Carlos Xuma's Dating Tips for Guys

COMMENTS FROM A READER:

Hi Carlos.

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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

The longer I go at this, the more I believe that the first thing you should do when a woman begins acting erratically like this is to drop her and let her deal with her issues.

This is tough, though, because they tend to give you just enough hope that you are left sitting there with a stinking pile of drama in your lap that you don't know where to go next.

It's nearly impossible to break down what is happening when a woman goes really hot & cold on you without observing it first hand. (This is the big mistake 'gurus' tend to make – even me – when we give the glib "You just weren't confident enough!" answer.)

You have to start with your own behavior and make sure you have a realistic grasp on what you may have done to "weird" her out. If she genuinely went hot and cold, the only thing you can do is to be CONSISTENT.

Again, another difficult thing to do, but it is something that women MUST sense you will do. Remember that the worst thing you can do is to try to get into her mind and pretend you know what's going on in there. You don't, and you can't.

RULE: The more women you are seeing or the more prospects you have, the less you will find yourself caring about situations such as these – AND the less you will find yourself dwelling on them. And…

RULE 2: Be VERY careful about reading too much into a girl's questions or responses – even when you suspect they are tests. You don't want to become "conversationally paranoid" and then make it even more difficult to stay in the moment.

SHE should be wondering what YOU meant, not the other way around.

BIG difference.

If your internal dialogue starts sounding like a conversation among women, you need to cut that right off.

QUESTION FROM A READER:

There is this girl who i recently met, it seems like she is into me…

only thing is,, i went for coffee with her and her friend today and her friend kept talkin to her about other guys and wheneva a 'decent' lookin guy would walk past they would both comment on how hot he is…
i didnt know how to react to this as its neva happened before…

so any advice or insight would be really appreciated…
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
This is a brutal situation for most guys. It's not easy to handle it when you're with a woman that you think is into you, and you've got someone pushing her buttons like that – and YOUR buttons.
You should understand that this is one of two things:
1) It's a test.
You can't respond any other way than if you really don't care.
Heck, if you really want to impress her, you should ENCOURAGE her to dig on the other guys.
Why?
Because ANY OTHER REACTION will demonstrate just how insecure you are.
And that gets you booted out of her booty-camp. (That's one of those lines that sounded good in my head, but I'm not sure about it here… hmmm.)
That's the worst part about this kind of test. She knows that you're into her, yet she still wants to see what you're made of.

2) This is also a way to tell you that she's not interested in you that way, or she thinks you're a wuss.
I can tell the girl you're with is very young. Like, 21 or younger.
The older a girl is, the less likely she will be to do this sort of thing, if only out of respect for your feelings.
The sad reality is that some girls just don't care about your feelings, or that it might "hurt" to say that sort of thing in front of you to get a rise out of you.
Both of these girls were behaving disrespectfully and mean-spirited. They wanted to see what kind of reaction you would give.
In reality, it shouldn't matter that much to you because you've got at least a few other girls on the back burner that you can easily give your time to. And they should SENSE this from you.
My advice is to:
1) Toughen your hide a bit.
Life is a contact sport. Chicks will do stuff like this. Don't let it get to you.
(If this sort of thing gets to you a lot, you should look at THIS: Click here...)
2) Go find some girls who are into you, and don't let ANY woman disrespect you.
When she shows her true colors like this, do you think the treatment would get any better if you were her boyfriend?
Uh, no.
In fact, it would probably be a situation where she just keeps playing you to see how much you'll take.
Go meet some QUALITY women.
There are plenty to be found, if you know where to look.
You can also look here…

What's it take to be a man these days?

I find myself asking that question a lot. If you watch young boys

and how a lot of them are being brought up these days, you'll find

yourself shaking your head as you ask it.

What are the important parts of being a MAN?

Just because you have the equipment doesn't mean that women

perceive you as being "MANLY." In fact, "manliness" has gotten a

bad rap.

And that has led a great many of us (including ME for many years)

to believe that we should be ashamed of being men.

Well, first and most importantly, you have to learn how to be

comfortable with just BEING a man.

With all the stupid messages you get from the media on things to

"enhance" your masculinity, you'd think that there was something

basically wrong with us right from the start, wouldn't you?

You're not long enough, hard enough, rich enough, or good looking

enough to get the woman you want – that's what They tell you.

But the reality is that women are attracted to a man from emotions

- NOT appearance.

(Yes, we know that a hot guy will get more initial interest, but he

can't KEEP it if he isn't showing her the right Alpha traits.)

So here are my top 3 traits for you to work on your masculinity and

demonstrating your Alpha Manhood.

>> WARNING: I'm not pulling any punches here. If you have a weak

stomach, I suggest you close this email and go back about your day.

Still with me?

GOOD! I knew you had the stones.

Here we go…

*** ALPHA MAN TRAIT 1) Initiative – Leadership drive

Women LOVE leaders.

They love it when a guy takes the lead and just makes the decision

and goes with it.

Even if he's wrong.

I make it a point when I'm out to ask women what they find most

un-attractive about men, and one thing comes up more than anything

else…

Indecisiveness and wishy-washy behavior.

Guys are trying to be "easy going" and cool, but they're actually

being perceived as weak-kneed little girls.

The great thing about taking initiative is that by doing this, you

actually demonstrate two other POWERFUL traits that draw women in

like moths to a flame: Ambition and Power.

Just by demonstrating the initiative with a woman, you are

sub-communicating all the right things about your masculinity and

drive.

In order to take this initiative, most men need to feel…

*** ALPHA MAN TRAIT 2) Assertiveness/Confidence

It's probably no secret to you that I don't cater to "political

correctness."

This story should help you understand how I feel:

There was a priest addressing his congregation, and he said to them

during his sermon: "There are millions of people out there starving

in the world today… and the problem is YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN

about it!"

Then he said, "And the BIGGER problem is that MORE of you are

shocked by me saying 'damn' in church than you are about the fact

that there are millions of people starving out there!"

WOW.

And the thing about confidence is that it really translates into

another word that allows us to understand it better.

Confidence

is

CERTAINTY.

Just the fact that you are sure about something is what gives you

confidence.

… Are you sure you can throw a baseball?

… Are you certain about yourself?

… Are you sure about what you want?

… Are you certain about your ability to approach women?

Wherever you have certainty in life, you feel confidence.

And assertiveness is what comes from your confidence. You can be

more firm and assertive when you know what it is you want, and

you're not willing to settle for less.

In order to exercise that confidence, we have to achieve…

***ALPHA MAN TRAIT 3) Emotional Control/Emotional Strength

Look, women are NOT attracted to men that cry on their shoulder.

They're NOT attracted to men who are always talking about their

"feelings."

Women want a man that is in control of his own emotional world.

You may hear women complain about the guy who's "not in touch with

his emotions," but the reality is that most of the guys who seem to

think they are in touch with their emotions are just PUPPETS of

their emotions.

There are really relatively few cases of guys who are strong and

emotionally controlled who just wake up one day and freak out

because their emotions had been bottled up inside them and went

thermo-nuclear.

I think a lot of 'sensitive' guys are afraid of this.

Forget about it!

You don't have to be an emotional man to be "aware" of your emotions.

Don't DENY your emotions, but don't LIVE in them, either.

First and foremost is emotional CONTROL. That's your big responsibility

as an Alpha Man.

*** BONUS ALPHA MAN EXERCISE: Do something BALLSY.

I mean do something that takes a pair of good-sized gonads.

I'm not talking about walking into Victoria's Secret with your

female friend while she buys a new bra, either.

Here are some "fake ballsy" and "REAL ballsy" activities so you

know what I mean:

FAKE ballsy: Writing a nasty comment on someone's Youtube video…

REAL ballsy: Sitting down with your friend and setting him straight

on how he's wussing out in his life…

I go on Youtube to look up good martial arts training videos, and

I'm ASTONISHED at the 3rd grade comments and flame wars that people

get into. The Internet has devolved into a cesspool of egos

battling it out for who's "right" about something.

Real balls means that you're using your character to do something

difficult that most other people wouldn't risk, because they don't

want to 'hurt someone's feelings.'

Or they don't want to 'confront' someone…

Look, we know that men are here to DO the things other people fear.

FAKE ballsy: Wearing the t-shirt of your favorite heavy metal band.

REAL ballsy: Wearing a t-shirt with "Got Dick?" on it…

True story: I had a friend named Dan in high school who came in with a

t-shirt that read, "If it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a f*ck."

He got suspended for a day or two for that. But I also remember him

doing that and secretly wishing I had the nads to be that brave.

(Oh, and the girls were talking about him for WEEKS after that.)

I got my chance a few years back when I went to a sushi place in

San Francisco and bought their t-shirt that said: "Your fish smells

like pussy."

I wore that out one day and got a lot of comments from women that I

could tell were secretly loving it – even as they were telling me

"that's not a nice t-shirt…"

Yeah. "Not-nice."

That thing that women say they don't want, but somehow always pursue.

Got me on that one, ma'am.

You see, every so often you have to break those shackles of

"political correctness" and "niceness" that has defined you.

Stop being the boring "nice guy" that makes women yawn and roll

their eyes.

Stop seeking approval. If I had chosen to go that route, I'd never

have had the opportunity to help guys like you to get the

confidence and women they want in life.

I'd have crumpled like a wet taco when the first person wrote me an

email saying he disagreed with my teachings.

(Funny, I don't get those emails anymore.)

SHOCK someone… Be different.

Ask yourself: How alive are you willing to be?

Dare to live your life on your own terms, and you'll feel a sense

of liberation and Alpha Masculinity that will open up a new world

to you.

It's the world where you get what you want – and what you deserve.

Talk to you again soon…

Your friend,

Carlos Xuma

PS: It's easy to take a message like this and nod your head in

agreement, but then go back to the same old ways…

"Forget about it," that voice in your head says. "Go back to being

happy and blissfully ignorant."

Until you run into the same challenges again and again…

Instead, why not make today different? Why not make it the day you

finally went after what YOU wanted?

REMEMBER: Either you will make yourself, or the world

will change you – against your will.

Which do you want?

In case you haven't been online for the last several months

I've been posting new workshop videos with some really powerful inner game techniques for you to use.

I just got a facebook email this morning from Rob:

"Listening to your inner game power point presentation for the second time again. Great stuff!"

Guys are really getting into the videos… and they're free!

Go check them out: CLICK HERE – Ultimate Inner Game training videos

Until Thursday, most of my new posts will be going up over on that blog, so stay tuned!

Sorry about the long wait for a post from me…

I've been busy creating some new training videos for you that you are really going to dig. I'm going to start showing you how to really develop KILLER inner game with women.

Even better, I'm going to make these new secrets and tips work in every part of your life. From handling your boss to handling those aggro guys out there, you're going to get the GOODS.

The new free videos are coming soon…

Stay tuned!

- Carlos

Have you been getting a lot of "scare" mail lately?

You know, a bunch of guys telling you that you're going to wind up

alone and crying on New Year's Eve if you don't get moving?

Well, don't let yourself be frightened. The fact is that if you

don't have a date on New Year's, you'll survive.

But you know what?

Being alone sucks.

I know first-hand on this one.

I usually don't talk a lot about this, but I spent a period of over

a year where I didn't date much or really go out a heck of a lot.

I was in an intense state of getting my life together, and I got

really focused on my inner game and self-improvement. I put the

rest of my life on the back burner.

But I'll have to admit that being without a girlfriend for that

long was not part of the plan. I got pretty miserable during that

time, too.

It was at that low point that I made a realization that really

changed my life. It was this:

The inner game of confidence and self-esteem is not just a

self-help project you do in isolation, reading books and listening

to tapes.

** You MUST improve your inner game through actual EXPERIENCE. **

And I'm not talking about any of that "trial by fire" stuff, where

you have to go out and force yourself to talk to 100 women in one

hour so you can get over your approach anxiety.

(That method does NOT work, by the way… and I'll tell you more

about why in an upcoming newsletter…)

What I mean by "experience is that you have to implement certain

"success habits" in your every day life to get your inner game on

track.

It's very often as simple as knowing that if you go out and start

doing something and keep repeating it, in the right way, you'll

create a habit that will stick.

______________________

So how did we get here?

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Ever notice how everybody makes the same tired joke at the end of

December? When we won't see someone until after January 1st, we say:

"See you next year!"

And we laugh politely… Hardy har har…

Well, this lame joke actually illustrates something very important.

We signify a BIG change happening in just ONE moment of time.

On December 31st, at 11:59 PM, we all watch the New Year

celebration. And just as the clock ticks over from 11:59 and 59

seconds to 12:00 AM, we have a whole new year.

The odometer of our life ticks over one year in just one second.

Here's something interesting to ponder:

The very second that it turns over into the new year, that same

"new year" is already starting to end.

And the new year is getting shorter every minute of every

day until the NEXT December 31st.

In other words, we don't notice the end of something until the

change is really made obvious.

More on this in a second…

New Years has come to symbolize a lot, if you think about it:

1) Excitement and hope for a new year of opportunity

2) A chance to sweep under the carpet a bunch of our mistakes…

3) A reason to drink and party…

4) A chance to make some promises to make things different THIS year.

Funny thing, though.

We usually forget or lose our enthusiasm for those "resolutions"

about 3 weeks into the year.

I've got a good friend who's in the personal training biz

at a major fitness facility. He says that most people have

given up on their new exercise habit somewhere around the

end of February.

(A lot give up WAY sooner than that…)

They don't even make it 2 months into the year before they give up

on their 'resolution'…

Back to my point about change…

A famous CEO was once asked how his company went bankrupt. He said,

"Two ways: Slowly, and then all at once."

He illustrates a very important point.

Chances are, a lot of the things you see as "urgent" in your life

right now did not become that way overnight. More than likely, it

was happening underneath your conscious level of awareness for

quite a while.

In fact, this is how most of our "bad" habits start. A little at a

time, until one day you wake up and realize:

- I'm fat!

- I'm getting old!

- I'm out of shape!

- I'm an alcoholic!

- I gotta quit smoking!

- I'm bankrupt!

The worst habit – the one that most guys usually never see because

they let their egos create a blind spot – is when their confidence

has slid to disastrously low levels.

Or, as my friend once put it, "My inner game just sucks!"

And we know that our confidence rides the waves of a woman's interest in us.

The number one confidence booster (and doubt-destroyer) in your

life is this:

ACTION.

When you are DOING something towards the goal of fixing your bad

habits, or getting yourself in shape, or actually out there

socializing, your brain can shut off the evil chatter and let you

get down to business.

Again, there are a bunch of guys telling you that you're going to

wind up alone and crying on New Year's Eve if you don't hurry up…

Well, you will survive without a date.

But does that mean you should accept that?

Should you let 2009 be another period of time where you let this

part of your life continue to go on like this?

Or do you simply want to get out there and get:

- More dates with women…

- More women to date…

- More QUALITY women in your life…

- More results across the board…?

I don't want you to have to come to that horrifying realization

that your game sucks WAY down the road.

In "Wall Street," the classic movie with Michael Douglas and

Charlie Sheen, Gordon Gecko says: "Greed is good."

Well, he's not quite right.

It's not greed.

It's healthy AMBITION.

The drive and desire to carve out a place for yourself in this

world that makes you a powerful Alpha Man.

The drive to improve yourself beyond your peers to new levels of

achievement.

The drive to make your life something that you can really be proud

of, and something that a woman will BEG to become a part of.

The drive to jack your inner game up through the roof – and beyond.

If you're ready to stop settling for second place in life, it's

time to reserve your spot in the Alpha League.

There's plenty of guys just giving out "dating advice" out there.

What sets me apart is that I show you how to make your WHOLE LIFE

into what you want it to be – with women, with your friends, with

your career, with your family… ALL OF IT.

One of the questions I get all the time is:

Why do women run from nice guys, and very often wind up in the arms

of men they complain about all the time? The "jerks"?

I struggled for years with this, thinking that these guys were the

ones messing up my game and hurting all those women, so that's all I

ended up with – damaged goods.

I finally put it all together into something that every guy out

there can relate to, though, and I want to share it with you right

now.

CLICK HERE: Learn The Secrets to Attract Women – Naturally…

Here's to a fantastic "new" year, with YOU at the controls of your

life, steering your present into a powerful and confident future…

Your Friend,

Carlos Xuma

PS: Stay tuned, there are more videos and special reports coming

soon…

CLICK HERE: Learn The Secrets to Attract Women – Naturally…

QUESTION ABOUT "DIFFICULT WOMEN":

What should I do now? You know I've been 'cocky and funny' with girls, but some of them imitate this trait and after awhile you both are in challenge!

I dont know what to do with these tough girls. How can I overcome and take her to bed. It seems to be a challenge going nowhere.

Regards

F.P., Montclaire
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Have you ever had this happen to YOU?

You've been reading your daily dose of dating advice on the Internet that tells you to be "cocky" and "funny" with a woman, and then you go out and USE that clever line on a woman… and something unexpected happens.

For example, she asks you "So what do you do for a living?"

And you say, "I'm an ass model for Calvin Klein underwear… But don't let me see you checking out my butt – off limits, honey…"

And instead of the hysterical laughter you thought you'd get, she gives you a "huh?" expression, like she's thinking, "Oh, is that so?"

And then she says, "Well, ass model, I guess you're not finding a lot of work with that, huh? That's okay, you can get cheaper drinks around the corner at the dive bar."

And then you feel humbled, but you stick in the game with her…

"Yeah, well… uh, haha… Yeah, ever since I got my butt implants taken out, I've had to settle for being Brad Pitt's ass stand in. You probably saw me in 'Legends of the Butt.'"

She says, "You sure that wasn't Anthony Hopkins' butt? Probably closer to it…"

Then you start feeling a bit warm under the collar, and you wonder if your face is starting to turn red. Did someone just turn up the heat in here?

Yeah.

SHE did.

You know why she's challenging you and being cocky and funny right back like this?

Let me tell you…

(Oh, and this is something that maybe one guy in a HUNDRED even knows.)

Look, I'll be the first guy to tell you that I've used that 'cocky & funny' routine a hundred times with women. Sometimes it works like a champ, and it's a SWEET technique to use.

But it's ultimately just another smoke screen that women see as "oh, no… here's another one of those pickup guys again…"

Stay with me here…

The reason a woman challenges you like this is because she doesn't buy your "I'm cocky and I'm a confident guy" routine.

She sees right through it and knows it's an ACT.

Sometimes she'll be difficult like this just to play along and have fun with you, but more often than not, she's really flaunting it in your face that she thinks you're just putting her on.

And she knows that if she just pushes it long enough, you'll cave in and start to crumble like a wet taco.

And that is when the sexual tension completely evaporates. You got into a battle of escalation with her, and you couldn't stay in the game.

I got into one of these with a SMOKING hot blonde at a Christmas party about 3 years ago. I have to give this woman credit – she was sharper than average, which I'm sure has led her to believe that she could out-game any guy out there she needed to.

Just a few years earlier, I would have been all jello with her and not had the slightest clue that I needed to keep the teasing up. Luckily I had been working on my inner game and I stayed right in there with her.

(I'm going to reveal what I said that got her to wave the white flag and surrender in just a second…)

Hot women toy with guys like this, not because they're mean spirited and want to stomp your ego into the gutter.

It's sport. Pure and simple.

The reality is that it's survival of the fittest out there, and she's got to know you're fit. ANY guy can memorize a few clever one-liners, but she knows that if she keeps playing with you, she'll know what you're worth.

The sad fact is that she's not laughing nearly as much WITH you as she is laughing AT you.

Especially when she sees that she's starting to win.

So you want to know what my all-purpose killer line that got that blonde to finally cave?

I said this:

"You know, this banter is pretty fun… Still, I'm wondering if you're just another one of those California blonde girls – or if you've got something else going on in there. I suspect you do… I'd like to know what it is."

BOOM.

Her expression changed in a heartbeat.

And it wasn't because of the words I said (*though, you're welcome to use them.)

It was because I said it with such a heartfelt sincerity that she could tell that I WANTED to care about her, but I needed her help in seeing why I should.

From that moment on, she became putty in my hands. I'd flipped the tables on her and put her on the stage to qualify herself to ME.

If I'd just kept up the witty banter thing, that would have gotten old. And eventually – even if I was the one with the stronger reality – she would have just felt like I was in competition with her.

Instead, I dropped the ping-pong match of "who can be funnier and wittier" and got her to get REAL with me. Drop her mask.

Be vulnerable.

The effect this has on women, by the way, is DEVASTATING…

Remember, the reality for an Alpha Man is that he's never dealing with a "tough girl." If she's tough, it's because she's putting on a front or a pretense.

I did the same thing with a woman in Vegas when I held my Alpha Immersion Seminar.

We were in the Hard Rock at the bar, and I saw this Latin woman with a gold necklace with a pendant shaped like a gun. I saw that and I knew it was "Game on!"

I went over and said hello, and then I asked her why she wore that necklace. She said it was because she hung out with some tough guys. (The guys she was with were wusses, I could see that.)

I told her this was an act. She wasn't tough. Underneath this 'tough girl' exterior, she was just another woman who needed the love of a good man.

Another of her guy friends (probably the one buying her drinks in the hopes that she will start liking him eventually) chimed in with, "No, man, she is a tough girl. You don't know her."

But I did, you see.

I know ALL women just by virtue of knowing how they think, and what they want.

All you have to do is break them down past their silly defense mechanisms and you get down to their soft centers. Yup, just like M&Ms.

If you want more information on the REAL attraction skills of a genuine Alpha Man – and that beats the "pickup artists" every single time….

Go learn the Secrets….. CLICK HERE…

I read Dan Kennedy's newsletter this morning, and once again there were some good words of wisdom for any man who feels beaten down or gloomy because of the "economy" or whatever else we have that could be a source of fear in our lives…

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The other night, on Larry King, Clinton said: “When you get beat up and knocked down, you are supposed to get up, not give up.”

American politics, business, entertainment, sports, every aspect of life is full of stories of recovery, redemption, and public forgiveness. We are generally gracious in accepting apologies. We tend to evaluate others based on the totality of their contributions, not any single events. We celebrate the comeback. This is one of the things that makes this such a terrific and remarkable place to live. Consider, in some other cultures, situations like those mentioned above require one to fall upon the sword, or banishes a person to permanent exile. Not here. Here, the only way you face permanent exile is by choice.

Know this: whether small or large, you need never accept any disappointment, loss, failure, neglect or adversity as a final outcome. If you have neglected customers in your business, lost customers’ interest can be re-ignited, collectively or individually. If you have spent rather than saved, lost time can be made up. If you have erred in some more monumental way, it is never too late to correct course, and there’s no better time to start than today. Dr. Maltz: “You are not your mistakes.

You might want to think a bit about whatever elephants you are trying to pretend aren’t in the room, whatever mistakes you’ve let be lasting that could be reversed, whatever goals ought be dusted off and renewed.

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CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

As we near 2009, I'm already planning for a bigger, better, best year.

That's all I allow into my world and my reality.

And soon I'll be revealing some of the cool stuff surrounding my latest project…

Stay tuned!

Holiday Hookups | Carlos Xuma and Scot McKay

Find out how to get a great woman to hang out with for the holidays, and what to do once you've found her. Everything from how to handle Christmas parties, gift advice, fashion, social dynamics and–of course–secrets to making New Year's Eve a blast.

If you weren't able to make the call, we've got cleanly edited copies of the latest tele-seminar available for you to download.

Scot McKay, Dean Cortez, and I gave up tips on holiday dating and how to maximize your opportunities to meet women this season, and how to kick off 2009 with the best bang of all.

Get a copy of the Holiday Hookups Tips…