This has been mentioned many many times; THANK YOU for sharing your many insights and experiences. I cannot properly convey how much it has changed my life…
When I first started, I was only interested in the pick-up process. Then I found myself getting increasingly agitated and angry as I went through the material; due to realizing that, throughout my entire life, I have been fed all the b*llsh*t from hollywood, the media and society about attraction and my role as a MAN.
Carlos, your program is not just about women and sex (to put it crudely), but it is the best self-help material for men! And the male race desperately need this help!
We are misled to believe that we are stuck to choose between a limited selection of polarized roles: 1. the 'nice guy' who constantly ask for permission and apologizes; 2. the 'jerk' who treats everyone with disrespect; 3. the famous rockstar / rich playboy.
I have personally seen men fall prey to this categorization time and again, and they come out the other end far from being fulfilled. Keep up the work you are doing because you are an inspiration to our generation of men!
On to my question:
I have been seeing this girl on a regular basis (about once a week) for a few months now. Early on, I have told her that I am not yet looking for a serious relationship and hinted that I am ok with her seeing other people (which I don't think she is, as far as I can tell). I find us to be very compatible; we have totally different taste in music, movies, cuisine and friends, but we have the same sense of humour and sense of the subtleties.
She does not play emotional games, has no drama and most importantly, knows how to play her role as a woman and lets me play my role as a man. The same cannot be said for the other women I have dated over the past months.
Lately, I have sensed that she wants something more stable and exclusive (she has not expressed it verbally), but I am not ready as I have only started building my game for a few months and would like to play the field more.
Yet, I have to admit that I feel a little guilty when I approach other women lately, like I am cheating. My question is: Do I rationalize my guilt and continue to go out meeting other women? Or do I put my approach game on-hold and start looking at building my inner game from within a relationship?
Also, I remember you said that "We can just keep dating without getting into a relationship." Question is, how long can we keep it in this state of ambiguity? Or is there another way to look at this situation?
Thanks for everything man.
Johnny.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Thanks for your email!
You pose an interesting question that I know most would-be pickup artists have asked themselves.
I'd say that you could go either way right now – You could put other things on hold to pursue this woman as an exclusive relationship, or you could find that you still need to date around.
The problem is, if you don't feel that you want it, you shouldn't commit to it.
You see, your sense of self-esteem and confidence is ultimately built on your foundation of trust. I'm talking about your level of trust you have INSIDE YOU. If you can't trust yourself, your entire world is an earthquake waiting to happen.
If you know you don't want a woman full-time, then it's your duty to not make things seem any more committed than they already are. The fact is that the less you appear to want to have a relationship, the more this girl you have probably will. It's my Law of Inverse Interest.
Most guys wouldn't admit this, but we are actually MORE likely to keep a girl on the side for an emotional cushion. It's kind of like an insurance policy against rejection, right?
Whatever your choice is, it must come from the part of you that makes the decision that is best for YOU – not from a place that is afraid of loss, or being afraid of what other people think.
Make sense?
I think that would be the best start – figure out where YOU are and what you want right now. If you don't want a relationship, you must come to terms with the fact that this woman will eventually become more and more insecure as your relationship lacks the boundaries that she needs to feel safe and secure. In which case, you may have to move on.
It is tempting once you start to get good at this stuff to keep playing the field. It's an addiction, in a way.
But eventually, even guys want to find ONE good woman to make something that works.
I have a saying: You have to date a lot of women to know which woman is the ONLY woman.
It sounds like this woman is a good catch. You want to take a good hard look at this before you move on, too.
I realize that the whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing has gotten a bit old in some circles, but I feel the need to expose some of the ridiculous "controversy" over John Gray's information.
I'm not the biggest fan of his work, but I do respect that – on the whole he understands masculine and feminine gender roles fairly well.
What drives me up a wall are all these people who "think" way more than they feel, and believe that we can intellectually re-define relationships and attraction based on our anger and imagined injustices supposedly created by "oppressive masculine institutions."
Many of the critics are those people who want to rush to classify what he's teaching as "anti-feminist" and therefore quickly push the concept of emotional reality right out of the picture.
Here's what one of those critics of his work had to say on her web site:
This page is exclusively for the critical review and analysis of the enormously popular (as puzzling as that may be) self-help book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships (New York: HarperCollins, 1992). Despite its promotional hype, at its very core it is a sexist, patronizing, male-centered invective which does little more than perpetuate long-held negative gender stereotypes. Infomercials, popular magazines, the existence of a WWW site, television appearances and published spin-offs by the author, John Gray, have made this book appear undisputed in its broad claim to improve communication between men and women. Unassailable it is not and thus there is a very sincere need to rebut the arguments put forth by John Gray.
Intelligent discussion concerning John Gray's methods is needed outside the realm of TV talk, four-minute interviews, biased infomercials and various women's and on-line magazines. The intent is not to make ad hominen attacks on the author, but to seriously question his point of view and the advice advanced in his publications. "Success stories" notwithstanding, Gray's advice, and the methods he uses to promote it, poses more troubling questions than those it professes to answer. Please accept this invitation to read through The Rebuttal and share your point of view.
CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:
Well, the puzzling is not so puzzling as this author would have it.
The reason his views are popular (in my belief) is because he respects and understands that MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT.
We are NOT alike (equal, but not alike), and we have differences that complement each other by virtue of understanding them. The unfortunate thing is that in this mad quest for "political correctness" (i.e., trying not to hurt other people's feelings) and "equality," we've lost sight of the NATURAL aspects of us.
(I saw one author argue that we should discount gender roles because they're not what make up our identity. Can you think of ANYTHING that defines who you are more than your gender?)
Men and women simply are not meant to behave the same. And when we try to pretend (with our big "brains") that simply because our logical brain wants something, we'll always be very disappointed when our emotional brain wins the hand – as it does every time.
The western world (which is fast becoming the World) does not respect emotions as a way of "thinking."
Remember: Attraction is not a choice.
In my experience, those people who are solely motivated to counter a different point of view (in this case, just to discredit and attack John Gray's material) – these people feel a sense of intellectual frustration and anger at not having reconciled for themselves what does make relationships work.
The relationships that work long term are those that understand the roles of masculinity and femininity within the relationship – and RESPECT those traits. Not fight them.
And – contrarily – I have yet to see a relationship founded on the "new version" of gender roles (i.e., that both people lead in all areas of the relationship – that did not have a distinctly false aura of partnership to it.
In other words, they always seemed a bit like they were in a business partnership rather than a loving and caring relationship.
The funny thing is that in almost every successful family, the man is the "patriarch" of the family, but we always know that the woman is the effective leader in just as many decisions by virtue of her feminine leadership – which doesn't mean a big power struggle over who "wears the pants."
Women who grew up with good feminine role models – and were secure in their own gender identity – rarely had an issue with this. Yeah, the dad was the law, but mom was the one who made things run behind the scenes. I call these the Alpha Matriarchs.
Now, I hate to speak in generalities, and I don't want to come across as some old-school dinosaur…
I'm not arguing for some misogynist family structure – only that we stop looking at traditional family structures as being flawed in some major way. I see many more flaws in today's family structure, where neither boys nor girls are learning what it means to be their own sexual best.
And yet, as I always say, I must speak my mind – even if my voice shakes.
Well, now that the launch craziness is over for Ultimate Inner Game, I can get back into sending you some of the other weekly tidbits that I run across from day to day.
(By the way, if you haven't seen it, today is the last day of the launch special for Ultimate Inner Game. You can find more information out here: Ultimate Inner Game )
Here's an interesting article I saw that I'd share with you. This is advice for women, but having this kind of intel always helps us, doesn't it?
And while the advice is simple and cut-throat, I have to admire them for not giving advice for trying to change the guy. That's even worse…
The advice is really simple: if a person isn't what you want, you need to move on.
ABUNDANCE – Not scarcity.
______________________
Women: Five Men You Should Avoid Dating
The Mamma's Boy This guy probably lives with his mother, if not close enough for her to pop in for tea (every night). She will have helped him pick out his decor and there will be photos of her all over his apartment. He goes for Sunday dinner and has several cartons of homemade meals in the refrigerator that mom made for him.
Why you should stay away: You will never live up to his mother and although he will love and cherish you forever he will take his mother's side every time.
How to get rid of him: Tell him you don't like his mother
The Body Builder
This guy will have photos of himself on every available space, along with his own home gym (even though he has a life time membership at the swanky one in town). He has all the latest gadgets and home entertainment systems.
Why you should stay away: You will never see him as he is always down at the gym. He will spend more time in the bathroom then you. He collects trophies and likes one hanging off his arm.
How to get rid of him: Tell him to give up the gym for you.
The Womanizer
This guy will treat you like a princess and is the perfect lover. He dresses well and is out to impress and impress he will (every woman he comes in contact with). He will, of course, have trouble remembering your name, with all the women he has on the go.
Why You should stay away: His excuses for not showing up are getting more pathetic. You will have to compete with his phone as he has so many calls to return and text messages to answer.
How to get rid of him: Tell him, "I use to be a man."
The Workaholic
This man is going places, but will he be taking you with him? He is smartly dressed, has great taste in decor and eats at the finest restaurants. However, his work will always come first.
Why you should stay away: You have to make an appointment to see him. He will take you to elegant dinner parties then leave you with strangers while he talks shop.
How to get rid of him: Tell him, "I’m taking a year off to travel. Do you want to come?"
Your College Lecturer
He is probably older than you, more worldly and gets you a good grade.
Why you should stay away: If anyone found out about you, they would say you slept your way to better grades. Plus, he would lose his job and possibly his teaching position.
How to get rid of him: Tell him somebody is blackmailing you and if you don’t stop seeing him, they are going to report you.
Of course, there are exceptions. For example, if "the body builder" knows how to give you the same type of attention he gives his body then this could potentially be a good thing (as long as you can handle other women trying to pick up on him). And if you are a workaholic that has no plans of changing then being in a relationship with another workaholic will allow the two of you to focus more on your careers while hopefully having some focus left for each other. If "mamma's boy" mom loves you and you can get the same focus from the man as his mom gives then just maybe… it's a stretch. Remember, it's doubtful any of these men will change so it's best not to try and change them.
A good approach to take in wanting out of one of these relationships is to be honest. This may gain more respect. Tell "mamma's boy" that he's too focused on his mom. Tell the womanizer that you only have room in your life for a man that only has room for you. It's doubtful that they'll change, but at least they'll know the real reason you don't want to pursue a relationship.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:
What do you think?
I think they're missing out on a bunch of other people to avoid.
Does it ever feel like no matter what you say to a woman, you just can't say the right thing?
Do you ever have problems understanding what women are saying to you?
I always wished I had a guide to understanding women. It would have made my life SO much simpler. Just a short 100 page paperback that explained the basics so I knew what I was dealing with. I could have kept it in my back pocket and whipped it out when I needed it.
Go read my latest article and Guide to Understanding Women, and learn how to understand women and what they're really saying.
After I have studied the art of seduction for some time with your newsletters and such to create choice in my life when it comes to women.
But lately I found myself… I shouldn't even be writing this because it feels plain stupid to me…
But here it goes.. Is there, when it comes to women, something called "too much choice"?
______________________ CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Yes, that happens from time to time. It's what's known as a "high quality problem."
In other words, of all the problems you can have, it's a good one.
Other guys hate you, by the way.
Best of luck with that horrible situation you have… Maybe I should stop writing my newsletters and ebooks, and stop creating all this choice in other guys' lives.
Hmmm….
Once you reach this happy place, you will find that you have a new problem: Finding a QUALITY woman.
That's why I teach you how to enjoy your abundance, and find the high quality girls out there.
Meet women you want to be with for more than one night.
I always have to chuckle when I see guys on dating and seduction techniques forums say this…
There are no secrets!
You can find everything you need for free online!
And so on…
When it comes to sharing or developing a solid skill and expertise, there will always be those people who believe that every piece of knowledge or discovery is already known by other guys. These are the same people that think that every bit of information can be found easily (and accurately) on the internet. So they don't believe that they have to invest in coaching, buying a training program, etc.
There are A LOT of extremely valuable techniques and information that isn't ‘publicly’ known. New discoveries are made everyday.
Anyone that thinks they know it all in ANY area of expertise – especially dating advice and seduction techniques – has their head in their butt.
Everyone needs to continue to strive to learn more about not only dating techniques and skills, but our individual areas of passion and interest.
As far as “secrets” are concerned, this is a different story. The word “secrets” has, and probably always will be, one of the most powerful words in the history of copywriting.
And this is the reason that this word is often used to describe valuable information and is a popular choice to use in book and course titles. i.e. my own program: Secrets of the Alpha Man.
I know plenty of guys out there that have more lines and routines and clever scripts to use than any guru. Some of them are amazing.
Yet these guys aren't successful with women. Why?
Because they don't know how all the pieces fit together into the big picture. They struggle all the time. They end up feeling bitter and thinking that the seduction techniques don’t actually work — or at least as well as some guys say they do.
The problem is simple… they know or have all the puzzle pieces, they just don’t know what to do with them.
Even if every piece of knowledge and information was being freely discussed on the Web, from articles to seduction forums to blogs, etc., the information itself is essentially worthless.
That's right.
WORTHLESS.
When it comes to dating tips for guys and the seduction techniques that get women interested in you, whether it's a new opinion opener, or a great routine stack, or a new "kiss close…"
The only thing that matters is your STRATEGY.
The way you put all these disparate elements together into one cohesive whole is the most important part of your skills with women.
You see, most guys get addicted to the information itself.
They think, "If I just collect enough routines and lines and openers, I'll have an answer to every test a woman throws at me! Buwaahahahahahaha!"
If you've managed to memorize all the responses for everything a woman throws at you, I want you to email me right away. I will personally call you up and I want to interview you.
I'm serious.
You see, techniques are necessary, but they're not the goal.
That's why my programs are not just about the tactics and seduction techniques.
Sure, I'm going to give you fun things to say as examples, but the guys that REALLY get this information and use it in the STRATEGY that I provide will multiply their results by a hundred times.
So remember that information is not power.
In fact, it's only potential power.
The greatest men of history used STRATEGY to win, not technique.
"I'm not even trying hard... just in the last hour, I've had two women who have become very friendly with me...you are the man! Your information has radically changed the way I think... by the way I'm 48 years old, so this is really cool!"
- Sean
