Don’t Make This Mistake Choosing a Girlfriend…
Lately I’ve been working on collecting some of my random thoughts and ideas together so that I can put them into the skeleton of a new program for men on inner game and unstoppable confidence.
One of the things that guys are asking more about – and it’s something that I’m all too happy to talk about – is the subject of relationships.
(Gasp from the crowd…)
Yes, despite all that you see on TV and hear from women out there, men really do want relationships.
And with ONE woman.
We want the power to have many women, but in the end, every man just wants one quality woman in his life.
There are a few mistakes guys make along the way, though, that keep them from getting a relationship they can fully commit to. (Yes, I know I used the “c” word there.)
I just want to talk about one of the biggest mistakes in this newsletter, and maybe I’ll cover the rest in future reports.
So what is this big mistake men make?
And – more importantly – how can you avoid making this mistake?
The mistake is simply one word:
That’s right. As in “settle down.”
You see, “settling” is not a good way to view this. Guys look at it this way, because we’re trying to radically reduce the amount of drama in our lives. Guys just want things smooth and calm.
Settling – as it pertains to women and lifestyle – is defined as:
“Adopting a more steady or secure style of life.”
That sounds very nice, but the reality is that “steadiness and security” is what we seek when we’re trying to make things low-intensity.
Relationships, in order to last, must have some intensity to them. Excitement…
You ever seen a couple that has lost that “intensity”? They end up a bit… well, they end up boring. You’d swear they were brother and sister.
They start dressing and acting alike.
And often they start to look alike.
They seem like activity partners rather than the jumpy horn-dogs they ought to be. They stay up to watch Letterman’s monologue, and then it’s off to bed…
Well, this is the kind of relationship a lot of guys get into mostly because they want to stop “playing the field” and they want to “settle down.”
But what “settle down” really means is this:
Lock in some woman that you can comfortably keep around. A woman who will simply “settle” with you.
Let’s be realistic here. You don’t want a woman that’s going to drive you nuts with the level of intensity and drama that just gets your ulcers burning like a hot coal in the pit of your stomach.
On the other hand, you don’t want a woman who won’t challenge you and inspire you to grow and become a better person. Because that, my fellow Alpha Brothers, is what relationships are all about.
Not about dooming yourself into a 50 year relationship…
Not about “locking one in…”
But about being all you can be through the challenge of a close, intimate relationship.
You see, you’ll learn more about yourself in the context of a long-term relationship than you ever will in a series of “pickups” or one night stands.
So how do you avoid this trap of getting into a relationship – and then staying there – only because it’s less painful than being single?
Let me lay out the steps for you. These are the tried and true strategies I’ve used for years now, and they’re VERY effective.
Step One: Date as many women as you can…
That’s right. The best thing you can do as research for a long-term relationship – as you develop your dating skills – is to date a LOT of women.
You’ve probably heard me say this a million times, but it can’t be repeated too much. You simply MUST date other women. You don’t want to jump into a relationship just because you have nothing better going on.
You go into a relationship because that’s the next logical step on the path that you’re on.
You never want to feel like women are scarce, and that you must grab one up and marry her just because you think you might end up old and alone.
Step Two: Figure out what you’re looking for in a relationship along the way.
The one thing most people never do is look at their past mistakes and re-examine their true motives for getting into a relationship in the first place.
A relationship is something that should be a CHOICE, not something you fall into because you don’t want to be alone, or you’re afraid of hurting the woman.
This is a really common pattern I used to get into with women. It would start with a phone call to ask her out to do something, and the next thing you know, we’re in bed.
Wow, I said to myself. Now what? Oh, okay, I guess we’re boyfriend and girlfriend now.
It was just easier than admitting to myself that this wasn’t what I was looking for. I was also feeling guilty that I had slept with this woman, and now she’s going to want a relationship.
(You’ll find that this is bad programming that a lot of guys have, and I talk about this at length in the Dating Black Book…)
Getting into a lot of short term relationships helps you figure out what you want a long term relationship to do for you.
Step Three: Figure out what you’re looking for in a woman along the way
You won’t know this up front, and that’s why I made this step 3. You have to date a whole bunch of women to figure out what it is that you actually want from her when you find her.
I’ll tell you this – one of the biggest mistakes I see guys make (and it’s one I’ve made so many times over the years) is that they want to date only one specific physical type, and no other.
In other words, they’re all hung up on the “librarian” type, or the “stripper” type, or the “rocker” type.
Sometimes it’s an appearance thing, too, like dating only blondes, or women with short hair.
I can tell you from experience that the woman you click with will probably NOT be the type you expect. In fact, the one thing that holds guys back from much faster success in finding the right kind of woman is often sticking too close to their “type.”
I always liked the short, gymnast type. You know, small tight body. Short hair.
I’m currently dating a tall, leggy Asian girl.
I also thought I’d enjoy a woman that was a firecracker – full of energy and sarcastic challenge.
That turned out to annoy the hell out of me after a while. These women very often weren’t in touch with their femininity and that made it nearly impossible to have a healthy dynamic with her.
The point is that if you don’t date all types, you’ll fall into some predictable – and sometimes hazardous – patterns of behavior, because you’ll only be tuning your relationship skills to one kind of woman. And that kind of woman might not really be compatible with YOU.
So use this “dating around” time to really get a sense of what kind of woman you are capable of hanging with.
Avoid the dreaded mistake of “settling” for a woman. Instead, find a woman that you would dream of having, and then do the necessary research and field work (can you call this work?).
As I like to say, you should only be in a relationship with a woman who brings out the best in you.
There is no more important decision you will make in your life than which woman you will make your partner.