Question & Answer with Carlos
Hey Carlos,
My wife has been starting up some really deep discussions recently. It’s basically been revolving around, me, not wanting to have a baby. Then even deeper to my parents, and my childhood, on why not.
I actually felt like I was at the table with my dad getting lectured about responsibility, commitment, and how much I need to grow up. I eventually shut down (just like back then), which I don’t think was the ALPHA thing to do. We eventually stopped, but I can still tell that this is not over yet.
Would you please teach me some guidelines for talking about feelings and such?
How can I control the conversation better, and be able to really end it, when I don’t want to talk about it any more?
Thanks,
H.K.
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
This is a pretty broad topic, and obviously not one I can answer in a blog or email.
You’re right that “shutting down” is not a very good way to handle it. The Alpha Man understands his feelings, but he doesn’t need to live his life through them or be victimized by them.
Think: Awareness.
My first recommendation is this:
1) Be more assertive and stop reacting to her demands to go into “therapy” mode.
And tell her that, word-for-word.
YOU decide how healthy you are. Don’t fall into that trap with her. A lot of women start to deep-dive into your childhood to figure you out and diagnose you.
Hell, even if there are problems, I can guarantee you that she is NOT qualified to start picking around in your head. Don’t allow it!
She means well, but she’s got no business playing therapist with you, and the opposite is also true.
2) Perhaps consider a moderated therapy with a marriage counselor (and choose a good one – there are a lot of sketchy ones, so make sure you really shop around….)
Again, the best place to go for the deeper issues is to someone with professional credentials.
When you’re dealing with something as deep and important as marriage, an investment that you both presumed would be “forever,” you should be sure to explore every avenue.
3) As for ending a conversation on your own terms, when you don’t want to talk about a subject, you should try this:
“I’m not comfortable talking about this with you right now. I think we’re done with this topic for the moment.”
And if she pushes and presses and does her best to keep you in it, you calmly, nicely, firmly tell her:
“I’m not comfortable talking about this with you right now. I think we’re done with this topic for the moment. You should respect my feelings and my decision.”
Stand your ground. Be compassionate, but stand your ground.
Boundaries must be set, as well as expectations.
Then, when you’ve had a chance to review your own thoughts on the matter, you can revisit it later.
Also realize that she’s obviously wanting an answer to her biological imperative, and it’s not really about YOU. You’re just the donor, after all. Sorry to minimalize it like that, but it’s true. She probably does want to start a family, and this is a BIG issue for your relationship.
Get some resolution for both of you before she has a baby that looks… hmm…. NOTHING like you.
By the way, if you want more information on how to handle these kinds of games that women – and everyone – play with us, you should have a look at my Power Social Skills program.
– Carlos Xuma
http://www.powersocialskills.com