{"id":353,"date":"2013-02-07T13:28:00","date_gmt":"2013-02-07T13:28:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.carlosxuma.com\/newsstand\/?p=353"},"modified":"2013-02-07T13:28:00","modified_gmt":"2013-02-07T13:28:00","slug":"the-3-most-spectacularly-bad-dating-tips-for-guys","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.carlosxuma.com\/newsstand\/miscellaneous-dating-tips-for-guys\/the-3-most-spectacularly-bad-dating-tips-for-guys\/","title":{"rendered":"The 3 Most Spectacularly Bad Dating Tips For Guys"},"content":{"rendered":"

Over the 10+ years I’ve been a dating coach for men, I’ve heard some\u00a0really incredibly\u00a0BAD\u00a0advice<\/strong>. On\u00a0the surface most of the tips you read out there\u00a0SOUND<\/strong>\u00a0good at first, but you quickly realize just how\u00a0ineffective they are when you actually try to use them.<\/p>\n

I’m going to cover three of these bad dating tips for you here, and I’ll do my best to set the record straight\u00a0so you never fall into one of these traps…<\/p>\n

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Bad Dating Tip #1<\/strong>: “Just Be Confident<\/strong>.”<\/p>\n

Really? Are you kidding me?<\/p>\n

I wish I was kidding about this, but it’s one of the most common bits of advice out there that you’re likely to\u00a0hear. It’s usually a woman giving this advice, mind you.<\/p>\n

The conversation might go something like this:<\/p>\n

HIM<\/strong>: “I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I mean, geez, I can’t seem to get any dates. Carrie, what\u00a0do women want?”<\/p>\n

HER<\/strong>: “Just be confident.”<\/p>\n

(sounds of crickets)<\/p>\n

That’s like saying,\u00a0“Just be Brad Pitt.<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

Or “Just do it<\/strong>.” (Sorry, Nike.)<\/p>\n

It just makes the person saying it\u00a0look all smart and cool<\/strong>\u00a0for saying it.<\/p>\n

It’s what I call “meta” advice. This is advice that, at its core, is true. But is so\u00a0non-specific and devoid of\u00a0any practical strategy<\/strong>\u00a0that it’s\u00a0completely worthless to use<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Actually, it’s less than worthless because if you believe “just be confident” and start to follow that advice\u00a0blindly, you will probably make some epic mistakes that have nothing to do with your confidence<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

But guess what?<\/p>\n

BECAUSE<\/strong>\u00a0you were trying to be confident, the failures you experience without a clear road map wreck\u00a0what little confidence you’ve actually got.<\/p>\n

And you end up completely destroying your ability to attract women in the process.<\/p>\n

Confidence is also a bit of a mind-game<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

I mean, what is confidence? How do you measure it?<\/p>\n

The fact is that when you have confidence, you don’t sit around thinking about all the confidence you’ve\u00a0got. You just go\u00a0DO<\/strong>\u00a0the thing you want to do. Your level of confidence doesn’t even occur to you.<\/p>\n

So the only thing that really\u00a0DOES<\/strong>\u00a0exist is ‘NO confidence<\/strong>.’ Or a\u00a0LACK of confidence<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Because that’s something you\u00a0FEEL<\/strong>. Like a punch to the gut or a kick to the balls.<\/p>\n

It’s that voice in your head that tries to talk you out of anything you want to do – implanting fear in your\u00a0mind like a cloaked assassin waiting to strike.<\/p>\n

And when you work on your confidence so you can “just be confident,”\u00a0you end up focusing so much on\u00a0your confidence that you talk yourself out of it<\/strong>. It’s like being so keenly aware of the zit on your nose that\u00a0you freak yourself out.<\/p>\n

When race car drivers learn how to take a curve, they’re instructed to never\u00a0EVER<\/strong>\u00a0focus on the wall\u00a0they’re trying to avoid, only focus on the line they want to follow on the track. Because once they start to\u00a0think “avoid the wall – avoid the wall…”<\/p>\n

BLAMMMM!<\/p>\n

They hit it.<\/p>\n

So stop focusing on your confidence<\/strong>. That’s not the answer, even if women are technically correct in\u00a0saying that it’s something they want.<\/p>\n

When they say this, what they really mean is this:<\/p>\n

“Don’t act so freaking weird about starting a conversation. Just act normal, and relax<\/strong>.”<\/p>\n

Because there is no such thing as “acting confident” or “being confident.”<\/p>\n

As\u00a0Yoda<\/strong>\u00a0said, “Do or do not. There is no try<\/strong>.”<\/p>\n

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Bad Dating Tip #2<\/strong>:\u00a0“Just be yourself and everything will work out<\/strong>.”<\/p>\n

Okay, here we go again with another bit of “Meta” advice. Where you’re told to just “BE<\/strong>” something\u00a0without one bit of actionable advice on\u00a0HOW<\/strong>\u00a0to be that thing.<\/p>\n

In this case, it’s\u00a0BE<\/strong>\u00a0yourself.<\/p>\n

Really?<\/p>\n

No shit.<\/p>\n

The fact is that you’re always “being yourself.” Even when you’re trying out a pickup line or some routine\u00a0you learn, you’re being yourself. In fact, unless you’re an incredibly talented actor, people always see\u00a0through to the real you.<\/p>\n

I remember watching one of the James Bond movies with Pierce Brosnan. Madonna played a supporting\u00a0role of a fencing instructor.<\/p>\n

Now I wasn’t sure what it is about her that rubs me wrong as an actress, but when I saw Madonna in that\u00a0movie, I realized what it was.<\/p>\n

She’s so aware of herself that all she can do is broadcast “Hey! Look at me! I’m Madonna! Acting in a\u00a0movie!”<\/p>\n

Which is the essence of a crappy actor. They\u00a0KNOW<\/strong>\u00a0they’re acting.<\/p>\n

The best actors\u00a0LOSE<\/strong>\u00a0themselves in their role. In fact, you could say they actually\u00a0BECOME<\/strong>\u00a0the person\u00a0they portray. Look at actors\u00a0like\u00a0Al Pacino in “Scarface<\/strong>,” or\u00a0Tom Hanks in “Forrest Gump<\/strong>.”<\/p>\n

Or\u00a0Keanu Reeves in “Point Break<\/strong>.”<\/p>\n

Sorry, that last one was complete bullshit…<\/p>\n

Anyway, you get my point.<\/p>\n

Even when you think you’re being fake, people still see the\u00a0REAL<\/strong>\u00a0you.<\/p>\n

So the point isn’t that you should just do or say whatever comes into your panicked brain when you walk\u00a0up to a woman. That’s not “being yourself.”<\/p>\n

Be yourself means that you shouldn’t work so hard to project that you’re someone you’re not<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Stop trying so hard, is what she’s really saying.<\/p>\n

This goes hand-in-hand with the whole confidence thing. When you’re\u00a0TRYING<\/strong>\u00a0to look and be confident\u00a0with a woman, you always end up looking like a guy who’s a try-hard. Just like that annoying kid on the\u00a0playground that worked so hard to be your friend, it’s just annoying as hell when someone does this to\u00a0you.<\/p>\n

It’s the same thing with women.<\/p>\n

Be yourself = be yourself<\/strong>\u00a0–\u00a0BUT<\/strong>\u00a0the best self you can present.<\/p>\n

Which does\u00a0NOT<\/strong>\u00a0mean you can’t\u00a0learn a few new conversational gambits to improve your seduction skills<\/strong>.\u00a0Go ahead and rehears a bit, and practice, and refine your presentation.<\/p>\n

And that leads me to the third big stinking pile of fantasy nonsense advice you hear:<\/p>\n

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Bad Dating Tip #3<\/strong>: “When the time is right, you’ll find the One<\/strong>.”<\/p>\n

This big steaming pile of excrement is actually\u00a0TWO<\/strong>\u00a0lies rolled up into one.<\/p>\n

The first is that there is ‘The One<\/strong>.’<\/p>\n

That romantic myth of the\u00a0ONE<\/strong>\u00a0woman on this entire planet that you are going to meet and fall in love\u00a0with. That out of 3.5 Billion people, you’re going to only find\u00a0ONE<\/strong>\u00a0that will be suitable.<\/p>\n

Reminds me of a comedian who said, “You know, if The One is out there waiting for me, I sure hope she\u00a0lives close to me.”<\/p>\n

The fact is that\u00a0EVERY<\/strong>\u00a0woman is a potential “The One.”<\/p>\n

The only thing that stops her from being that “One” is a combination of personality, chemistry, and timing.<\/p>\n

Here in America we’ve become so consumer focused that if a woman isn’t what we want, we immediately\u00a0toss her out and move on to the next one. Kind of like the mentality of “buy it and take it back later.”<\/p>\n

Just take heart that most any woman you’re attracted to\u00a0COULD<\/strong>\u00a0be “the One.”<\/p>\n

The One is a romantic notion, but it’s not very realistic – or helpful. It’s focused on *scarcity*, and with the\u00a0sheer number of single people in your desired age bracket (and that’s pretty much ANY age) you’ve got\u00a0nothing but abundance out there, my friend.<\/p>\n

Probably\u00a0THOUSANDS<\/strong>\u00a0in your immediate area.<\/p>\n

Now, the second big lie in this romantic delusion of: “When the time is right, you’ll find the One<\/strong>” is that you\u00a0shouldn’t do\u00a0ANYTHING<\/strong>\u00a0to meet a woman.<\/p>\n

In fact, if you’re a guy in this day and age, and you do anything to improve your skills at attracting women\u00a0–\u00a0you’re looked on as some kind of pervert or creep<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

I’m not exaggerating here one bit.<\/p>\n

As a matter of course, I regularly try to buy some advertising so that I can attract new guys to come get\u00a0my advice and information from my websites.<\/p>\n

But where any woman’s site would be applauded for helping women find men, if a\u00a0MAN<\/strong>\u00a0does the same\u00a0thing for other guys – as I do,\u00a0it’s looked at as being manipulative and deceptive<\/strong>. I get turned down all the\u00a0time because\u00a0what I do for men looks like something evil<\/strong>\u00a0and a wee bit “rapey.”<\/p>\n

Keep in mind that\u00a0we men live every day with the deception of women<\/strong>\u00a0wearing makeup and clothes\u00a0designed to make them look better<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Think about that one for a while, if you will.<\/p>\n

Women can do anything they like to be more attractive to men. And it’s completely tolerable. But guys are\u00a0expected to just wait and accept what destiny decides to dish out for them. Or for the women to find him\u00a0by “luck.”<\/p>\n

If they try to “game” the system in their favor, it’s looked at as manipulative.<\/p>\n

This includes everything from using pickup advice (which can run from extremely creepy to very smart\u00a0strategy) to\u00a0learning how to appeal to a woman’s sexual desires – quicker<\/strong>. In fact if a man does anything\u00a0to speed up that sexual timetable, he’s viewed as a dog.<\/p>\n

Yet, oddly enough, we men are also the ones that are still expected to approach women and initiate the\u00a0connection.<\/p>\n

Don’t be fooled by this! It’s probably the biggest deception of our time.<\/p>\n

Next to the fiction of Santa Claus, of course.<\/p>\n

So one thing you can take heart in is that it’s\u00a0GOOD<\/strong>\u00a0and\u00a0JUST<\/strong>\u00a0to seek better – and faster – results for your\u00a0efforts. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get the women you genuinely desire into bed, instead of\u00a0taking the leftovers – or settling for someone that isn’t what you really wanted.<\/p>\n

(And this goes for women, too, which is why I know it’s not only morally sound, but a win-win for both\u00a0sides.)<\/p>\n

So I say\u00a0DON’T<\/strong>\u00a0wait for Ms. Right to come along and find you.\u00a0DON’T<\/strong>\u00a0wait for the fickle finger of fate to\u00a0deliver what you want.<\/p>\n

As my mom always told me, it’s better to regret the things you\u00a0DID<\/strong>\u00a0do than the things you didn’t do.<\/p>\n

Instead, use the same techniques that the guys who get women use to meet, attract, and sleep with the\u00a0most desirable women.<\/p>\n

After all, it’s unlikely you’ll\u00a0EVER<\/strong>\u00a0hear one of these guys say, “Geez, looking back on it all… I only wish I\u00a0had just slept with a few\u00a0LESS<\/strong>\u00a0women in my life.”<\/p>\n

Get the success with women that you\u00a0DESERVE<\/strong>.<\/a><\/p>\n

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