COMMENTS FROM A READER:

Hi Carlos.

QUESTION FROM A READER:

There is this girl who i recently met, it seems like she is into me…

only thing is,, i went for coffee with her and her friend today and her friend kept talkin to her about other guys and wheneva a 'decent' lookin guy would walk past they would both comment on how hot he is…
i didnt know how to react to this as its neva happened before…

so any advice or insight would be really appreciated…
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
This is a brutal situation for most guys. It's not easy to handle it when you're with a woman that you think is into you, and you've got someone pushing her buttons like that – and YOUR buttons.
You should understand that this is one of two things:
1) It's a test.
You can't respond any other way than if you really don't care.
Heck, if you really want to impress her, you should ENCOURAGE her to dig on the other guys.
Why?
Because ANY OTHER REACTION will demonstrate just how insecure you are.
And that gets you booted out of her booty-camp. (That's one of those lines that sounded good in my head, but I'm not sure about it here… hmmm.)
That's the worst part about this kind of test. She knows that you're into her, yet she still wants to see what you're made of.

2) This is also a way to tell you that she's not interested in you that way, or she thinks you're a wuss.
I can tell the girl you're with is very young. Like, 21 or younger.
The older a girl is, the less likely she will be to do this sort of thing, if only out of respect for your feelings.
The sad reality is that some girls just don't care about your feelings, or that it might "hurt" to say that sort of thing in front of you to get a rise out of you.
Both of these girls were behaving disrespectfully and mean-spirited. They wanted to see what kind of reaction you would give.
In reality, it shouldn't matter that much to you because you've got at least a few other girls on the back burner that you can easily give your time to. And they should SENSE this from you.
My advice is to:
1) Toughen your hide a bit.
Life is a contact sport. Chicks will do stuff like this. Don't let it get to you.
(If this sort of thing gets to you a lot, you should look at THIS: Click here...)
2) Go find some girls who are into you, and don't let ANY woman disrespect you.
When she shows her true colors like this, do you think the treatment would get any better if you were her boyfriend?
Uh, no.
In fact, it would probably be a situation where she just keeps playing you to see how much you'll take.
Go meet some QUALITY women.
There are plenty to be found, if you know where to look.
You can also look here…

I realize that the whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing has gotten a bit old in some circles, but I feel the need to expose some of the ridiculous "controversy" over John Gray's information.

I'm not the biggest fan of his work, but I do respect that – on the whole he understands masculine and feminine gender roles fairly well.

What drives me up a wall are all these people who "think" way more than they feel, and believe that we can intellectually re-define relationships and attraction based on our anger and imagined injustices supposedly created by "oppressive masculine institutions."

Many of the critics are those people who want to rush to classify what he's teaching as "anti-feminist" and therefore quickly push the concept of emotional reality right out of the picture.

Here's what one of those critics of his work had to say on her web site:

This page is exclusively for the critical review and analysis of the enormously popular (as puzzling as that may be) self-help book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships (New York: HarperCollins, 1992). Despite its promotional hype, at its very core it is a sexist, patronizing, male-centered invective which does little more than perpetuate long-held negative gender stereotypes. Infomercials, popular magazines, the existence of a WWW site, television appearances and published spin-offs by the author, John Gray, have made this book appear undisputed in its broad claim to improve communication between men and women. Unassailable it is not and thus there is a very sincere need to rebut the arguments put forth by John Gray.

Intelligent discussion concerning John Gray's methods is needed outside the realm of TV talk, four-minute interviews, biased infomercials and various women's and on-line magazines. The intent is not to make ad hominen attacks on the author, but to seriously question his point of view and the advice advanced in his publications. "Success stories" notwithstanding, Gray's advice, and the methods he uses to promote it, poses more troubling questions than those it professes to answer. Please accept this invitation to read through The Rebuttal and share your point of view.

CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

Well, the puzzling is not so puzzling as this author would have it.

The reason his views are popular (in my belief) is because he respects and understands that MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT.

We are NOT alike (equal, but not alike), and we have differences that complement each other by virtue of understanding them. The unfortunate thing is that in this mad quest for "political correctness" (i.e., trying not to hurt other people's feelings) and "equality," we've lost sight of the NATURAL aspects of us.

(I saw one author argue that we should discount gender roles because they're not what make up our identity. Can you think of ANYTHING that defines who you are more than your gender?)

Men and women simply are not meant to behave the same. And when we try to pretend (with our big "brains") that simply because our logical brain wants something, we'll always be very disappointed when our emotional brain wins the hand – as it does every time.

The western world (which is fast becoming the World) does not respect emotions as a way of "thinking."

Remember: Attraction is not a choice.

In my experience, those people who are solely motivated to counter a different point of view (in this case, just to discredit and attack John Gray's material) – these people feel a sense of intellectual frustration and anger at not having reconciled for themselves what does make relationships work.

The relationships that work long term are those that understand the roles of masculinity and femininity within the relationship – and RESPECT those traits. Not fight them.

And – contrarily – I have yet to see a relationship founded on the "new version" of gender roles (i.e., that both people lead in all areas of the relationship – that did not have a distinctly false aura of partnership to it.

In other words, they always seemed a bit like they were in a business partnership rather than a loving and caring relationship.

The funny thing is that in almost every successful family, the man is the "patriarch" of the family, but we always know that the woman is the effective leader in just as many decisions by virtue of her feminine leadership – which doesn't mean a big power struggle over who "wears the pants."

Women who grew up with good feminine role models – and were secure in their own gender identity – rarely had an issue with this. Yeah, the dad was the law, but mom was the one who made things run behind the scenes. I call these the Alpha Matriarchs.

Now, I hate to speak in generalities, and I don't want to come across as some old-school dinosaur…

I'm not arguing for some misogynist family structure – only that we stop looking at traditional family structures as being flawed in some major way. I see many more flaws in today's family structure, where neither boys nor girls are learning what it means to be their own sexual best.

And yet, as I always say, I must speak my mind – even if my voice shakes.

What do you think?

I just saw this interesting article on CNN and had to pass it on to you…

Not only is this a cool idea for a singles event, but it's a great idea for your dates as well. (You learn a lot about someone by how they play games…)

Oh, and you might consider this a good possible business opportunity. They're expanding…

______________________

Where singles go to play all sorts of games

• STORY HIGHLIGHTS
• PlayDate offers fun alternative to nightlife scene with board games, video games
  
• Timeless Entertainment Concepts runs PlayDate, Paint By Numbers
  
• PlayDate offers hula-hoops, musical chairs, Scrabble, Jenga, Pictionary
  
• To "not be an adult for one night" is kind of fun, participant says

ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) — Lynne Lucas is taking herself off the meat market. Monique Brown is sick of having to look cute all the time. And Scott Hayes is searching for his inner child.

It's Saturday night at PlayDate in Atlanta, Georgia, where 400 adults have gathered to play games, drink and socialize.

"It's not your usual bar scene where I look good, you look good, I'm scared to talk to you," Hayes says as he scans a giant Jenga tower for the right block to pull. "You'll talk to anyone when you're playing games, because you're trying to beat them."

Next to Hayes, Brown watches a rambunctious game of Pictionary while a twosome fights it out with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots nearby. Across the room, Lucas joins her friends in a game of Trouble. And on the dance floor, Imari Havard is hula-hooping with some ladies.

Havard is the co-founder of Timeless Entertainment Concepts, host of PlayDate, with Ryan Hill and Ronald Gaither.

Timeless' mission is clear: provide a fun alternative to the typical nightlife scene for an entrance fee of just $10 per person. In other words, if you're looking for love in all the wrong places, try a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

PlayDate began in Atlanta in 2005 and has slowly expanded from a monthly crowd of 80 to 500 twice a month in nine cities across the nation. The three men hope to start affiliates in another 20 markets this year.

What's it take to be a man these days?

I find myself asking that question a lot. If you watch young boys

and how a lot of them are being brought up these days, you'll find

yourself shaking your head as you ask it.

What are the important parts of being a MAN?

Just because you have the equipment doesn't mean that women

perceive you as being "MANLY." In fact, "manliness" has gotten a

bad rap.

And that has led a great many of us (including ME for many years)

to believe that we should be ashamed of being men.

Well, first and most importantly, you have to learn how to be

comfortable with just BEING a man.

With all the stupid messages you get from the media on things to

"enhance" your masculinity, you'd think that there was something

basically wrong with us right from the start, wouldn't you?

You're not long enough, hard enough, rich enough, or good looking

enough to get the woman you want – that's what They tell you.

But the reality is that women are attracted to a man from emotions

- NOT appearance.

(Yes, we know that a hot guy will get more initial interest, but he

can't KEEP it if he isn't showing her the right Alpha traits.)

So here are my top 3 traits for you to work on your masculinity and

demonstrating your Alpha Manhood.

>> WARNING: I'm not pulling any punches here. If you have a weak

stomach, I suggest you close this email and go back about your day.

Still with me?

GOOD! I knew you had the stones.

Here we go…

*** ALPHA MAN TRAIT 1) Initiative – Leadership drive

Women LOVE leaders.

They love it when a guy takes the lead and just makes the decision

and goes with it.

Even if he's wrong.

I make it a point when I'm out to ask women what they find most

un-attractive about men, and one thing comes up more than anything

else…

Indecisiveness and wishy-washy behavior.

Guys are trying to be "easy going" and cool, but they're actually

being perceived as weak-kneed little girls.

The great thing about taking initiative is that by doing this, you

actually demonstrate two other POWERFUL traits that draw women in

like moths to a flame: Ambition and Power.

Just by demonstrating the initiative with a woman, you are

sub-communicating all the right things about your masculinity and

drive.

In order to take this initiative, most men need to feel…

*** ALPHA MAN TRAIT 2) Assertiveness/Confidence

It's probably no secret to you that I don't cater to "political

correctness."

This story should help you understand how I feel:

There was a priest addressing his congregation, and he said to them

during his sermon: "There are millions of people out there starving

in the world today… and the problem is YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN

about it!"

Then he said, "And the BIGGER problem is that MORE of you are

shocked by me saying 'damn' in church than you are about the fact

that there are millions of people starving out there!"

WOW.

And the thing about confidence is that it really translates into

another word that allows us to understand it better.

Confidence

is

CERTAINTY.

Just the fact that you are sure about something is what gives you

confidence.

… Are you sure you can throw a baseball?

… Are you certain about yourself?

… Are you sure about what you want?

… Are you certain about your ability to approach women?

Wherever you have certainty in life, you feel confidence.

And assertiveness is what comes from your confidence. You can be

more firm and assertive when you know what it is you want, and

you're not willing to settle for less.

In order to exercise that confidence, we have to achieve…

***ALPHA MAN TRAIT 3) Emotional Control/Emotional Strength

Look, women are NOT attracted to men that cry on their shoulder.

They're NOT attracted to men who are always talking about their

"feelings."

Women want a man that is in control of his own emotional world.

You may hear women complain about the guy who's "not in touch with

his emotions," but the reality is that most of the guys who seem to

think they are in touch with their emotions are just PUPPETS of

their emotions.

There are really relatively few cases of guys who are strong and

emotionally controlled who just wake up one day and freak out

because their emotions had been bottled up inside them and went

thermo-nuclear.

I think a lot of 'sensitive' guys are afraid of this.

Forget about it!

You don't have to be an emotional man to be "aware" of your emotions.

Don't DENY your emotions, but don't LIVE in them, either.

First and foremost is emotional CONTROL. That's your big responsibility

as an Alpha Man.

*** BONUS ALPHA MAN EXERCISE: Do something BALLSY.

I mean do something that takes a pair of good-sized gonads.

I'm not talking about walking into Victoria's Secret with your

female friend while she buys a new bra, either.

Here are some "fake ballsy" and "REAL ballsy" activities so you

know what I mean:

FAKE ballsy: Writing a nasty comment on someone's Youtube video…

REAL ballsy: Sitting down with your friend and setting him straight

on how he's wussing out in his life…

I go on Youtube to look up good martial arts training videos, and

I'm ASTONISHED at the 3rd grade comments and flame wars that people

get into. The Internet has devolved into a cesspool of egos

battling it out for who's "right" about something.

Real balls means that you're using your character to do something

difficult that most other people wouldn't risk, because they don't

want to 'hurt someone's feelings.'

Or they don't want to 'confront' someone…

Look, we know that men are here to DO the things other people fear.

FAKE ballsy: Wearing the t-shirt of your favorite heavy metal band.

REAL ballsy: Wearing a t-shirt with "Got Dick?" on it…

True story: I had a friend named Dan in high school who came in with a

t-shirt that read, "If it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a f*ck."

He got suspended for a day or two for that. But I also remember him

doing that and secretly wishing I had the nads to be that brave.

(Oh, and the girls were talking about him for WEEKS after that.)

I got my chance a few years back when I went to a sushi place in

San Francisco and bought their t-shirt that said: "Your fish smells

like pussy."

I wore that out one day and got a lot of comments from women that I

could tell were secretly loving it – even as they were telling me

"that's not a nice t-shirt…"

Yeah. "Not-nice."

That thing that women say they don't want, but somehow always pursue.

Got me on that one, ma'am.

You see, every so often you have to break those shackles of

"political correctness" and "niceness" that has defined you.

Stop being the boring "nice guy" that makes women yawn and roll

their eyes.

Stop seeking approval. If I had chosen to go that route, I'd never

have had the opportunity to help guys like you to get the

confidence and women they want in life.

I'd have crumpled like a wet taco when the first person wrote me an

email saying he disagreed with my teachings.

(Funny, I don't get those emails anymore.)

SHOCK someone… Be different.

Ask yourself: How alive are you willing to be?

Dare to live your life on your own terms, and you'll feel a sense

of liberation and Alpha Masculinity that will open up a new world

to you.

It's the world where you get what you want – and what you deserve.

Talk to you again soon…

Your friend,

Carlos Xuma

PS: It's easy to take a message like this and nod your head in

agreement, but then go back to the same old ways…

"Forget about it," that voice in your head says. "Go back to being

happy and blissfully ignorant."

Until you run into the same challenges again and again…

Instead, why not make today different? Why not make it the day you

finally went after what YOU wanted?

REMEMBER: Either you will make yourself, or the world

will change you – against your will.

Which do you want?

Have you been getting a lot of "scare" mail lately?

You know, a bunch of guys telling you that you're going to wind up

alone and crying on New Year's Eve if you don't get moving?

Well, don't let yourself be frightened. The fact is that if you

don't have a date on New Year's, you'll survive.

But you know what?

Being alone sucks.

I know first-hand on this one.

I usually don't talk a lot about this, but I spent a period of over

a year where I didn't date much or really go out a heck of a lot.

I was in an intense state of getting my life together, and I got

really focused on my inner game and self-improvement. I put the

rest of my life on the back burner.

But I'll have to admit that being without a girlfriend for that

long was not part of the plan. I got pretty miserable during that

time, too.

It was at that low point that I made a realization that really

changed my life. It was this:

The inner game of confidence and self-esteem is not just a

self-help project you do in isolation, reading books and listening

to tapes.

** You MUST improve your inner game through actual EXPERIENCE. **

And I'm not talking about any of that "trial by fire" stuff, where

you have to go out and force yourself to talk to 100 women in one

hour so you can get over your approach anxiety.

(That method does NOT work, by the way… and I'll tell you more

about why in an upcoming newsletter…)

What I mean by "experience is that you have to implement certain

"success habits" in your every day life to get your inner game on

track.

It's very often as simple as knowing that if you go out and start

doing something and keep repeating it, in the right way, you'll

create a habit that will stick.

______________________

So how did we get here?

_____________________

Ever notice how everybody makes the same tired joke at the end of

December? When we won't see someone until after January 1st, we say:

"See you next year!"

And we laugh politely… Hardy har har…

Well, this lame joke actually illustrates something very important.

We signify a BIG change happening in just ONE moment of time.

On December 31st, at 11:59 PM, we all watch the New Year

celebration. And just as the clock ticks over from 11:59 and 59

seconds to 12:00 AM, we have a whole new year.

The odometer of our life ticks over one year in just one second.

Here's something interesting to ponder:

The very second that it turns over into the new year, that same

"new year" is already starting to end.

And the new year is getting shorter every minute of every

day until the NEXT December 31st.

In other words, we don't notice the end of something until the

change is really made obvious.

More on this in a second…

New Years has come to symbolize a lot, if you think about it:

1) Excitement and hope for a new year of opportunity

2) A chance to sweep under the carpet a bunch of our mistakes…

3) A reason to drink and party…

4) A chance to make some promises to make things different THIS year.

Funny thing, though.

We usually forget or lose our enthusiasm for those "resolutions"

about 3 weeks into the year.

I've got a good friend who's in the personal training biz

at a major fitness facility. He says that most people have

given up on their new exercise habit somewhere around the

end of February.

(A lot give up WAY sooner than that…)

They don't even make it 2 months into the year before they give up

on their 'resolution'…

Back to my point about change…

A famous CEO was once asked how his company went bankrupt. He said,

"Two ways: Slowly, and then all at once."

He illustrates a very important point.

Chances are, a lot of the things you see as "urgent" in your life

right now did not become that way overnight. More than likely, it

was happening underneath your conscious level of awareness for

quite a while.

In fact, this is how most of our "bad" habits start. A little at a

time, until one day you wake up and realize:

- I'm fat!

- I'm getting old!

- I'm out of shape!

- I'm an alcoholic!

- I gotta quit smoking!

- I'm bankrupt!

The worst habit – the one that most guys usually never see because

they let their egos create a blind spot – is when their confidence

has slid to disastrously low levels.

Or, as my friend once put it, "My inner game just sucks!"

And we know that our confidence rides the waves of a woman's interest in us.

The number one confidence booster (and doubt-destroyer) in your

life is this:

ACTION.

When you are DOING something towards the goal of fixing your bad

habits, or getting yourself in shape, or actually out there

socializing, your brain can shut off the evil chatter and let you

get down to business.

Again, there are a bunch of guys telling you that you're going to

wind up alone and crying on New Year's Eve if you don't hurry up…

Well, you will survive without a date.

But does that mean you should accept that?

Should you let 2009 be another period of time where you let this

part of your life continue to go on like this?

Or do you simply want to get out there and get:

- More dates with women…

- More women to date…

- More QUALITY women in your life…

- More results across the board…?

I don't want you to have to come to that horrifying realization

that your game sucks WAY down the road.

In "Wall Street," the classic movie with Michael Douglas and

Charlie Sheen, Gordon Gecko says: "Greed is good."

Well, he's not quite right.

It's not greed.

It's healthy AMBITION.

The drive and desire to carve out a place for yourself in this

world that makes you a powerful Alpha Man.

The drive to improve yourself beyond your peers to new levels of

achievement.

The drive to make your life something that you can really be proud

of, and something that a woman will BEG to become a part of.

The drive to jack your inner game up through the roof – and beyond.

If you're ready to stop settling for second place in life, it's

time to reserve your spot in the Alpha League.

There's plenty of guys just giving out "dating advice" out there.

What sets me apart is that I show you how to make your WHOLE LIFE

into what you want it to be – with women, with your friends, with

your career, with your family… ALL OF IT.

One of the questions I get all the time is:

Why do women run from nice guys, and very often wind up in the arms

of men they complain about all the time? The "jerks"?

I struggled for years with this, thinking that these guys were the

ones messing up my game and hurting all those women, so that's all I

ended up with – damaged goods.

I finally put it all together into something that every guy out

there can relate to, though, and I want to share it with you right

now.

CLICK HERE: Learn The Secrets to Attract Women – Naturally…

Here's to a fantastic "new" year, with YOU at the controls of your

life, steering your present into a powerful and confident future…

Your Friend,

Carlos Xuma

PS: Stay tuned, there are more videos and special reports coming

soon…

CLICK HERE: Learn The Secrets to Attract Women – Naturally…