woman for their phone number, but "My place or yours?" and then the day after, if you still like each other in daylight and when you're sober, you exchange phone numbers.
Comment by Staffan V — March 1, 2009 @ 11:50 am
These are awesome ways to spend time together, romantic ideas.
Comment by Online Dating Services — March 26, 2009 @ 2:09 pm