Okay, so that was a pretty scary story, right? (If you missed it, please read my previous post right away…)

One of the Alpha Guys out there, Mike, wrote in with this:

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Hey Carlos!

I like your stuff…keep it up.

In this email you said:

You know what would have prevented this
nightmare from happening to Joe – and
the thousands of other men that get
caught up in insane drama like this?

It's one word:

SELECTION.

The first word that came to mind for me was "Condoms."

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CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

Thanks for your kind words, and – (chuckles)…. Yeah, I hear you, man. That's really the best start.

Don't be silly; wrap that Willy.

But I have this feeling that his girl probably led him to believe that she was already "protected."

Another guy wrote in with some less-than-appreciative words:

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As a divorced father of three I can tell you that the scenario you
describe is complete and utter bullshit.  Unless the father is a drug
addicted sex offender, no reasonable judge will deny him joint
custody.

Dude, do you really need to resort to scare tactics in
order to sell your products?

Bruce

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Here's my response to Bruce:

Bruce, this woman has been establishing precedent by use of a lawyer who has been coaching her in how to get away with this.

You know what she's doing? She's sending him letters via certified mail (to prove he got them, of course), inviting him to the doctor appointments and all the pre-natal stuff.

Okay, the guy lives on the WEST COAST, and she's on the east coast. She puts this out there knowing he can't make the appointments every week. (Yeah, sure – drop everything, pay $500 for a 5 hour flight for a bi-weekly doctor's appointment.)

She does this so that she can – in court – say "Hey, look, I invited you and included you, and you chose to not show up."

And yes, it IS working for her so far. She's playing dirty and getting away with it. (Of course, as another astute reader recognized, a condom would have been the best way to avoid it all.)

Even if it doesn't deny him joint custody, I'm sure you'd agree it's NOT a situation a man should have to go through. He's paying out the nose for a good lawyer right now, while his mother is going through treatment for cancer.

I really don't care who buys my programs – I'm here to help guys avoid these kinds of mistakes.

Hopefully I can help you out in the future…

Thanks, man…

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Something I forgot to mention to Bruce was that he was missing the point of this whole thing.

First of all – do you think this would be the first time a judge would rule "unreasonably"?

C'mon, let's not pretend that the world is "fair," guys. We're trying to be smarter than that, right? Let's break out of our naive cocoon and face reality.

Is this situation the norm? In all fairness, probably not.

But if you're out there rolling the dice, my Alpha Brothers, do you want it to come up "snake eyes" for you, or lucky sevens?

How about we put the dice away and stop taking chances. THAT is what I want to show you how to do.

And let me be clear here: I'm not ragging on women. There are just as many bad guys as bad girls in the dating pool out there. For every woman that pulls crap like this, there's a guy doing it, too. (But not in the skewed numbers that the biased media would have you believe.)

The real point is this: Do you want a good woman in your life, or find one of these "bad apples" by mistake?

Discover how to choose better here: The GTP  - How to select, startup, and sustain the kind of girlfriend – and lifestyle – you deserve…

Don't be scared – be EDUCATED!

I got some great feedback from guys on my most recent newsletter on the horror situation my friend is going through. Before I show you their responses, I'd like to share this newsletter with you…

Read on:

I have a true story for you that is going to either scare the hell out of you, or it's going to rub you wrong…

…but either way, you gotta hear this:

(Let me remind you that this is TRUE)

My friend – let's call him Joe – just got back from a trip to Manhattan a few weeks ago. While he was there, he met up with Amy – the woman he discovered online.

They were seeing each other for about two weeks.

Last Sunday, Amy called Joe and completely blindsided him. She revealed that:

1) She's pregnant.

2) She's NEVER going to let him raise their child.

3) Because Joe makes more than she does, and the wicked laws of New York state are pretty clear about this, she wants him to pay for everything…

For a child Joe will probably never even get to see.

Oh, and if it wasn't obvious:

4) She's breaking up with him.

WOW…

Now Joe's going to live out the rest of his life knowing he can never be a part of his child's life…

..and has 18 years of paying child support for the 'privilege.'

Oh, sure, he's got himself a lawyer, but the fact is that the courts will favor the mom. Especially if she's been planning this for a while.

Could this tragedy have been avoided?

YES.

You know what would have prevented this nightmare from happening to Joe – and the thousands of other men that get caught up in insane drama like this?

It's one word:

SELECTION.

Knowing what to look for – and AVOID – in women before you get caught up in this kind of living hell. THAT will save you…

How to attract and keep the right woman for you – and never lose her…

______________________

CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

Now, that bit of truth stirred up quite a few responses.

Read on to the next post to see what they said…

QUESTION FROM A READER:

This has been mentioned many many times; THANK YOU for sharing your many insights and experiences. I cannot properly convey how much it has changed my life…

When I first started, I was only interested in the pick-up process. Then I found myself getting increasingly agitated and angry as I went through the material; due to realizing that, throughout my entire life, I have been fed all the b*llsh*t from hollywood, the media and society about attraction and my role as a MAN.

Carlos, your program is not just about women and sex (to put it crudely), but it is the best self-help material for men! And the male race desperately need this help!

We are misled to believe that we are stuck to choose between a limited selection of polarized roles: 1. the 'nice guy' who constantly ask for permission and apologizes; 2. the 'jerk' who treats everyone with disrespect; 3. the famous rockstar / rich playboy.

I have personally seen men fall prey to this categorization time and again, and they come out the other end far from being fulfilled. Keep up the work you are doing because you are an inspiration to our generation of men!

On to my question:

I have been seeing this girl on a regular basis (about once a week) for a few months now. Early on, I have told her that I am not yet looking for a serious relationship and hinted that I am ok with her seeing other people (which I don't think she is, as far as I can tell). I find us to be very compatible; we have totally different taste in music, movies, cuisine and friends, but we have the same sense of humour and sense of the subtleties.

She does not play emotional games, has no drama and most importantly, knows how to play her role as a woman and lets me play my role as a man. The same cannot be said for the other women I have dated over the past months.

Lately, I have sensed that she wants something more stable and exclusive (she has not expressed it verbally), but I am not ready as I have only started building my game for a few months and would like to play the field more.

Yet, I have to admit that I feel a little guilty when I approach other women lately, like I am cheating. My question is: Do I rationalize my guilt and continue to go out meeting other women? Or do I put my approach game on-hold and start looking at building my inner game from within a relationship?

Also, I remember you said that "We can just keep dating without getting into a relationship." Question is, how long can we keep it in this state of ambiguity? Or is there another way to look at this situation?

Thanks for everything man.

Johnny.

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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Thanks for your email!

You pose an interesting question that I know most would-be pickup artists have asked themselves.

I'd say that you could go either way right now – You could put other things on hold to pursue this woman as an exclusive relationship, or you could find that you still need to date around.

The problem is, if you don't feel that you want it, you shouldn't commit to it.

You see, your sense of self-esteem and confidence is ultimately built on your foundation of trust. I'm talking about your level of trust you have INSIDE YOU. If you can't trust yourself, your entire world is an earthquake waiting to happen.

If you know you don't want a woman full-time, then it's your duty to not make things seem any more committed than they already are. The fact is that the less you appear to want to have a relationship, the more this girl you have probably will. It's my Law of Inverse Interest.

Most guys wouldn't admit this, but we are actually MORE likely to keep a girl on the side for an emotional cushion. It's kind of like an insurance policy against rejection, right?

Whatever your choice is, it must come from the part of you that makes the decision that is best for YOU – not from a place that is afraid of loss, or being afraid of what other people think.

Make sense?

I think that would be the best start – figure out where YOU are and what you want right now. If you don't want a relationship, you must come to terms with the fact that this woman will eventually become more and more insecure as your relationship lacks the boundaries that she needs to feel safe and secure. In which case, you may have to move on.

It is tempting once you start to get good at this stuff to keep playing the field. It's an addiction, in a way.

But eventually, even guys want to find ONE good woman to make something that works.

I have a saying: You have to date a lot of women to know which woman is the ONLY woman.

It sounds like this woman is a good catch. You want to take a good hard look at this before you move on, too.

Best of luck!

I realize that the whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing has gotten a bit old in some circles, but I feel the need to expose some of the ridiculous "controversy" over John Gray's information.

I'm not the biggest fan of his work, but I do respect that – on the whole he understands masculine and feminine gender roles fairly well.

What drives me up a wall are all these people who "think" way more than they feel, and believe that we can intellectually re-define relationships and attraction based on our anger and imagined injustices supposedly created by "oppressive masculine institutions."

Many of the critics are those people who want to rush to classify what he's teaching as "anti-feminist" and therefore quickly push the concept of emotional reality right out of the picture.

Here's what one of those critics of his work had to say on her web site:

This page is exclusively for the critical review and analysis of the enormously popular (as puzzling as that may be) self-help book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships (New York: HarperCollins, 1992). Despite its promotional hype, at its very core it is a sexist, patronizing, male-centered invective which does little more than perpetuate long-held negative gender stereotypes. Infomercials, popular magazines, the existence of a WWW site, television appearances and published spin-offs by the author, John Gray, have made this book appear undisputed in its broad claim to improve communication between men and women. Unassailable it is not and thus there is a very sincere need to rebut the arguments put forth by John Gray.

Intelligent discussion concerning John Gray's methods is needed outside the realm of TV talk, four-minute interviews, biased infomercials and various women's and on-line magazines. The intent is not to make ad hominen attacks on the author, but to seriously question his point of view and the advice advanced in his publications. "Success stories" notwithstanding, Gray's advice, and the methods he uses to promote it, poses more troubling questions than those it professes to answer. Please accept this invitation to read through The Rebuttal and share your point of view.

CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

Well, the puzzling is not so puzzling as this author would have it.

The reason his views are popular (in my belief) is because he respects and understands that MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT.

We are NOT alike (equal, but not alike), and we have differences that complement each other by virtue of understanding them. The unfortunate thing is that in this mad quest for "political correctness" (i.e., trying not to hurt other people's feelings) and "equality," we've lost sight of the NATURAL aspects of us.

(I saw one author argue that we should discount gender roles because they're not what make up our identity. Can you think of ANYTHING that defines who you are more than your gender?)

Men and women simply are not meant to behave the same. And when we try to pretend (with our big "brains") that simply because our logical brain wants something, we'll always be very disappointed when our emotional brain wins the hand – as it does every time.

The western world (which is fast becoming the World) does not respect emotions as a way of "thinking."

Remember: Attraction is not a choice.

In my experience, those people who are solely motivated to counter a different point of view (in this case, just to discredit and attack John Gray's material) – these people feel a sense of intellectual frustration and anger at not having reconciled for themselves what does make relationships work.

The relationships that work long term are those that understand the roles of masculinity and femininity within the relationship – and RESPECT those traits. Not fight them.

And – contrarily – I have yet to see a relationship founded on the "new version" of gender roles (i.e., that both people lead in all areas of the relationship – that did not have a distinctly false aura of partnership to it.

In other words, they always seemed a bit like they were in a business partnership rather than a loving and caring relationship.

The funny thing is that in almost every successful family, the man is the "patriarch" of the family, but we always know that the woman is the effective leader in just as many decisions by virtue of her feminine leadership – which doesn't mean a big power struggle over who "wears the pants."

Women who grew up with good feminine role models – and were secure in their own gender identity – rarely had an issue with this. Yeah, the dad was the law, but mom was the one who made things run behind the scenes. I call these the Alpha Matriarchs.

Now, I hate to speak in generalities, and I don't want to come across as some old-school dinosaur…

I'm not arguing for some misogynist family structure – only that we stop looking at traditional family structures as being flawed in some major way. I see many more flaws in today's family structure, where neither boys nor girls are learning what it means to be their own sexual best.

And yet, as I always say, I must speak my mind – even if my voice shakes.

What do you think?

Well, now that the launch craziness is over for Ultimate Inner Game, I can get back into sending you some of the other weekly tidbits that I run across from day to day.

(By the way, if you haven't seen it, today is the last day of the launch special for Ultimate Inner Game. You can find more information out here: Ultimate Inner Game )

Here's an interesting article I saw that I'd share with you. This is advice for women, but having this kind of intel always helps us, doesn't it?

And while the advice is simple and cut-throat, I have to admire them for not giving advice for trying to change the guy. That's even worse…

The advice is really simple: if a person isn't what you want, you need to move on.

ABUNDANCE – Not scarcity.

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Women: Five Men You Should Avoid Dating

The Mamma's Boy
This guy probably lives with his mother, if not close enough for her to pop in for tea (every night). She will have helped him pick out his decor and there will be photos of her all over his apartment. He goes for Sunday dinner and has several cartons of homemade meals in the refrigerator that mom made for him.

Why you should stay away: You will never live up to his mother and although he will love and cherish you forever he will take his mother's side every time.

How to get rid of him: Tell him you don't like his mother

The Body Builder
This guy will have photos of himself on every available space, along with his own home gym (even though he has a life time membership at the swanky one in town). He has all the latest gadgets and home entertainment systems.

Why you should stay away: You will never see him as he is always down at the gym. He will spend more time in the bathroom then you. He collects trophies and likes one hanging off his arm.

How to get rid of him: Tell him to give up the gym for you.

The Womanizer
This guy will treat you like a princess and is the perfect lover. He dresses well and is out to impress and impress he will (every woman he comes in contact with). He will, of course, have trouble remembering your name, with all the women he has on the go.

Why You should stay away: His excuses for not showing up are getting more pathetic. You will have to compete with his phone as he has so many calls to return and text messages to answer.

How to get rid of him: Tell him, "I use to be a man."

The Workaholic
This man is going places, but will he be taking you with him? He is smartly dressed, has great taste in decor and eats at the finest restaurants. However, his work will always come first.

Why you should stay away: You have to make an appointment to see him. He will take you to elegant dinner parties then leave you with strangers while he talks shop.

How to get rid of him: Tell him, "I’m taking a year off to travel. Do you want to come?"

Your College Lecturer
He is probably older than you, more worldly and gets you a good grade.

Why you should stay away: If anyone found out about you, they would say you slept your way to better grades. Plus, he would lose his job and possibly his teaching position.

How to get rid of him: Tell him somebody is blackmailing you and if you don’t stop seeing him, they are going to report you.

Of course, there are exceptions. For example, if "the body builder" knows how to give you the same type of attention he gives his body then this could potentially be a good thing (as long as you can handle other women trying to pick up on him). And if you are a workaholic that has no plans of changing then being in a relationship with another workaholic will allow the two of you to focus more on your careers while hopefully having some focus left for each other. If "mamma's boy" mom loves you and you can get the same focus from the man as his mom gives then just maybe… it's a stretch. Remember, it's doubtful any of these men will change so it's best not to try and change them.

A good approach to take in wanting out of one of these relationships is to be honest. This may gain more respect. Tell "mamma's boy" that he's too focused on his mom. Tell the womanizer that you only have room in your life for a man that only has room for you. It's doubtful that they'll change, but at least they'll know the real reason you don't want to pursue a relationship.

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CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

What do you think?

I think they're missing out on a bunch of other people to avoid.

What kind of women should men avoid?

How Do You Give Gifts to Women?

I get a lot of guys asking me how to give women gifts.

In my latest special report, I'll answer these questions:

• What types of presents should be given at the beginning of a relationship that the man hopes to be a serious, lasting love? (and what not to give!)

• What signs should a man look out for to know what present to give? How do you interpret her signals…?

• Is there a time when you really shouldn't give a woman a gift?

And more!

Go read my article on this here:

How to Give Women Gifts