Online Dating Story… This one is a nightmare.

Guys, let this be a lesson to you: It's pretty easy to beat the masses out there, especially if they're like this poor woman's tale of tragedy:

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I first placed on online personals ad in January 1999. Never met anyone from it – I had lots of personal baggage I had to get rid of first, but it was a good way to get my feet wet. By May/June, I was starting to get back into the swing of real-life dating.

Jen, my best friend, had just started seeing a guy she had met online, and was really happy about it, so I decided to give it another shot. I placed the ad and most of the people who responded lived really far away – the other side of the state, if not Turkey or Sri Lanka.

So, one guy who seemed nice (liked Seinfeld, could type and spell well enough) wrote and we chatted online for about a week when he asked for my phone number. Ah… what could it hurt? We chatted a few days and he asked if I wanted to meet him. Asked? It was more like begging. I was a bit reluctant, but I eventually agreed.

I should add here that (bad judgment on my part) this guy was on WebTV and couldn't send a picture. He described himself as a "Tall, athletic, blonde." Now, we all know that that could describe anyone from Fabio to Larry Bird, but he assured me he was no Larry Bird. He actually said he looked like Rick Schroder.

Alas, when the meeting did finally happen, he did not look like Rick Schroder. He confessed that he hadn't been told he looked like him since Silver Spoons was on the air! Somehow this "tall athletic blonde" was shorter than me… in my platform sandals, I was probably 5'8.

And athletic? Maybe if chess is a sport, because I don't think his spindly arms could really lift anything heavier than a pawn. But his less-than-advertised looks weren't what worried me. It was that… SMELL. The boy had the WORST breath I had ever smelled in my life. Roadkill breath.

But that wasn't all. His personality seemed… different. He kept talking about sex, boobs, girls on tv that had nice boobs, and celebrity women I looked like. Courtney Cox, Elizabeth Hurley, Sandra Bullock, Fran Drescher, Sigorney Weaver!?! And I don't look a bit like ANY of them. Dark hair and thin. That was the only similarity.

Oh, and I can't forget that he brought photo albums with him, with pictures of his ex-girlfriends. It was as if he were presenting a resume – "Look, other pretty girls have gone out with me!" He was *really* hung up on this girl he used to date from Germany, too. I mean really, really, really hung up on her. And you know… I didn't really need to know her cup size and her preference for going braless.

He wanted to know if we were going steady now. Going steady? After one date? Even if he wasn't a smelly creep, I wouldn't "go steady" that soon. I tried being nice and said I wasn't interested in a serious relationship right now. He explained that his last girlfriend moved in with him after their first date. Uh… ok. Now why couldn't you have mentioned any of this – the possessiveness, the obsession with celebrity boobs, the SMELL – before I agreed to meet you?

So, it was finally time for me to skee-dattle. I had to get away from that smell! He asked for a kiss. I said, "No, I don't kiss on a first date." That was a lie. I should have said I don't kiss on a LAST date. He asked for a hug… I went to hug him and… the bastard tried to grab one of my boobs! Luckily, I have the reflexes of the Karate Kid – Wax-on/Wax-off. (Which I'm sure he did later.) I said something to the effect of "What the hell are you doing?!" and he replied, "Well, you can't blame me for trying!" I said, "Yes, I sure can!" hopped in my car and sped off.

The NEXT day, Mr. Stinky Breath e-mailed me saying what a wonderful time he had and how beautiful I am and how much he looks forward to seeing me again. I shoot him back a surprisingly cordial e-mail saying that while I had fun with him, there just wasn't any chemistry. This got Stinky Breath angry — he wrote back a bunch of e-mails saying that I was stupid and ugly and that sort of thing.

He also wrote, "The ideal woman is one who is attractive and intelligent, but doesn't know she is." HUH?! So, in other words, his ideal woman is one who is insecure. That clears things up a lot. Thanks.

About two weeks later, he e-mailed telling me he gave my e-mail address to a friend – maybe he'd have better luck with me. What the f*** am I? A Rubick's Cube? Stinky Breath couldn't figure me out so maybe his friend could? I don't think so! I wrote him back lamb-basting him and saying that he had BETTER not have given his friend my primary address. Didn't hear from him or his friend.

About two months later, Stinky Breath sent me a response to my next personal ad, saying something like, "Hey Lori, remember me? I'm the tall blonde from the Poconos who wasn't quite good enough for you…"

Arrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhh!

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CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

Now, it's not that this guy's looks were the problem…

It was the whole package.

But I'd sure love to hear what you guys think were the cumulative mistakes he made along the way.

And post your comments about any freaky experiences you've had.

Remember – there are no bad experiences. Only great stories!

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