Question & Answer with Carlos
QUESTION:
I am reading The Dating Black Book and I came to a part where it says that there is no cure for asking girls out. You just have to ‘do it’. Well, the problem is that I don’t have the courage to ‘do it’.
Any suggestions?
– Calvin Y.
Chicago, IL.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Well, the Nike slogan is a little simplistic, but once you understand what is really holding you back, the “just do it” advice is actually more helpful than you might assume.
(By the way, there’s a lot more on the topic of motivation in my ebook. I gave you a lot more than “just do it.” Go back and review pages 78-83…)
Let’s start by establishing right now what it is that stops you from acting:
*WHAT YOU ARE THINKING.*
Yep. That’s the only thing that stops you from doing the things you know you should be doing.
And it’s because of these two particular dysfunctional thought patterns that your thinking will mess you up:
1) Imagining horrible consequences that DO NOT EXIST
2) Not planning and preparing yourself so that you can feel confident in that situation and act anyway
There is nothing physically different about a man that walks up to a woman and talks to her than the one that doesn’t, other than what he is THINKING beforehand.
There is no special “talk to women” gene, or a special “approach women” brain cell cluster – or any other special gift that this guy has that you can’t develop. Arguing to the contrary is a major COP OUT that will kill your success with women.
Now, for the sake of understanding this phenomenon in men, here’s what’s going on in the brain of the guy who can’t find the courage.
These are belief systems that are tripping him up and ruining his self-confidence:
– Women are scary. They are somehow different in a mystical way.
– My value as a man is at stake here. Women have the ability to judge me and make me less valuable.
– I’m not secure enough in my own value to believe that I have enough to offer a woman. Why would she want to talk to ME?
– If she rejects me, I’ll be in incredible pain.
Now let’s look at the other side. Here’s what the confident guy is thinking – the guy that DOES approach women and talk to them:
– I’m valuable. No other person can alter that in any way.
– I’m not scared. There’s no reason to be – She’s not better than me.
– There’s no down-side to approaching her. What’s the worst thing that can happen? She’s not interested? Big deal, there’s more fish in the sea.
And if I don’t try to meet her, she STILL won’t be interested. I lose both ways if I do nothing.
– There’s no way I can let a gal like that get away without experiencing the joy of having someone like me in her life. She’d never forgive me if she found out I didn’t give her that chance.
I don’t mean to beat the self-esteem horse to death here, but the reality is that if a man believes – wholeheartedly – in his value and his power, he fears no man, woman, child, or small furry mammal.
AND to understand this on an even deeper level, the man who doesn’t believe in himself actually believes in SOMETHING ELSE – besides himself, like:
– A woman’s opinion of me is more important than my own.
– Woman have a secret power and are mysterious sacred beings that only the most gifted men can attract and sleep with.
Etc. The list goes on and on.
And so do the rationalizations and self-esteem head games we play.
You can’t be intimidated by a person unless you believe that their opinion about you is more important or more valuable than your own.
You may even think that everything I’ve been saying here is a bunch of “mind tricks.” In reality, there are no “tricks.” Only methods of showing you how the man who is successful thinks instead of … well, the other kind of guy. The wimp. The Wuss.
Tell me, what are YOU thinking when you see a woman you want to talk to?
Here’s a clue:
If you’re thinking AT ALL YOU ARE THINKING TOO MUCH!
In other words, you need to just ACT and not entertain the reality of the loser.
Don’t give your mind the chance to talk you out of it.
Remember, the Loserboy voice (I give many examples of this thinking in The Dating Black Book) hangs out in your head, just waiting to sabotage you.
That is why you act immediately. Some people call this the “Three Second Rule,” but I think that’s too long. It’s really the “Instantly Move Rule.”
If you don’t already know what you’re going to say when you see a woman you want to meet, you’re not prepared enough, and there’s nothing new you’re going to figure out while you’re sitting there spinning on your bar stool working up your courage.
Other than how to talk yourself out of it, which is what most men do!
Take a few minutes right now to come up with a few opening topics (not “lines”). Things like, “Hey, I’m looking for a woman’s opinion on something. My friend is trying to meet his next girlfriend. Where do you think he should go to meet quality women?”
That’s simple, cute, and almost guarantees a chat with a woman.
Sit down for a few minutes right now … Let me say that again… RIGHT NOW!!!! and plan out a couple introductions like that. Memorize them. Then you need never worry about what you’re going to do EVER AGAIN. It’s on your “hard drive” and ready to roll.
Part of the reason you’re “working up courage” is because you’ve got no idea what you’re going to say or do. If you did, you could just mindlessly fall back on that plan and … uh… Just Do It.
I can promise you this:
– She won’t dump her drink in your face.
– She won’t slap you.
– She won’t tell all her friends about you and laugh hysterically.
(If any of the next 100 women you talk to does any of these things, I’ll refund you the cost of this newsletter…)
In fact, the worst I EVER experience is a slight frigid behavior from her that tells you she’s got issues or she just isn’t ready for you. So move on. Nothing lost. (Except a rude woman who isn’t what you want in your life.)
Remember: Don’t place your validation in a woman’s hands. She isn’t qualified for that job.
Only YOU are.
Get to the point where you understand everything I said in this newsletter, not just at a LOGICAL level – or even at a “Yeah, that kinda makes sense” level – but at an EMOTIONAL “Holy Shit, that’s POWERFUL” level. Where it slams you in the gut and makes you pace your apartment in utter disbelief.
When this revelation does hit, you’ll be changed for good.
And for the better.
– Carlos Xuma
http://www.alphaconfidence.com
