Question & Answer With Carlos

QUESTION:
I just moved to a new school and I want to get some of the girls here to like me. Problem is, I’m not exactly outgoing. Half the time when I talk I feel like I said the wrong thing.

That is really my biggest issue, starting a conversation. How exactly do you go up to someone you’ve never seen before and start a conversation with them?

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The first thing to realize is that you’re not really having a problem with TALKING. What you’ve got is a problem with REJECTION.

Think about it for a second: When you meet people at a party, and some guy walks up to you and says “Hi”, I’m sure it’s not a scary situation. I bet you can find something to say, and the conversation probably flows fairly easily. There’s no real self-consciousness or weirdness.

But change that guy into a WOMAN, and then add in your expectations and fears, and that will make your conversation mechanism seal up tighter than Britney Spears’ stage outfit.

There’s nothing wrong with this. In fact, it’s probably the most common affliction guys have. And it can also be overcome fairly easily. The key to this scenario is to stop thinking of women in quite the same way you have been, and then to PREPARE in advance for the situation.

First of all, it’s a common situation for guys to put women on a pedestal. They all too often believe that women are these fragile, delicate creatures that hold an awesome power over men. Actually, it’s just not true.

You see, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to perform. You’re bound to have anxiety and stress, which is going to make you tense up when you need to be your most relaxed. Women can sense when you’re in “nervous talk” mode, and while they may have a little sympathy early on, it’s not a good thing overall. They look to you to provide them with a sense of calmness and relaxation in the interaction. (Mostly because they’re just as nervous talking to someone new.)

Take a moment to realize that a woman’s opinion of you will not crush you or socially embarrass you. There have been plenty of women in the past that you weren’t successful with, and you survived, didn’t you? So it wasn’t fatal, was it? Not even a bruise.

Just remember that the pressure you feel comes from believing that HER opinion of you is somehow more important than your own.

Then, accept that you’re going to have to prepare a little in advance if you want to feel confident going in. You’d never see a hockey team take the ice that hadn’t at least gone through training prior to the start of the season, would you?

Take a few hours one of these nights, turn off the reruns of “Friends,” and plan out a few good conversations in advance. Not word-for-word, mind you, but come up with some FUN topics that would be interesting for you and a woman to chat about. Something like the latest episode of “The Apprentice,” or where to shop for your sister’s birthday present. (Yes, avoid politics and religion for now.)

And then plan out a few low-risk introductions to get it started. Something as simple as: “Hi, I’m Carlos. I’m just meeting new people today, and you seemed like an interesting person. What’s your story?”

Ninety percent of the women out there will respond to that opener, and the five percent that don’t are women you don’t want to be around. Trust me on this.

You can even start out by noticing a piece of jewelry or item of clothing she’s wearing and go from there. “Hey, that’s a nice watch. My dad is looking to get something for my mom, and that’s her style. Where’d you get it?”

Presto! Instant conversation. Just start with some ACTION. You don’t have to be an extroverted party animal to initiate conversations. You just have to want to meet a new person MORE than you fear the possibility of being rejected.

The art of small talk is actually easy if you can relax first, and then have a few rounds of ammunition in your conversational rifle in advance. Having this ammo ready keeps you calm so you can have a sure and steady aim.

Then all you have to do is pull the trigger and bag your game.